I don’t like shy children

Sometimes we assume people.don't like us, could it be your daughter is projecting a bit here @Whatsuppppp ? Is she insecure? Sensitive to rejection?

I’m not talking about a child. The thread has moved on from the six year olds. All six year olds are self-absorbed.

I don’t use ‘self-absorbed’ judgementally, and I think that the pop psychology use of ‘narcissist’ is infuriating. I’m simply pointing out that whether the self-absorption is caused by shyness or arrogance, too much concentration on how you’re coming across or too little, the effect on the other person is the same — a total lack of attention. Which is counter-productive for the person who is desperate to engage and be liked. The arrogantly self-absorbed won’t care.

Sounds like she just hasn't found her people yet. Maybe as she matures she will realise that we are all different and we all have strong points and weak ones.

she doesn't have to be friends with kids she doesn't want to but she absolutely must not be unkind. As long as she isn't bullying or teasing. Children tend to end up finding their own friendships and people they enjoy spending time with .

I’d question why people hate others sitting and minding their own business. Depending on the environment, one is not entitled to attention or a chat.

I’d also wonder why someone not returning a smile is automatically assumed by some that they have done something wrong vs the person that didn’t return it is likely having a bad day and don’t feel like smiling. Few like being told to smile so how is expecting someone to return it, not different if someone doesn’t feel like it.

I think most people are both and which side they are on depends on environments.

Of course it means you don't like them, if you don't like them. I don't like you, because I never met you. You don't like me for the same reason. Don't like is the neutral position.

TBH, overly friendly children can be extremely irritating- the sort who latch onto you/DC at the beach/park/play centre and you can’t shake. I’ve seen this happen with both of my DC and you can even end up having to talk to them/entertain them for ages as adults. I prefer shy DC to those sorts of annoying kids.

Some "shy" people appreciate someone else breaking the ice and getting the interaction going.
Some "shy" people would rather be left to their own thoughts.

There isn't an absolute rule because everyone is different and has their own motivations.

Some quiet people are lovely once there's some familiarity and momentum.
Some ultra-quiet people can be hard work. I've known a small number that I've found very draining because there's no feedback in the interaction at all. Likewise I've found some ultra-loud people draining because they dominate the social space. The range between is wide.

There is a level of social astuteness in a 6yo recognising a trait that they don't find appealing. She hasn't said anything mean to quiet children which would be mean.

The next stage is developing a reaction to that realisation. She will develop some skills to manage that type of interaction and recognise between someone being quiet and someone wanting wanting more space and to understand that the reaction is about how that person feels not her. Children are egocentric and she is still quite early in the long process about recognising other people's social needs.

#BeKind isn't the answer. She's not responsible for fixing others' social needs single-handedly. Being Understanding is a gradual process and it sounds like she's in an age appropriate place along that process.

It might depend what field you’re in. At my work it’s the opposite; the introverts tend to put their heads down and get on with the work. The extroverts tend to talk about doing a lot of the work but when you look into it, it’s all just talk and not a lot of substance.

Thats what I’ve found with the likes of LinkedIn too - lots of self promoting from the extroverts.

Personality types don't excuse poor manners or rude behaviour in either case.

Agreed, but everyone has a different definition of "rude".

Lots of people on here have said they hate introverts just sitting and minding their own business, for example. Someone upthread said they got offended if they smiled at someone who didn't smile back because they think it means they've done something wrong.

Then you have introverts saying they find being forced into conversation rude, and don't like it when people feel like they have to constantly fill the silence.

I think everyone could do with being a bit more tolerant, really.

Lots of people on here are incredibly harsh on extroverts.

Ime the extroverted, very social kid is often the one who takes the disabled kid by the hand and includes them.

They are often the ones looking to bring others in, who are uncomfortable with people being left out or excluded. Not bad traits.

I see extroverts who are generous and share well, who are thoughtful and kind. Just as i see those traits in introverts. There are lovely people of all types.

Personality types don't excuse poor manners or rude behaviour in either case.

It's only "self-absorbed" in the sense that anyone who is in that moment overcome by difficult, strong, or overwhelming emotions is "self-absorbed" in that moment, naturally, because they're trying to manage those difficulties while simultaneously giving you their attention. Anxiety and fear are emotions which can require a lot of skill and therefore attention to manage.

The term "self-absorbed" is quite judgemental and loaded, usually associated with selfishness, narcissism or similar attributes, so it's unfair to apply that to a child who is anxious or scared, for whatever reason.

With some people I don’t have enough in common or share enough character traits so I choose not to spend too much time with them, it doesn’t mean I don’t like them. There isn’t a binary list of people I like or people I dislike as I’m a fully grown adult who recognises people are all different.

Yes to this.

Also encourage your daughter to strike up a conversation along the lines of 'what's your favourite colour/ animal/ food' or 'I like your hairstyle/ drawings/ etc'.

No, I think that’s correct. If you are primarily worrying about how you’re coming across, thinking ‘Is what I just said stupid?’ and not really listening while the other person is speaking because you’re planning what you are going to say next in case they think you’re boring if you leave a silence, then that is by definition self-absorbed. Just as someone who loves the sound of their own voice and monologues endlessly without displaying the remotest interest in the other person is self-absorbed. Two different motivating factors, but the effect is similar.

That’s why I said extroverts who…
Of course there are lovely extroverts, just as there are lovely shy people.
I was rebutting the notion that shyness is a self-absorbed and self-important emotion. Both introverts and extroverts can be; most aren’t.

It must be such a tiring way to live, lol.

I just go about my business. Often I have an air-pod in, or I'm thinking about work, or what to have for dinner, or trying to stop the dog from eating something off the pavement. I'm not even really looking at what anyone else is doing the vast majority of the time.

If someone messaged me and asked if I'd upset them because I didn't smile at them in the street, I'd honestly think they'd lost the plot!

Yes.. I think it shows insecurity always thinking it’s about them.
I must be offending people all over the place 😆

I agree with you.

Harsh!

I think it makes sense that I child might think another child doesn't like them if they don't smile/respond when they talk to them.

It's up to adults to then explain to children that people express themselves differently/how a shy child may be feeling or thinking.

OP I think her saying this is a good opportunity to talk about that sort of stuff. It doesn't mean she's not a nice girl.

Your daughter is being judgemental towards shy people. She should try to involve them in her conversations, rather than saying she hates them.
Sometimes, people are afraid to make the first move in friendships, because they may have been bullied when younger. This may have taken the form of ridicule over the way they spoke, so they choose not to speak, in case it happens again.
I was bullied mercilessly at school. I ended up putting up walls so that I could protect myself from the bullies. It also caused me huge trust issues. In fact, I've only managed to come out from behind the walls - to a certain extent - as I've got older. I've also had 2 relationships (1 with a man I married, and was married to until 2023, when he sadly passed away, and I've been with my current partner for just over 18 months). My first partner/spouse encouraged me to come out of my shell by showing me that not everyone is out to pick on me. He also showed me that there are decent, loving people out there!
My current partner continues to show me this. Both men loved/love me unconditionally, which helps me to "stay out of my shell".

I'm with you @QueefQueen80s (great name!).

I'm just going about my business - it honestly doesn't even occur to me that walking around in my own little world could possibly be seen as offensive.

Oh, the irony.

Because it doesn’t bother me if others do that. I know some mornings some people are too tired to say hello, too wrapped up in kids. It’s very common on my school run for people to do what I do. I just think they’re not feeling it today.
So it’s interesting to see it can bother people and they need constant reassurance, repeated social niceties otherwise it must mean someone doesn’t like them.

Well, obviously you get to choose how you behave, but surely you can see that if you’re smiley and say hello one day, and the next completely blank the same person, they may wonder if they’ve inadvertently done something to offend or annoy you?

I find it absolutely fascinating that so many people assume other people's behaviour is personal to them. It must be very tiring.

Well, obviously you get to choose how you behave, but surely you can see that if you’re smiley and say hello one day, and the next completely blank the same person, they may wonder if they’ve inadvertently done something to offend or annoy you?

I’m pretty socially confident (also an introvert) and genuinely developed a minor complex about an acquaintance in the village where we used to live. I fell into conversation with her one day in the playground when we’d only lived there a couple of months, liked her immediately and was actually thinking of asking her if she fancied coming over for coffee sometime, when next time I met her on the street and said hello, she blanked me. This blanking happened a few times, then one time she sat next to me on the bus and was as friendly as she’d ever been, and I was a bit rattled when she blanked me again next time. To cut a long story short. It turned out that she was visually impaired and was only recognising me if I was close enough to her to see my face and put it together with my voice…