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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH sees MIL every day

115 replies

anonymous670 · 19/04/2025 09:38

Name changed for this one because I’m prepared to be slated 😬

DH sees his mum typically 3 times a week, but lately it’s become almost every day. Sometimes he goes to her, mostly her to us. She also calls him at least twice a day, often when we’re out.

I don’t know if this is ‘normal’ but I find it really intruding and overbearing. This week he has seen her on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and today. Anytime I mention I think it’s a bit much he gets really defensive and accuses me of being horrible. He’s not open to any kind of discussion.

For context, MIL lives on her own but is very active, works 3 days a week and has other family close by who she sees each evening.

I don’t know if I’m unreasonable in thinking this is really suffocating and intruding on our family time. I also don’t know how to articulate why I think it’s unreasonable, if it is.

My own mum sees DS twice a week, but I’m starting to get worried DS will form a closer bond with MIL, who for various reasons is not someone we both want to have a big influence over his values! Am I just paranoid that he will, or is it inevitable?!

She only lives 5 minutes away which doesn’t help. We’ll be moving in a couple of months to ever so slightly further but I’m worried the expectation to have such easy access to us is already set.

To complicate matters, we’re also TTC. If we are fortunate enough, when the time comes, it will be my own mum who’s around more to support me (DH agrees). But I can see that causing a whole load of other issues… Am I just being horrible!?

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymous670 · 19/04/2025 09:54

thepariscrimefiles · 19/04/2025 09:52

What are the reasons that you don't want your DS to share your MIL's values? Does she have unacceptable racist or homophobic views?

What is she like when she comes round? Is she polite and friendly?

Does she only come round when your DH is there or does she visit when he isn't there?

I won’t go into specific examples, but unfortunately yes she is both of those things! She won’t make comments in front of me anymore as I made it very clear I don’t share her views, but I do still overhear comments occasionally

OP posts:
Gustavo77 · 19/04/2025 09:53

Lindz44 · 19/04/2025 09:44

And yes it’s a horrible thing to say as basically you don’t want your child to like her more than your mom.

This 👆

It sounds like you're threatened/jealous that he wants to spend this much time with her.

You say that you don't want you child to be around her because of values etc but that doesn't stack up. If she's so shady then why does she get lots of visitors and have such good relationships with her children that they all visit so regularly? To me, it sounds like a huge green flag that people want to be in her company so often. Maybe try it.

It honestly sounds like your jealous.

Original poster
anonymous670 · 19/04/2025 09:53

MemorableTrenchcoat · 19/04/2025 09:41

Tricky one. A man complaining that his OH saw her mother every day would probably get very little sympathy on here, to put it mildly.

This is a good point!

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 19/04/2025 09:52

What are the reasons that you don't want your DS to share your MIL's values? Does she have unacceptable racist or homophobic views?

What is she like when she comes round? Is she polite and friendly?

Does she only come round when your DH is there or does she visit when he isn't there?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/04/2025 09:51

Db used to see dm every day.

I think it’s nice. Why are you trying to spoil it? He’s her son as well as your Dh.

Evaka · 19/04/2025 09:51

If he's dropping in to see her for an hour there's nothing wrong with that. If he's basically living there and just coming home to sleep you have a problem. My uncles did the latter until my grandmother died, just left their wives to bring up kids alone while they were back 'home' being indulged by mammy.

Sounds like you really dislike your mother in law. Can you say why?

Calmdownpeople · 19/04/2025 09:50

Sorry OP it isn’t a formula of more time with someone automatically means stronger feelings. What a strange thing to say.

You MIL and your mother are family too so no it isn’t intruding on your family time.

How lovely that your OH is close to his mum and she wants to be involved in your lives.

This just sounds like you don’t like her and are jealous. How lovely to have two grandparents who are so involved. Our nearest parent lives four hours away so unfortunately I don’t have any sympathy (and had absolutely no help with my kids). And no my relationship with MIL wasn’t awesome but I respected her relationship with her son and she is a wonderful grandparent.

Smartiepants79 · 19/04/2025 09:49

Lindz44 · 19/04/2025 09:43

You’ve got a son, be glad he has a father that has a strong bond with his mom. See yourself in twenty years when your son has a partner and they say you see him too much.

I agree with this.
Is the time she spends with him actually negatively impacting on your family life or does it just annoy you for reasons you can’t articulate?
When she comes how long does she stay? Half an hour or all evening? It makes a difference.

5foot5 · 19/04/2025 09:49

How long is he there for?

If he just pops in for a few minutes to check she is ok, have a quick chat and maybe a cuppa then YABU.

If he spends hours there, eats his meal there, misses out on your DCs bedtime then maybe you have a point.

PermanentTemporary · 19/04/2025 09:48

I feel both sides here (removes splinters from arse)

That's a lot of time seeing your MIL. A lot. I actually don't quite see how she fits everything in, though presumably she doesn't spend much time online like what I do. I would not have found this very easy to handle.

On the other side, I wouldn't worry too much about her influence on your dc. I have known many children with great tolerance alongside love for their grandparents' habits/political views, but none who just swallowed their views whole.

Given that you're about to ha e two kids and the workload is going to increase, and given that you're going to be a bit further away, I would just try to ride this one out. Get used to handing her a pile of ironing/baby/mop when she arrives, along with a cup of tea and grateful cries, then disappear yourself. If she doesn't like that, she won't be round as much. Same for dh if he sees her visits as a chance to sit and chat - give him a job.

Lindz44 · 19/04/2025 09:44

And yes it’s a horrible thing to say as basically you don’t want your child to like her more than your mom.

Lindz44 · 19/04/2025 09:43

You’ve got a son, be glad he has a father that has a strong bond with his mom. See yourself in twenty years when your son has a partner and they say you see him too much.

rubyslippers · 19/04/2025 09:41

Yes you are being horrible
why will your mum be more involved when you have another child
why don’t you want MIL influencing your kids?
Maybe your DH sees her because you’ve made it clear you don’t like her
Nothing you’ve said in your post makes it feel like it’s anything other than personal

MemorableTrenchcoat · 19/04/2025 09:41

Tricky one. A man complaining that his OH saw her mother every day would probably get very little sympathy on here, to put it mildly.

sunshineandshowers40 · 19/04/2025 09:40

How long is he visiting for? Why has it increased?

It would probably annoy me but I think you are being unreasonable if it isn't stopping you doing things as a family.

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