To not want to be the "fixer" anymore

I actually don’t think being a ‘fixer’ is at all a good qualification for a career in counselling — quite the reverse. Especially as what you describe in your OP sounds as if your ‘fixing’ involves poor boundaries, if you’re continually being dropped by friends when they’re not in need of a shoulder during a crisis. But all the reputable therapy training I’ve ever had any experience of via family and friends has involved extensive therapy for the trainee, so I imagine that’s something you would address if you dud choose to train.

I was gonna to suggest this. Its not necessarily a choice between being a fixer Vs ignoring them/shutting them down. You can sympathise without directly helping.

'Oh no that's AWFUL' instead of 'have you tried x,y,z, I can show you.'

If you think you can't moderate like the above because it's so difficult to adjust your patterns then yes perhaps bring less available is best.

I sympathise as I've had to do something similar. Unfortunately I can't really avoid them as they are a family member. Helpful suggestions often don't work anyway. I'm convinced that some people just enjoy a moan and all they require of you is to sit and agree how bad it is with them. If you would be happy with that relationship then go for it.

You may find that you naturally step back as you are simply too busy.

@fallinlovenothate blocked your mutual friends too?!! Seriously, you’ve had a lucky escape from this ‘friend’. Bet you’re breathing a huge sigh of relief!

Not the least bit surprised. Well done.

Lean into exactly how much of your time you WASTED being her endless support.

Lean in to exactly how quickly she blocked you when you stepped back from providing an endless free ear.

Learn from the above.
Practice not offering advice or support for the next 6 months.

You have enough going on.
Just offer nothing. Absolutely nothing.
People will fade away, you may have the odd moment of loneliness BUT the extra energy and headspace will be worth it.

You will attract a better type of people.
Healthy people who don't dump on the first ear they meet.

Lean into all of this and what you want to learn, practice, and attract going forward.

A much better life awaits you.

OP, your post really resonated with me. I've also been the 'old reliable' fixer friend. A stranger told me I have a 'counsellor voice' the other day 😭

I've stepped back from a few friendships that I felt were one-sided and feel much better for it.

I've also been honest with friends who I feel have taken me for granted e.g. 'I don't always want to be the one organising things' and 'I feel used if someone is constantly asking for favours. If we can't just enjoy each others company, I feel that there is something wrong'.

This isn’t stupid…you’re trying to get a different answer to the one you got growing up in attempt to heal that wound.

BUT

you are unwittingly setting yourself up for more of the same if you keep rescuing people

develop boundaries is the answer and good relationships you can rely on will follow

I've actually done this the past 12 months and I found a slow step back worked best , be less available, take longer to message back or return their call , usually by then things have calmed a bit . I also found talking more about how busy you are helps as well . Sadly taking this step back caused a few people to no longer be in contact but it showed they were only using me to off load, one friend in particular got very nasty about it but that's about them not me. I wasn't put on this planet to fix peooles problems

Ah look up the drama triangle - you are taking a rescuer role in life..will really help you understand

there is a winners triangle you can move to where you transform that role into a mentor rather than actually rescuing people

I agree with the pp's who suggest stock replies such as "oh dear", "that's awful", "how frustrating", "really?", "poor you, that's so hard", and so on.

@fallinlovenothate

I think you're doing a knee-jerk reaction to people please. This is not uncommon and something that needs to be worked on, from what you've said.

You need to work on some stock answers which when you use these practised answers will gain on your confidence.

I was like this for many years until I practiced and used stock answers. I didn't like being caught unawares but when I had answers I gained confidence.

Needy people smell out those they can use.
Be unavailable.
Be busy.
Don't answer the phone or texts for a couple of days.
Work was busy.
You were unwell.
Haveca list of excuses and simply not bd available.
Users move on when they don't get fed what they want.
Better no friends than user friends.
When you stop giving off the vibe of being a fixer.
You WILL attract nicer people.
Learn the gift of silence and nodding sympathetically but offering NADA.

To change this, do three things:
Ask for help as frequently as you need it, from people who lean on you. They will probably sidle away and find some other mug to take from without having to give back, but they may be supportive and if they are, you're in a more equal friendship.

Next, don't respond much if new 'friends' start leaning on you. Be non committal. Kind, but no more than others.

Finally, learn to value light hearted friendship. I used to think real friendship meant heart to hearts about problems. Now I think real friendship is 90% a good dog walk and chat about holiday plans or sharing gardening tips. Small talk but upbeat and warm. It restores you, not drains you.

This is brilliant advice.

I’ve also stolen a great line from my DH who will say “Yes, you said,” if people moan about the same thing multiple times.

I was that person, to the extent that I spent 25 years trying to problem solve and fix a highly abusive marriage.

Therapy taught me boundaries. You decide how much you want to give, and if you re asked to give more, you think hard about whether it is going to breach these boundaries before you respond.

Regarding this situation:

Stop checking in on her.

If she calls you and asks to meet up, decide if it will make you feel better or worse that day. If it will make you feel worse, you just say, sorry, you already have plans. You don't need to justify.

Remember, some people always create chaos around them. It is not your job to fix them. If you don't, they will simply drop you, and move on to someone else.

I was terrified that I'd end up bitter and unkind, but actually I think I'm a better friend now to my real friends.

Slightly reformed fixer here. I second therapy too but for a practical tip..

Next time she comes to you with a problem, instead of leaping to fix it for her say “oh dear, what are you going to do?” . Practice variants in the mirror (seriously). Imagine her coming to you with a problem and practice saying “That sounds messy, what’s your plan?” “it’s so irritating when that happens isn’t it?” Or appropriate variants of that

That’s great that you have that level of insight — some people can get very defensive about their own people-pleasing, if asked to view it in terms of choices they made to obtain a particular result. Which is almost always from a position of insecurity, and trying to ‘lock in’ friendships by providing services, and understandable.

The problem is, though, that it doesn’t work (as you’re discovering).

If you present yourself as the shoulder to cry on, the person with no needs or personal crises, you become a semi-invisible service provider, not a full and equal person in the friendship, with her own needs, problems, etc. You’re the crisis helpline on the day someone’s feeling fine, or the garage mechanic when the customer’s car is running fine — not relevant, not thought of. No one calls up the Samaritans to check that a volunteer listener is doing ok.

It happens so often on Mn that this happens, and a lot of posters start throwing around cries about ‘cheeky fuckers’ and ‘users’. I don’t think this is helpful, as it removes any responsibility from the people-pleaser themselves, and presents their friends as 100% exploitative.

OP, I would think hard (in therapy, once you start, too, but you can certainly start now on your own) to think about the role you take on in friendships. Is it even possible that you are unconsciously choosing as friends people with problems, so you are needed to help and support? (My mother does this, unconsciously but perpetually choosing people who are ill, in crisis situations, have poor MH, are unlucky etc because it makes her feel needed. I can even hear her switching off if I happen to phone her in a good mood — unconsciously, she clearly hears happiness and confidence as ‘There’s no need for you here.’)

So your role is the Fixer in your friendship group and now it's taking it's toll. I can tell you what I did (been there): I started to ask for help to let others step up for me as well. That changed the dynamics: I didn't have to be the one who was always strong.

Have a Google on the drama triangle

I think there’s something similar that often looks like people pleasing.

Some people are just more altruistic and have a genuine need to make the world a better place, sometimes at their own expense. They can’t resist helping people.

The solutions are probably the same as for reducing people pleasing, better boundaries etc.

In the meantime, pursue finding books or stuff online to help you preserve your own emotional resources. Sometimes labelling yourself as a people pleaser
can make you think it’s a personality failure, whereas being genuinely a kind and altruistic person can only be a good thing (as long as you keep yourself protected).

Just be aware that a lot of people won’t be like you. Not because they are selfish or bad, just because they operate a different way. Just be prepared that some friendships will fade when you are no longer such a selfless person with them.

Your children will remember your love and compassion for their entire lives.

Try reading ‘the subtle art of not giving a fuck’. Helps with recognising that others people’s shit is THEIR shit, not yours and that you choose what to ’let in’ and what not to. You have many other demands on your time and self-care needs also, and being so generous with your headspace and time has not served you well.

People will still like you even when you say no and protect your boundaries. More importantly, YOU will still like you. Starting to say no and protecting boundaries will surprise and piss some people off while they get used to the new more assertive you, but tough - you’re not the world’s doormat.

If you have to reply, try to say something neutral like "that must be difficult". Or ask a coaching type of question such as, "what do you think you should do first?" Turn the focus onto them solving their own problems. Tell them at the outset you won't offer advice but will listen. I have been a fixer all my life and it's hard to move away from wanting to solve others problems. The best advice given up thread is to say nothing