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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

531 replies

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:06

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 19/04/2025 08:12

A lot of people who will make an effort for a wedding don’t consider a party worth the same level of effort.

it’s quite common that if you get legally married abroad/in a small ceremony and have a party later that at least some people will be offended that they weren’t invited to the actual wedding and definitely won’t consider the party of the same status.

personally I don’t care, but this is definitely a thing.

Helpmeplease2025 · 19/04/2025 08:11

If you get married abroad, you have to assume that anyone might not be able to come. You can’t demand anyone comes, and it doesn’t matter how much notice you give them.

myplace · 19/04/2025 08:11

I think we forget that other people’s lives look very different from within.

My dog frets. He’s rarely alone since lockdown. When I had a week away, he chewed a raw patch on his haunches and had to go to the vet.

I don’t go far now.

Annual leave can be an issue (not for me as I can’t go anywhere because of the dog 🤣). You are asking people to use some of the 21 out of 365 days they have available to spend with their partner and do essential DIY and wait in for the plumber.

KrisAkabusi · 19/04/2025 08:10

It's the risk you take when you have a destination wedding. Not everyone will be able to travel. The dog might be the reason she's giving you, there could be others. You are being unreasonable for saying she will 'gladly' miss your wedding g. You don't know how she feels about it.

FenellaFeldman · 19/04/2025 08:10

Also, to be fair, she's not "gladly" missing your wedding if she thinks that the main celebration is in the UK.

FenellaFeldman · 19/04/2025 08:09

I think it depends who this family member is. How close?
Is it a person who may not have the funds for such an event, perhaps?