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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

531 replies

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:06

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

OP posts:
readingmakesmehappy · 24/04/2025 11:14

We made a big effort for a sibling’s wedding overseas. It cost us thousands in travel and accommodation (so no other big holiday for us that year) and was a very very stressful time. In retrospect I should have gone alone and DH should have stayed home with the kids. I loathe destination weddings and would only have attended one for close family. The dog is probably not the real/only reason.

Magero · 23/04/2025 22:49

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:06

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

You gonna be hurt for no reason for expecting too much from people... She has her reasons that she doesn't necessarily need to explain...so just take her answers and respect them. And move on to the next person that's willing to come.... She too would be upset to find that you don't find her precious dog enough reason for her to miss your wedding in Italy....

Picklelily99 · 22/04/2025 23:47

Just don't bother inviting your sister! Even tho' it's now in the uk, a wedding can last a few hours, and christ knows, your sisters dog can't possibly be looked after for that long!!!

ThisRubyExpert · 22/04/2025 11:10

Just seeing now it's your sister and she was able to leave the dog to go on holiday, I do think that's quite bad if it's your sister. Chances are you would want her to be involved in the wedding too.

ThisRubyExpert · 22/04/2025 11:07

I'm getting married in Spain next week and we had a lot of people we thought would definitely attend rsvp with a no or with very poor excuses. Yes it is a lot to ask people to go away but those that want to go will go. We were disappointed and did feel let down by a few people but you do have to remember it just won't suit everyone. Try not to let it bother you too much, now that time has passed I'm delighted our numbers are smaller 😅 You will still have the most amazing time!

riverislandjeans · 22/04/2025 10:46

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 11:43

I know haha but I would’ve thought that their reasons would’ve been cost which is fine or not being able to take time off work etc. my sister was the first one to reply, 10 seconds after I sent the message saying she can’t because of the dog. Which meant she hadn’t even considered it or thought if there are any arrangements she can make. My mum and my sister are going on holiday in June, they asked me to go but I said I can’t because I can’t afford it. So I’m looking after my sisters dog. So I was hurt that she can go on holiday and leave her dog but not to my wedding and leave her dog

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You are allowed to be upset that your sister is happy to leave the dog when it suits her but not for something you deem as important such as your wedding.

My guess is that the dog is a 'cover' for the real reason.

Anyway, its hypothetical so no harm done, but yes, you know where you are on your sisters priority list OR there's another reason she didn't want to go to your wedding in Italy.

MyTwinklySloth · 22/04/2025 10:22

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:23

This is the exact reason I wanted to change my plans and just have immediate family at a more intimate wedding. So that absolutely no one has a plus one as a blanket rule. It would just be parents, grandparents and siblings that’s it.

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It's totally pointless - you will need to do an english legal ceremony

GingerDoris · 21/04/2025 21:18

I could never be arsed with a wedding abroad unless it was for my children. I'd rather spend the money on a nice little family holiday somewhere where we wanted to go. As soon as you start booking weddings abroad you are usually going to have people not wanting to travel to them. I think it's perfectly reasonable to get married abroad if you want, and it is also perfectly reasonable for guests to decline. Stop judging her and crack on.

FeetLikeFlippers · 21/04/2025 17:29

That’s a pretty lame excuse so I’m assuming she just made it up to save your feelings. I mean the dog could be dead in two years time! Maybe she doesn’t like travelling abroad, is worried about the cost, or just finds weddings unbelievably tedious and simply doesn’t want to go.

ScrewedByFunding · 21/04/2025 17:26

cryinginthechapel · 21/04/2025 14:01

My comment wasn’t aimed at the OP. It’s just that I’d find it really claustrophobic if I literally cannot leave my dog in the care of others for even a short while

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That's OK, no one is asking you to. It's unreasonable to expect other people to leave their dogs whilst they go abroad if they don't want to. If you do, that's great. Other situations are different. As I said, our dog has medical issues so we are super selected about who looks after him for his and their sake.

RavenhairedRachel · 21/04/2025 17:04

I wouldn't go and leave my dog with just anyone and I certainly wouldn't want him stuck in the house all day. So I would have declined also.

cryinginthechapel · 21/04/2025 14:01

ScrewedByFunding · 21/04/2025 11:37

Ultimately it's up to the owner as they will know their dog best. Ours can't be left alone more than a couple of hours for medical reasons and I certainly wouldn't leave a dog all day on his own for a wedding.

This wedding can't be done in a day, it's abroad hence why the sister has said no.

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My comment wasn’t aimed at the OP. It’s just that I’d find it really claustrophobic if I literally cannot leave my dog in the care of others for even a short while

cryinginthechapel · 21/04/2025 13:59

Kilroyonly · 21/04/2025 11:27

That’s way too long to leave any dog alone

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That’s not what I meant. What about arranging a network of contacts/carers so you can attend a wedding or any event for a day? This was in response to a poster who can never leave his/her dog at all.

godmum56 · 21/04/2025 13:49

ScrewedByFunding · 21/04/2025 09:31

That's not how it works with dogs. They aren't children that you to prepare for adulthood and surviving in the wider world without you.

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This.

godmum56 · 21/04/2025 13:46

Judecb · 20/04/2025 22:51

Getting dog care is easy.

depends on the dog

minnienono · 21/04/2025 13:09

Firstly I think asking a family member to come to a destination wedding without their partner is very rude, and secondly not everyone has the means or desire to travel, the dog may just be a convenient excuse because flights plus hotel is expensive

pollymere · 21/04/2025 13:04

I have a cat we adopted on the basis it couldn't be left alone all day. It's got better. However, there are only four people in this world it trusts enough to feed it or be near it. One is DS, us, and luckily our lovely vet. We had a night away last year when DS came and cat-sat. One night.

We haven't been away since we got the cat other than that. Hopefully as she gets older we can use catteries or find someone she trusts etc. It's entirely reasonable to not be able to attend things that would be more than a single night away or abroad due to commitments like that. If it were an elderly or sick relative you wouldn't question it at all but suddenly people are expected to drop pets.

Enigma53 · 21/04/2025 12:14

OP, if this family member is that close and they have said no immediately, that kind of tells you something, surely? You may want her there, but straight away she doesn’t. It could well be down to the dog, finances, fear of flying, partner not accompanying; essentially 101 reasons. Read into that.

Enigma53 · 21/04/2025 12:10

Newgirls · 19/04/2025 08:16

Have a wedding at home and honeymoon in Italy. People are self focused and you are just making work for yourself.

Excellent suggestion.

GeezAJammyPeece · 21/04/2025 12:04

book YOUR wedding to suit YOU, that's your prerogative, but if it doesn't suit the guests you invite then unfortunately they may not be able or want to attend.

GeezAJammyPeece · 21/04/2025 12:02

My sister (eldest of 4) got married in their favourite holiday destination. None of the other 3 went for a combination of reasons.

I worked in a school and wedding was during term time. Dates were also in the middle of exam time and my eldest was sitting them.
Financially , it would have meant no family holiday if I had gone.

Other siblings had own (some similar!) reasons not to go.

Mum went, and had a great time.

I would have travelled to go to a celebratory party in the UK, if invited to one.

ScrewedByFunding · 21/04/2025 11:37

cryinginthechapel · 21/04/2025 11:26

But what about surviving for a day without you so you can go to a family wedding?

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Ultimately it's up to the owner as they will know their dog best. Ours can't be left alone more than a couple of hours for medical reasons and I certainly wouldn't leave a dog all day on his own for a wedding.

This wedding can't be done in a day, it's abroad hence why the sister has said no.

Kilroyonly · 21/04/2025 11:27

cryinginthechapel · 21/04/2025 11:26

But what about surviving for a day without you so you can go to a family wedding?

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That’s way too long to leave any dog alone

cryinginthechapel · 21/04/2025 11:26

ScrewedByFunding · 21/04/2025 09:31

That's not how it works with dogs. They aren't children that you to prepare for adulthood and surviving in the wider world without you.

Show quote history

But what about surviving for a day without you so you can go to a family wedding?

Kilroyonly · 21/04/2025 10:03

I wouldn’t leave my dog either & I definitely wouldn’t go if my OH wasn’t invited. TBH I would probably decline on the basis that it is overseas anyway, it’s a massive faff & very rarely that enjoyable or memorable. Just accept that she’s declined the reason is irrelevant