I don’t like shy children

Lots of people on here are confusing shyness with being an introvert.

Shy = A person who is nervous and uncomfortable in the presence of other people.

Introvert= A person who prefers calm environments, limits social engagement, or embraces a greater than average preference for solitude.

I'm pretty introverted. I'm not shy. Being around lots of people, or being in a big group doesn't make me feel anxious, or nervous, or scared. I'm just happy in my own company and when I socialise I prefer to be in a small group or 1:1. I won't lie, I find big gatherings exhausting and just don't enjoy being surrounded by endless chatter. I can and do talk to people, and I have a decent amount of friends both introverted and extroverted.

However I know a few extroverted people have (wrongly) assumed I'm stuck up, or don't like them when we've met if I don't match their energy, or don't want to socialise. I find it bizarre that people on here would see that as me being self absorbed. Surely feeling entitled to another person's company is self absorbed in itself.

The child is 6!! It’s perfectly normal for 6 year olds to see the world in black and white within the parameters that they are used to ffs It doesn’t mean that she’s going to end up as a shallow and mean adult.

OP’a job as parent is to expand DD’s knowledge of the world and help her develop into a normal caring adult. It might mean talking to dd about her painful experience of being shy but as a good parent asking this question, I am sure that she will help her dd try and understand.

The people who have name called etc are often the ones who only make friends with people who are similar to them and happily ignore marginalised groups like the ones with SN and MH issues.

while it is true that this child needs to learn that other peoples behaviour is not all about her, it is also true that shy people often require a lot more input from others in order to be included, and it is ok not to want to do that.

And you've grown up to be someone who insults six year olds on the internet. Well done you.

Are you actually all right?

Aren't you worried that she'll grow up and want to be one of those awful 'influencers' putting their lives online for likes?

She sounds potentially 'narcissistic' not liking shy children because they don't give her any validation. Definitely getting mean girl vibes as well.

Hopefully she'll grow out of it and realise that you don't have to attention seek all the time, and can have shy times where you just can't be arsed...

DD is an extrovert who likes other extroverts. There are also introverts who like quieter people. In some ways extroverts have an easier time, but not always - they can really suffer when there is nobody around to match their energy, and DD is suffering (a bit) from being around children who don't readily smile at her and join in her games.

It’s interesting to see this perspective, I’m not shy but can sometimes be socially anxious eg I won’t always smile and make eye contact on school run, and it’s always been my own thing, not about anyone else. I just don’t feel sociable
some days and want to stay in my own bubble. But others obviously notice because then I wonder why some people don’t like me who don’t even know me 😂

That’s lovely 😊

"Extroverts who insist on filling space with their chatter and energy, regardless of how welcome it is, could be described in exactly the same way. "

Blimey @Swiftie1878

That's harsh against Extroverts. Many extroverts do have people skills, can listen as well as talk. Friendship is about give and take, complementing each others requirements, or else the friendship won't last, won't be balanced and fulfilling, if you don't give, don't make the effort.

Your DD’s reasoning makes sense but I would give her some food for thought by telling her about your experience as a shy person.

For example how did you feel about confident kids? If you were in her class, would you have smiled back or looked down/away because you were self conscious or surprised that you were noticed ? How many times would it take for you to say yes to a request that you play?

What I’m saying is, it’s understandable that she is turned off by the lack of smile and declining an offer to play but it’s because of how they feel about themselves and not how they feel about her. She’s 6 so may not have considered this angle.

Channel the child version of yourself and explain that she shouldn’t be turned off by the lack of smile and them saying no. Underneath what appears like a cold exterior, is someone who could be a good friend. It could be hard work for her but it’s not personal and the shy person would say no to anyone who asked them to play.

I think I’d say something along the lines of “that’s okay - we all have types of people that we prefer. But remember - you may not be their sort of person either!”. Which I think is fair enough. One person’s “outgoing and friendly” can be someone else’s “loud and overbearing”. The other thing o always tell my (admittedly older) kids is not to place too much store by first impressions. The people who become your greatest friends might not be the people you’re immediately drawn to in any situation. Some people really grow on you over time as you get to know them (and vice versa).

I was painfully shy and most of the kids bullied me as they assumed I was stuck up.

Please tell your dd that kids are shy and quiet for many reasons and it's OK, it doesn't mean they don't want to be friends, but even if they don't, it's their choice.

If other people find my behaviour makes them uncomfortable, that's not my problem. I don't exist to please them.

I genuinely don't understand this viewpoint. Most people's behaviour has nothing to do with how they feel about you

It’s true. You need to show you’re friendly and contribute to the conversation or it makes people uncomfortable. They think you’re sitting there judging them or something. I wish I’d worked it out 20 years earlier! I was very introverted and shy but even now I have to remind myself not to just sit back and enjoy everyone else’s conversations.

Blaming tech is such a lazy answer.

Shy and anxious people have always existed, and always will exist. Technology has just made it easier for them not to be forced into uncomfortable conversations.

Also this.

There do seem to be way more ‘shy’/anxious kids around who can’t look anyone in the eye or hold even a simple conversation. I think it’s tech.

"Catherine" wouldn't have had the social skills to handle the situation either.

I remember being young (perhaps age 6 to 10 or so) and being told “Make sure you include Catherine - she’s very shy!”. “Catherine” would then look appalled whenever I tried to include her and would repeatedly run back to her mum to whisper to her. As an adult I would probably say something direct then give up. But at six it was extremely uncomfortable … and required fairly complex social skills that I didn’t have.

Well, no, because I'm an adult and not nervous six year old.

But I would likely feel very uncomfortable if a stranger approached me and started a conversation.

If I were to speak to you, would you look appalled and then whisper behind your hand to your mother?

She's only young, and I think everyone has a personality type they naturally gravitate towards. Learning to interact with people who aren't necessarily your type comes with maturity so I don't think it's cause for concern just yet. As long as she isn't unkind to shy children, it's fine for her to prefer the company of more outgoing types.