I don’t like shy children

I presume your daughter is still quite little, op.

It's up to you to try and explain that not everyone is outgoing but it doesn't mean they don't like people, they are shy. She will learn as time goes on, bless her.

I think that’s fair enough. I’m pretty shy in nature although have learned to adapt and if I’m brutally honest I’m not overly keen on big extroverts. I find them too much, too in your face. My kids are introverted but have lots of friends as they’re kind and funny once you get to know them.

Your daughter is attracted to other kids who wear their heart of their sleeve, that’s completely fine! Everyone’s different and prefers different kinds of people.

You've hit a nail here, OP: I was always just thinking of it from my point of view.

Shyness often comes from anxiety about what others will think of you, fear of being judged and found wanting. There's quite a bit of irony here - partly because social reticence does give the impression you don't want to be liked, so perpetuates the anxiety, and partly because others are snapping at your DD that "it's not all about her!"

She's only a kid but it's a great opportunity to start explaining to her what shyness feels like, so she could at least feel sympathetic. Tbh there's not much she can do, though - she clearly isn't plagued by self-doubt and I hope that stays with her, but she's not able to help a shy child look more outwards than in.

Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job as her coach and supporter 🤗

Did she actually mean shy or did she mean condescending/smug? Sometimes children don't get the nuances right. I've seen this in girls in particular because boys who are not nice tend to show their colours more outwardly why girls are a bit more refined. So it won't be "the shyness" that bothers your DD because the shy ones are likely to be relieved to cling on to someone more confident. Some precocious/mean girls will find your extroverted DD ott/childish and they will show a dislike/disdain for her without saying it out loud. Is that what she has categorized as "shy"? In that case try to unpick it for her so she can put words on what it is she doesn't like because it's a shame to put shy people in the same category as "I think I'm superior than you" type of people.

She lacks the tact to express how she feels in a more socially acceptable way, but that’s part and parcel of being a child. I can see her instinctive reasoning at some level: I find shyness difficult to rub along with because ultimately it’s such a self-absorbed and self-important emotion: other people really aren’t focusing on or thinking about you to anything like the extent you imagine and feel self conscious about, and it often creates such an insincere level of interaction because if you’re constantly thinking about yourself and how you’re being perceived and come across, that barrier impedes genuine engagement. Children are pretty good at picking up on these nuances, even if they can’t articulate them sensitively.

Smiles can be insincere though

I meant precocious sorry 🫣

Tell your daughter that you was once that shy child.

You don't like children who like couscous? That's.... niche

I think you need to work on teaching DD that not everything is about her. Not every child wants to smile at or play with a stranger, shy or not.

She's allowed to have opinions about the sort of children she likes and dislikes. You can tell her that's fine, but she still needs to treat shy children with respect and not make them feel bad. Beyond that, she may or may not revise her opinions as she matures and her understanding of human nature develops.

Your daughter isn't unkind she just says it as she sees it!
I'm much more like her and always (and still do) felt a judgemental feel from shy people, because I'm willing to yap and chat to anyone it can feel an insult when they don't feel the same.
Also quieter people often say the most intriguing, funny, witty things when they do talk! It can be intimidating believe it or not!

I can't stomach procousous children either so maybe I'm the issue

Your daughter isn’t as kind as you think if she thinks other kids are there to make her happy and she judges them negatively if they don’t act in a way that she prefers.

she needs to understand that a child can feel/behave any way they want and is doesn’t mean they don’t like her. How old is your daughter as if any older than 5 she should be aware some children are shy, some out going but it’s no reflection on her.