more a wwyd....

My friends husband vowed she would get nothing, he would never let her have any peace or money. Well she got over 50% of everything including his pension - you need that too - and the judge took non of his shit. He was a well paid and respected professional and courts see the reality of these men all the time. She lives now rather than exists and has nothing to do with him.

You need out, you need support and you can have your own live where you build up support. Have you got all the benefits you are entitled to? Make sure you get them sorted and speak to women’s aid who will help you see more of the abuse you suffer.

I hope to see you update one day that you are out and free and then everything else will be sortable.

That isn't being suggested. The situation might be adding to anxiety, school refusal etc. You've let the child's father off with too much. As said, get good legal advice. He's a absolute scumbag.

Does DC2 realise they will need to go back to school if you don't come home, as their dad will not be there to care for them and home school once he's back at work?

I have one disabled child and two whose ND issues don't severely affected them.
You have to acknowledge that DC2 needs and wants haven't been met because of DC1. You are making a lot of statements about what you are happy with, but that throws DC2 under the bus. You need good legal advice. You will need to be adequately housed for SS to be happy with the situation once DC1 becomes an adult. Parental carers of adult children who have severe disabilities are currently fighting for more powers to remain a carer to them. Things can be taken out of your hands. This text might be a wake up call, because life is tough for the younger siblings of a disabled child. You need to gather advice and split, but only if you would accept respite. Respite entitlement will change once you are a LP to a disabled adult.

Kindly, is there any possibility that your youngest child's mental health problems are sparked by the situation within the home? It sounds like you're all under a lot of strain and there are difficult dynamics going on between all of you.

Again with respect, your replies are all about why things can't change, how you have accepted things, that you're life is the way it is and you're ok with that.

It's fine that you're ok with how things are and how things will always be but maybe your youngest isn't ok and their needs actually have to take priority.

Also please have a benefits check carried out. It sounds as though you should be eligible for carers allowances, attendance and the higher rate of mobility. Also there are umpteen charities that will help with time away, carers for your eldest etc.

It feels a bit like you're stuck but too worn down (or something) to actually make the effort to improve the situation you're all in.

Both my DC are NT but they have both individually expressed how much they like some "only child" time
It sounds like the issue is more your H

So tough OP sending a hug. Sounds like DC2 does need time away from DC1 and that you may inadvertently been neglecting their needs as well as your own. Maybe if you divorced they would choose not to live with DC1 even if it meant not living with you. Doesn’t mean they don’t love you.

What would happen if you just said DC2 and I are going out for the weekend day and did it ? Would DH step up or would DC1 be left in the house alone?

Fair enough. I think that when your young person becomes an adult it may be easier to get more support. I am currently sorting this for my own dd. I had my first proper break recently and it was wonderful. I think it gives you a bit of energy to carry on with the everyday.

I think you need some proper advice - from Women's Aid or a solicitor, on your rights and options. There are some very worrying examples of abusive behaviour from your H and red flags - he is clearly very controlling. You are in a difficult situation but I think with the right support, there are options out there for a better life for you and your children.

Sorry to sound like I'm giving you a hard time here, @Bluebells444 Im honestly not, but how can you possibly be at peace with the life you have, when it can be so much better if you can take control of it.

H would never let me stay in the family home (he stresses that I paid very little towards the mortgage as I never earned a lot and vowed to make sure I get nothing in case of a divorce ).

your H is feeding you utter bullshit, don't fall for it! He may say he won't let you stay but if you are legally married then it doesn't matter what you've paid towards the mortgage, the divorce court starts on the basis of a 50 / 50 split of assets, taking into account the length of the marriage, assets brought into the marriage and especially children's needs. He cannot declare your rights to you, he has no right to do that. He sounds utterly ignorant.

Him "vowing" to make sure you get nothing in divorce, is him bullshitting, threatening, gaslighting and being controlling.

you need your own legal representation to ensure your needs are met. You can leave this abusive toxic situation and go on to have an even more fulfilling life if you so choose,

What your husband says is bs. You're married so the marital assets will be split 50/50 regardless of what you've paid into it. Good luck op

I wouldn't react. I'd keep my powder dry
If you are to divorce and seperate, I'd bring it up with your husband. Clearly dd2 would benefit hugely from time away from her sibling
That can be sorted by dh.

You can have a life but you will need to make a lot of changes and dig deep. How old is your dc1? Respite is hard to get but it is possible.

This sounds incredibly complicated.

Firstly, clearly you and your DH have issues and he needs to step up and be a parent to both of his children, as well as giving you a break. Has he always been like this? Unfortunately having a disabled child puts stress on any relationship, and sadly it’s not uncommon for some parents to check out.

Secondly, the impact of a severely disabled sibling should never be under estimated. DC2’s life is being severely limited by her sibling, and that’s nobody’s fault. But as a child all she is going to see is the fact that her disabled sibling is given priority due to their disability, and as such her own childhood has been limited.

It’s not fair on any of you, but as a child it’s understandable why she might be lashing out, and be happy now that her sibling isn’t currently around.

Parents need a break from their severely disabled children, that’s why respite exists, so it’s not wrong for children to feel the same.

The issue here isn't a text from DC2.

Get some self respect and a divorce.

DC2 is being honest, ASD does that. Treat it like when a 5yo says they like auntie Jane more than you cus she buys me better presents

Your responses still seem conflicted whether DC2 is having a good time or being manipulated by dad into saying this to hurt you. If it's the former, then while it's hurtful it's important for you to try to be happy for them and try talking about how to improve their life generally. Be open, they might have ideas you haven't considered.

I'm sorry it sounds like your life is hard work and poorly supported by your DH. Ideally can you suggest a week to swap where you take DC2 and he has DC1 next time he's on leave, for balance? Are there any schemes for DC1 to move into supported independent living in the longer term?

You aren't "allowed" to communicate with your DC2?

your H has no right to do that - parental alienation is a thing.

sounds like a very toxic relationship that your DC2 is caught in the middle of - I would seriously push back on that, your relationship with your DC2 is at stake here,