I don’t like shy children

Er, don’t you think we really need to know the age of the child before you resort to name calling?

I think as a child it can possibly be a different experience depending on age. As you might approach another for play or friendship etc and they ignore you or start crying in can be a not very nice experience.

She’s just a child who is trying to explain the way she has been made to feel. You can only explain what being shy is and being kind having grace etc. doesn’t need anymore thought than that

My first born is quiet. He is not shy. Those two things are not the same. He’s very very confident. He’s a musician and performs a lot in public and has led some big orchestras and played solos in big halls. He’s just not a big talker. He has a small group of friends that he’s very loyal towards but he also quite likes his own company. I think some people see him as shy because he takes a while to warm up, but he’s very comfortable in his own skin. He would much rather lead an orchestra or a 150 kids than go to a party with 30.

His sibling is the very opposite. He loves it when he does well, is dramatic in defeat, not a thought has crossed his brain that he doesn’t express and is great at making friends. He is unfailingly kind but also social. He’s the life and soul of a party and great at solving things when his friends argue, but he lacks his brother’s quiet confidence. He’s very very garrulous is but gets nervous on stage or when he thinks he’s under pressure. (And instead of being ‘shy’ becomes silly).

As a mother I worry about them for different reasons- I worry if Child 1 might be lonely, and if Child 2 should be less afraid of failure.

So remember we are complex beings. Not being endless talkative doesn’t mean someone is shy or lacking confidence. And the most confident outgoing people often use that to hide their insecurities.

@Whatsuppppp

did you tell your daughter that you were shy when you were younger? she might develop some empathy for people who are different to her, if she heard about your experiences.

how would your younger self have felt to know that the ‘outgoing, fun, friendly, kind etc’ children in your class actively disliked you for a personality trait or (as a pp says) a hidden disability that you don’t have much control over? Shy people can learn to be more forthcoming as they grow up, but they may well always be shy.

I’m surprised at how many people on this thread are saying ‘shy people make me uncomfortable, so it’s okay to dislike them’.

100% this.

It's fine if she prefers more confident children, as long as she's not doing anything like teasing the quieter kids. Other children might prefer the quieter ones.

Some children are also just so incredibly shy to the point that it is very hard work to interact with them. It is what it is 🤷‍♀️

Maybe your daughter thinks of it in terms of what shy children make her do - it’s common to see a shy child make their friends ask for things, fetch equipment, speak up in a group. This can cause friendship fallouts at school etc.

I find it interesting that people find shyness “self absorbed”. I think a lot of people, especially outgoing people, mistake someone not being interested in interacting with them as the person “being shy”. I think assuming everyone around you wants to play with you/interact with you is equally self absorbed as shyness.

Maybe these children are shy. Maybe they just don’t want to play with your daughter. Either is fine.

My child (3) isn’t shy but he does like to stand back and take in new surroundings before jumping in. I think that’s a sensible survival instinct rather than the kids who fling themselves right into everything and talk to absolutely anyone unabashed, adult or child.

How old is she? Guessing she is young? If she is then sounds like she doesn't dislike them as much as incorrectly assumes they dislike her because they don't react the same as her when meeting someone; doesn't sound that unusual if she is young but is something you should address and support her to understand.

How you respond to this really depends how old she is. If she’s age 4, a brief chat about the reason people can be shy, and if she’s 7, maybe a longer conversation about being kind etc, as if she’s that age it does sound a bit unkind.

You don’t say how old she is, but she just needs teaching that people have different personalities and that she needs to be kind and give others a chance. In the same way that a shy child needs support to build confidence.

They're just kids, they need to learn and it’s the parents’ job to teach them.

I think this is a helpful way to look at it and I would be gently but firmly pulling my DD up on this if I was the OP - because it’s one thing saying I don’t like so-and-so to you at home, but next time she might say it in earshot of another child which would of course be very cruel.

Personally I discourage my DC from talking like this. ‘I don’t like you’ is unnecessary labelling and can come across quite mean. ‘Christine doesn’t talk to me which makes me feel sad so I don’t want to play with her’ is better as it keeps it factual and objective.

I think she has acknowledged how most adults probably feel too!
i am not a shy person in most aspects of life but I am autistic and seem to struggle with my sons school interactions that I should really be having.
I am fully aware the other parents both at school and clubs have branded me as ‘rude and ignorant’
this Is soooo far from the truth I just don’t know how to interact in this way and find it extremely anxiety inducing.
I would definetly make your daughter aware that being shy isn’t always a choice so she can try to see others point of view.

her opinion isnt a bad one at all she’s just said what she has observed but sometimes what we observe isn’t the same from every point of view x

I don't think that there is anything wrong with having a preference. People who appear very unresponsive when you interact with them can make you feel really awkward. There's only so hard I will try with someone who doesn't appear to want to talk to me.

She will probably pick up more nuance as she gets older so I'd hold off any heavy lectures about causes of shyness or to "teach empathy". Stick to simple things like teaching her that some people want to play but others might want to be left alone.

My DC are/were the shy children in the playground. They are pretty wary of being approached by random people. I used to feel sad about this, as I wanted them to be sociable, and I would look on with amazement at the confident children who had no qualms about coming up to someone they didn’t know and asking if they wanted to play. But now I totally get it, and can see the awkwardness and cringe on their behalf when someone comes over uninvited and starts jabbering on.

I’m quite shy, although I’m now able to be fairly confident socially. People that I don’t know well have often found me a little intimidating and don’t always warm to me. However, people do also treat me with respect, presumably because they feel they have to earn my favour. Behind my shyness I can be silly, gossipy and I really like most people but over time I have discovered that it is useful to have this veneer of reserve.

My children are autistic and come across as very shy.

They hate it when overly confident children bother them when they're just trying to play.

This reminds me of a thread on here a while back about extroverts and introverts.

A self proclaimed extrovert was upset about a colleague not wanting to chat with them during the long commute. The OP couldn't understand why her need for interaction and entertainment outweighed the needs of the colleague who just wanted to sit quietly by herself during the commute.

The OP didnt get why her colleague didn't want to validate her and be there for her amusement. She just couldn't understand that sometimes people are quite happy with their own company and/or need that time by themselves to recharge.

You don't t say how old your daighter is but in an age appropraue way, you need to tell her that not everyone wants to play or interact with her all the time and she needs to respect that. You also need to tell her that sometimes people don't want to be friends and that's OK. It doesn't mean that don't like her (although not everyone will always like her and that's OK too). Remind her that she can't just decide she doesn't like someone because they don't want to instantly play with her.

Basically, like the example above, it's not about a child being shy, it's about your daughter learning that not everyone wants to play with her and that doesn't make them wrong or unlikeable. She needs to respect those boundaries and understand that different people like different things.

You talk about how shy you were as a kid. But there is nothing wrong with that. When I was growing up, the world was made for extroverts and if you weren't out there interacting all the time you were made to feel like there was something wrong with you. Thankfully it feels like there has been a big shift and now you're not seen as weird if you'd rather sit at home with a book than be out parting on a Friday night.

Don’t be so cruel and hysterical. OP’s child is not an entitled little brat or a bully or a gossip monger for expressing an honest opinion to her mother. You don’t even know how old she is - she could be four or five, but even if she’s older she’s still learning how to be a human. She also didn’t say ‘hate’, that was your silly exaggeration.

You are such a hypocrite for complaining about this kid being a ‘bully’ when you’re saying a CHILD is an entitled little brat because she was open and honest with her mother.

I don’t know how old your DD is, but I think it shows a bit of lack of empathy for others. I think everyone can feel a bit shy sometimes. If you are a person who is never shy and always incredibly extrovert and without being able to tune into how others might feel, you might not have the easiest life either as other might find you a bit OTT.

DD was very quiet and introvert as a younger child. Even now, its a case of she doesn't say much, but when she does, its important.

What a unknown child might not know by looking at her... she had a speech impediment, and selective mutism. She did want to play, but couldn't communicate. Her best friends were those who accepted that she didn't always speak.

Watching her with other children was always interesting as you could work out who the kind ones actually were. Sometimes it was the popular girls, sometimes other quiet children, sometimes the lively boys.

I was fairly shy as a young child but as an adult I guess I feel like this too, shyness is a self absorbed state of being. There is often an ‘extroverts are hard work’ line of thinking but at work for example, if I am in a team with shy people you often have to do some of their ‘load’ too because ‘you’re an extrovert’. Sorry - off topic- but I get what your little girl is thinking OP 😄

What if the child that she does not approve of is being abused? the shyness stems from that? . Teach your child to care for others not to be an entitled little brat. To hate someone because there shy? As a Generation X i have always noticed that popular kids turn out to be gossip mongers and bullies, your child is heading that way,

I wouldn't take a passing comment like that from a kid very seriously.

I understand both points.

Ask if she is saying “will you play with me?”
Perhaps suggest she changes her question to “may I play with you?” as it alters the dynamic on the part of the shy one.

I don't have kids so my advice might not be helpful but I do wonder if you could suggest that there's a difference between liking as in recognising that someone is ultimately a good, nice person not meaning to do any harm and liking as in enjoying someone's company. You can meet people whose company you don't really enjoy because they don't trigger positive emotions when you interact with them but it's not the same thing as disliking them. And it's important, if we're around these people who are good and decent but that we might not pick as our friends, to still make a little effort with them and to try and include them where we can. And hope they do the same with us so we can all get along and not cause each other distress even if we aren't cut out to be best friends.