I don’t like shy children

In fairness your daughters feelings reflect that the shy people don’t realise how there behaviour does affect others they are so wrapped up in themselves. I’ve tried to even mildly smile or say hello ( I am not very out going) to shy colleague and when they don’t reciprocate it makes me feel like sh*t as it makes me assume there is something wrong with me. Still don’t know if they hate me for some unknown reason same went in the playground amongst girls

I’ve never suggested it’s that transactional, only that if person A is replying in monosyllables and staring at their shoes, person B, a stranger to them, has to do the work of deciding whether they’re (1) shy but want to be talked to, despite not giving any such impression (2) shy and don’t want to be talked to, or (3) not at all shy, but reserved and/or uncommunicative, and for some reason unwilling or unable to say ‘Look, would you mind going to talk to someone else? Im just thinking my own thoughts here.’

For that reason, it’s an obvious next move to move on from monosyllabic A, rather than potentially irritate someone whose demeanour doesn’t give the impression they are at all happy talking to you.

I mean, no one is telling anyone else how to behave here, only that if your ‘shy’ behaviour is giving someone else the impression you’d rather be sticking pins in your eyes than be talking to them, the other person, not being psychic, isn’t going to know that you’re in fact delighted by their company, and is likely likely to take themselves off to someone more obviously at ease with a conversation.

Serious question: how do you tell the difference between giving a shy person a chance vs annoying them with unwanted chatter?

agree with this. I’d be more inclined to teach her that not everyone will like her. She’s not the centre of everyone’s world. Her worth is not dependent on others liking her.

IME = in my experience. So no, I haven’t really found that. But I also don’t see interacting with people as “What can I get out of this”. I’m just Person A interacting with Person B, and what we are both bringing to that conversation at that time.

Ask DD to imagine a world where everyone wanted to talk, to suggest what other people did, to be loud and listened to. Ask her if the whole world was full of these people, then who would be quietly listening to her, and who would join in when she suggested things rather than insist on doing their own thing? Explain to her that we need all types of people and that being quieter and less outgoing isn't any less valid than being outgoing and chatty. That she can be friends with who she likes, but its often nicest to have all different types of people around us.

but that's not fair either! Children are not robots to be got out of the box and switched on to amuse others.

I was a shy child and am a shy adult. I find it difficult to make friends as I just don't know how to do small talk, so unless people come to me to make friends, I just don't make them. Therefore all of my friends have confident personalities.

I fully see why people might see me as unfriendly and might therefore not like me, but if I'm given a little time and a chance it's great. Understand that people don't have to give me that chance though, I'm not a charity case haha.

It's fine that your daughter doesn't click with these kinds of children, but it might be worth reminding her that a lot of kids just need a chance, and if she's nice to them, they might become great friends!

You’ve just made me remember an encounter when my next sister and I were still in our shy, whispery ‘I don’t know’ stage (as carefully trained by our mother, who disliked a confident child, particularly a confident girl).

Our aunt, to whom we were close, had an American boyfriend for a few months, and he was keen to be nice to us and give us treats when we were out with them. The poor man kept offering funfairs, amusement parks, trips to the cinema, and my sister and I just kept staring at our feet and whispering ‘I don’t know’. We would absolutely have adored any of these things, as our family was dirt poor, and I think we’d only been to the cinema a couple of times by the time we were eight and six, but we’d been taught this was how you behaved. It was better to quietly be sick or wet yourself or whatever rather than speak up.

I suspect, looking back, that he found it baffling and maddening that we just wouldn’t say what we wanted, in response to a kind, repeated direct question, and this nice, well-meaning, generous man, who asked nothing more than to give his girlfriend’s nieces a treat, felt like some threatening figure because we seemed so uneasy in his presence, and he couldn’t tell if we were just afraid of him. Which we weren’t, but how was he to know?

One of my DC is less social than the others and ive taught him to give polite responses if he doesn't want to talk/join in.

"No thank you, I'd rather not".

OP says she's six :)

I find it helps to talk in terms of behaviours. Its ok to not like rude behaviour, not ok to say "i don't like shy people".

How old is she?

There's shy, and there's sullen. Some children can be actually quite sulky or unfriendly to where its bordering on rude - i think some parents excuse this as shy when it is not really.

As a pp said, truly shy but polite/friendly children will tend to be quite pleased when a more talkative child wants to play, and will smile awkwardly back etc, join in, even if they don't speak a lot or need a bit of encouragement at first.

This is how I tend to feel about very shy people. It's fine to not be a boisterous extrovert. But if you are so shy that others find you hard work then it becomes rudeness.

I don't know about anyone else, but I don't live my life to please "boisterous extroverts". If you find someone rude for simply minding their own business - then that's a "you" problem, quite frankly.

I have autism and have always struggled in social situations. I'm not actually shy, I just find talking to strangers really stressful so I'd rather just keep to myself. When people push me and keep talking at me, it just makes it worse.

That's actually a really interesting perspective (I really hope that doesn't sound patronising as it's honestly not meant to, lol).

As someone with autism who struggles badly with social interactions, it always comes across as though they genuinely don't know how to cope with people who aren't like them.

Your DD is lucky and will probably not be held back in life because she can interact confidently with people. However, you have the opportunity to teach her some empathy as you were shy as a child. Loud, brash, confident people who can’t understand other’s difficulties are not as well-liked or successful as those who can also understand other people’s differences. Telling her of your own experience as a child may help her understand other children better.

Adults and children found monosyllabic, whispery, blushing girls who looked as if they hated every second extremely dull and very hard work

This is how I tend to feel about very shy people. It's fine to not be a boisterous extrovert. But if you are so shy that others find you hard work then it becomes rudeness.

I find whispering, in particular, very strange and am quite taken aback when another parent allows their child to whisper. It makes the person being whispered in front of feel awkward and left out. The parent will often excuse it with "Oh, she's very shy!" but that doesn't make it okay.

as an ex shy child believe me I did not feel self important or self absorbed, I felt SCARED.

I agree. I think the definition of shy is easily blurred by others' perception and interpretation therefore, terms like self important or self absorbed become interchangeable language used to describe shy behaviour.

Additionally, being quiet and being shy are not the same. You can be quiet without being shy.

She doesn't like kids who don't smile at her or want to play with her. I think that's fine and a natural response.

The label shy is a red herring, they might be shy or introvert or they might just not like her/ the other kids.

So long as she isn't mean to anyone she's allowed to like/not like people.

FWIW I am quite extroverted and enjoy chatting to anyone, I like nearly everyone I meet but severe introverts can be too much work to make a good friendship with. You have to see them on their own / not too much and in a bigger social situation you have to do all the conversational heavy lifting while they just stand there and they don't like x, y or z or whatever. It's like they have to make all the rules. It does sometimes come off as them not liking you, and perhaps they don't. My DD is very introverted and part of it is not really liking very many people (or definitely not liking them enough to want to hang out).
I can understand why a six year old would just play with someone else!

I think that "I dont like this person" can be both neutral or negative, depending on the circumstances. I can really dislike the person or I can just feel indifferent.

As she is only 6, I'm wondering where she has learnt the (for want of a better word) label "shy"? And that shy = don’t smile at her or want to play when she asks them and it makes her sad that they might not like her as their face and the way they act looks like that

I wonder if this might have been fed to her from somewhere? I'm not suggesting you have done this OP, but it does rather young to have placed other children in the "shy camp."

it’s time to help her understand that if someone doesn’t want to play with her, they don’t want to play with her.

You and others may think she’s ‘very outgoing, fun, friendly, kind etc’ but to others she will come across as pushy, silly and overfamiliar.

It’s ok for her to be the way she is and it’s also ok for others to be the way they are. As a quiet child I wouldn’t have liked her, and as an adult she’d come across as precocious to me. And that’s all ok, you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea.

She’ll find her tribe and realise that she doesn’t have to be sad if someone doesn’t want to play with her, she just needs to move on and not care what they think of her.

What your DD says is she isnt comfortable around children who behave this way. I think thats fair enough. We all feel differently with different people. I think she is smart to be able to notice things like this.