DH sees MIL every day

@crumblingschools
I notice lots of threads from women who have the most horrendous mothers and yet when posters suggest they have every right to walk away, they maintain they could never turn their back on her because she is their Mum. Honestly it is such a common thread topic.
There was one that stuck in my mind. A poster complaining that her bullying mother had spoilt her son's eighteenth birthday meal. When it was suggested that she didn't invite her mother to future family meals, she was adamant that it was not a scenario that she would entertain.

As is always the case with these threads, you have a DH problem. He needs to put boundaries in place and start enforcing them before it ruins your marriage.

I agree. My mum rang her mum (my nan) twice a day and they saw each other loads. Yet if a man does it people imply he's a mummy's boy etc

Why? why is it ok for women to be close to their mothers but not men?

Tell him if he's finding it overwhelming and obligation then he needs to dial back now, she's not yet elderly and in need of help or checking up on. She still working three days a week and having other family visit. He is being ridiculous to get himself in this state at her stage of life.

In my view, it's not "normal" for any adult (of either sex) to see a parent so often. The whole point of growing up is to disconnect from parents and become independent.

Personally, I would find this a dealbreaker in a marriage, and I would be out. OP, you have to decide for yourself what is acceptable, but definitely sort it out before you have a baby.

I have young adult children.

my children did not absorb any of their grandparents views and when teens were openly critical of a lot of things their grandparents did/believed.

as young adults they are now making their minds up about views that we had as parents and sometimes we have strong discussions.

your child won’t pick up racism or homophobia from a grandparent

For those saying it would be different if this was DM not MIL, would people really want their racist, homophobic DM visiting very day, would they not put a stop/restrict contact with them especially around their DC?

Does your DH pick her up on her comments?

How do they fit in these visits? He is going to grow a backbone and tell her that he is going to limit visits as it impacts too much on his time. He will need to ignore her upset. He needs to follow his sister's lead, although doesn't mean he doesn't have to see her at all. How old is she?

I was with you on not wanting to see her every day, until I got to the reasoning being about wanting your child to prefer your mum which is really odd, it's not a competition. Mine used to try and come every day which I found too much as she's overbearing and my husband is only home for 2 hours that the children are awake, so some of the time it's nice to have as just our family.

Some women are incredibly territorial about their husbands having a relationship with his parents. Yet, having successfully weaned him away from his parents, she is shocked when he walks away from her eventually . Having an emotional bond with his parents is very important for many mens emotional intelligence.
I have at least two female friends who made their marriage conditional on having a very close relationship with her parents. They made it a deal that Christmas would always be spent with her side of the family. These women always have their mother in tow at Toddler Groups and on holidays. I always think it must be so suffocating for the man.
It is incredibly common on MN for women to speak daily to their mothers and run all decisions through her. One man asked for advice on here about his wife texting, calling and seeing her mother multiple times a day. She always texted her Mum first thing in the morning and last thing at night. He was absolutely slaughtered on here for asking if it was fair for him to ask her to spend more time with him. His wife's mother was told about her pregnancies before him on both occasions.
It is statistically more common for women to alienate women who are not biologically related to them. So MILS, Sils and step daughters.
I suspect the OP does not like her MIL at all and wants to end her husband's relationship with his mother.

I don’t know - imagine that baby you have is a boy and he grows up and marries someone one day, who says he sees you too much.

She doesn’t respect your marriage either op. Popping in every day is such a rude imposition on a family. How long is she there for?

One thing you can do is refuse to let her come round when your DH isn't there. When she does come round in the evening or at weekends, can you take your child and go out? You need emphasise to your DH what a toxic influence she will be on your children.

There have been a number of posts on here recently where the OP or her DH feels a massive obligation to visit/invite and care for parents who have been abusive and unkind throughout their childhoods.

If your DH's sister has managed to pull away, your DH can do this too. He shouldn't feel more obligation towards his mum because his sister doesn't see her. Her own children dislike her because of the sort of parent she is. She is only reaping what she has sown.

Yes, of course it's OTT. It would be different if she was infirm or elderly. Guess she'll be moving in as and when.

The next time he is defensive or unkind to you, remind him how he is in tears the night before. That sounds suffocating op. No need to see her everyday on top of speaking to her twice. That is unhealthy and not normal.

He has to give himself permission to step back a bit. That permission can’t come from you, unfortunately.

What you can do is tell him that you know how difficult the situation is for him and that you will support him if he wants to work on stepping back from his mother little by little.

He needs to find the right frame of mind and then you can plan the practicalities together.

OP I think if you had put this in your opening post then you would have very different responses.

Wow! the pickme's are out in force this morning.

If OP's mom would visit their house literally more than 4 out of every 7 days and calling all the time when OP would be out with her partner, he would rightly find that suffocating too.

Yeah, he is a momma's boy and it's worse that he spends so much time with his own mom when he is also a father. He works too, so how much attention does his boy get? This "close" relationship with his mom comes at the expense of his relationship with his own son and his partner.

If he wants to live with his mom and spend all his free time with her, than that's what he should do. He just shouldn't be dragging OP into it.

When I lived closer to my Mum I saw her everyday. There are many men and women who see either their mums or dads everyday and there is nothing wrong with that. I think its great that people have good solid relationships with their parents. Its better than the alternative. You should be grateful for this not resentful.

One day the tables may be turned and you may have a DIL who complains that your son see's you too much. How would that make you feel?

Well your son grew up listening to her values and it doesn't seem to have affected his ability to think for himself.

There is nothing wrong with a man wanting to see his mother every day but I’m expecting the ‘mummy’s boy’ comments to start when there is no way a woman would get those comments on here

I see my dad most days , he lives 2 mins away I pop in with the kids 3/4 times a week. My DM died 3 years ago and I also saw her daily I miss her everyday. I dread the day my dad dies and I see him as much as possible if my DH had an issue with it I’d be pretty cross with him. One day your MIL won’t be there.