The dilemma that won’t end

I tried this tonight and she protested that she is not needy. I just cannot get through to her. She admits she is very lonely, feels unloved but she apparently was not needy with any of her exes. Honestly, if she wasn’t my sister I wouldn’t put up with this 2 year cycle of her life falling to pieces with every break up. I fear she won’t change and won’t find happiness. I will be expected to carry her my entire life.

I know I sound harsh but honestly I’ve built my life and I can’t adopt her. She doesn’t see that she is so needy. I get she’s desperate but she won’t help herself. She just wants IN on my family. But he’s my family. I don’t need her buzzing around me wanting in on my house, my life, I need her to sort hers and she thinks she broken beyond repair.

I honestly think he housemate is not helping. She goes home to her parents every week almost. Lives in a beautiful huge immaculate mansion, which my sister has seen as she went round to get a key. I think it’s part of her demise recently.

I’m feeling quite overwhelmed. I hadn’t heard much from DS since Good Friday, but today she reached out to borrow some shoes for her holiday. I agreed, and when she asked to come by, I mentioned it would need to be after bedtime, as I had just picked up DC1 from nursery and was in the middle of dinner (DC1 wouldn’t eat) and needed to put both DCs to bed (2.5 + 6m). I had also arranged for a neighbour’s daughter to watch the house so I could finally take the dog out, as it had been too hot earlier in the day.

So we agreed she join me on the walk, which followed the advice here to meet outside the house.

During the walk, I asked if she was feeling any better since Good Friday. She said no, that she cries constantly, still thinks about her ex, and feels devastated that he broke up with her shortly after DF’s death. I pointed out it was four months later and asked if five would have made a difference. She said it was the way he did it. started crying again saying her mental health is in tatters.

I suggested she consider moving away for a fresh start. We went in circles about her ex. I asked if she noticed any patterns in her relationships or if she might be putting pressure on them, but she rejected that. I shared my own past breakup and how, in hindsight, I now see the warning signs and that they are almost always there. I encouraged her to look inward to identify what might be going wrong. I also told her that long-term relationships take effort. I have been with DH for 12 years, and it is really hard! She needs to find out why things aren’t working. Anything I said she argued with. Put pressure on ex because she never went home? No he wanted her there and said x y z, he could have told her to go. What about that he didn’t say he loved her for 2 years? She said he was like that with every gf and she didn’t care and he acted like he loved her. I said it must be confidence, can she talk to her therapist about why she can’t walk away from these guys? She said she didn’t need to. What about her ex before, she said he would binge drink and go out until 5am even mid week, yet she was desperate to get back with him. Why can’t she see the red flags? Why can’t she walk away? Why is she the one chasing them. She just doesn’t see it as a problem.

When we reached my street, I paused to wrap up, but she kept talking and then after a couple mins she asked to walk down my street. I wanted to avoid this as she is edging closer to my front door but I knew she wouldn’t be coming in. Outside, she started crying again, saying she has no family to hang out with. I reminded her not to take my boundaries as rejection. She said it was not about me. She said she misses Dad, hates Sundays, and feels she has no base. I reminded her that Dad was part of why our lives were so messy, he wasn’t that much of a nice guy, but she said she did not care. I said us not having a base isn’t going to change, Dad won’t come back and suggested she join expat groups and meet other Australians, Kiwis, or South Africans in London, there are 1000s and they don’t have family to hang out with on Sundays either m.
She insisted she has friends and I need to stop suggesting these things to her.

I told her honestly that I cannot take this on. It is not just one Sunday; it would be every Sunday and then during the week. She cried, “I just want to be loved,” and walked off crying.

So my peaceful dog walk turned into all of that. Earlier on the walk, I had told her I had been up since 5:30 a.m., still parenting at 7:30 p.m., no dinner yet, and DH was out for the night. Her response was, “If it makes you feel better, I have been up since 5:30 a.m.”

there is zero meet in the middle here. If I give an inch she takes a mile and I was really cold to her on that walk. I worry so much she will never find happiness because she refuses to see where she is going wrong, refuses to help herself.

I asked when she bumped into her ex the day before Good Friday who walked off first, she said he did. Again if she read that god damn book I keep telling her to, she would have walked off first; even against all her will. She feels rubbish because she doesn’t have boundaries with anyone, she lets them walk all over her and she doesn’t respect other people’s boundaries either. I’m so done with this. Part of me feels guilty and I’m genuinely concerned she might even do something stupid. The other part of me thinks I feel nothing and just need to walk away.

@Anonym00sewhat is the age gap between you and DB? Yes I’m older, the original post is long so you likely missed it but i am almost 8 years older.

My sister and I had very different childhoods, both difficult in their own ways. I had a lot to deal with from a young age. Our dad had money when we were little, so we went to private schools, but he lost everything when I was 13. He went bankrupt and was on trial for fraud. During that time, my mum who struggled with alcoholism and poor mental health regularly got drunk telling me and my brothers that Dad was going to prison and we’d end up in a hostel. There was even a for sale sign outside the house as creditors reposed his assets. She also frequently overdosed, and from the age of 12, I was the one who had to call an ambulance. She’d either tell me in person or slide a note under my door.

This forced me to grow up very fast. My mum’s chaos (breaking windows, screaming fits) made me hypervigilant and deeply intuitive. I became incredibly resourceful to survive, and made myself as small as possible at home. I even used to dig through waste paper bins for used tights at school because I was reliant on the corner shop having them and if they didn’t, I didn’t complain (had no one to complain to), I adapted. These survival skills shaped me.

Luckily the court believed that my Mum had paid for work on the house with money left my her Dad and they took pity on 4 children, my mums poor mental health and let us keep the house. This was some 3 years later after it had totally failed apart.

By the time my sister was school-age, things had changed. Dad had rebuilt some wealth and most of the house was renovated (lucky her having her school friends over; I could never invite anyone back to the health hazard house that was our falling to pieces house). I think out of guilt and excitement to have his wealth back, Dad spoiled her. She flew first class with him abroad, he even paid for her friends to fly with her, got designer bags and shoes, and even had a credit card. I had no idea this was happening while I was away at uni.

She grew up entitled, and I think after Dad lost his money again, she had still been mourning the loss of that lifestyle, maybe that’s why she racked up £12k in debt and refused to rent, moving home multiple times instead and putting out her hand to me.

At one point, I offered to pay off the final £1k of her debt, only if she paid the first £11k. I even offered to help her balance transfer to a 0% interest card, and said I’d take out a card in my name if her credit score was bad. She didn’t act on any of it until I chased her months later and it turned out her credit score was fine all along. She never paid the debt off, and I had to pull back once my own financial situation changed.

There have been countless moments like this: I’ve paid for spa days, fancy nights out, helped her after breakups (including letting her live with me rent-free for 5 weeks), and still she has the audacity to say “I need you to be a sister to me.” I fear this will be a lifelong expectation of hers, yet she does little to help herself.

@godsmessageyour grandmother had the right idea! Honestly if someone doesn’t know when to leave I get antsy. Someone once popped in for ‘a cuppa’ and when I politely offered accepted a 2nd and 3rd cup with no signs of going. I politely told them I needed to get on and didn’t invite them back.

@meganorksshe has a flat mate, she found the flat on spare room, although flat mate seems mainly busy. I think a busier house share would be a nice idea and best as their lease is up in July, however she is quite fussy so I fear that won’t happen.

at nearly 30 I understand she doesn’t want to be in some of the student style digs young professionals move to London and accept but I’m sure if she put the work in she would find somewhere.

it doesn’t help ex bf owned his own flat and renovated it with promises she could officially move in then he told her to pack up and leave. The guy was a coward and horrible for leading her on. She must also recognise proudly declaring ‘I’ve not been home in months’ speaking of our old family home isn’t something to be proud of when he clearly wasn’t on board and ended it a week or two later. Ex bf before that subsidised most of the rent and she loved that flat. So her standards are quite high, even her flat mate now has the bigger room with in en suite and lived there first so also pays more rent, so she has a nice flat in a nice location.

honestly, when I moved to London I was in ex local authority flat with two friends, didn’t know any different, was just so excited to be in the city and working and at 26 it was a dream to me. She has made life very complicated and difficult, being in so much debt doesn’t help when she has had every opp to pay it off (see my first thread on that). Dad’s death and the sale of house will clear that but I don’t trust her not to run out of money by the time she’s 40. My biggest fear is her expecting me to carry her through life.

@Minglingpringleadmittedly between a lot of errrs and ummms and hesitation when she called to come round when she locked herself out I said ‘ok’ whilst she was selling to me why she should come round ‘I will stay out your way’ etc. when I called back to say no point coming it’s too close to our meet time anyway, she insisted she just wants to walk to my house and we walk together so I said ok, then I said you literally need to stand outside. In hindsight a firm ‘no’ would have been best, I thought a low commital 30 min might be acceptable but it doesn’t stop there…. I’m hoping this week she leaves me alone.

@EJ2she does work. 5 days. It’s evenings and weekends she calls on me. The more I think about it, if she can’t even be bothered to read a simple book about simple dating laws of attraction like not being too available or any kind of literature about how to move on from a break up, like I did at 21, then she can’t keep putting out her hand. I’ve had enough! My childhood was worse than hers (7.5 year age gap) and I saved me. No one saved me. She ‘needs’ me because it’s convenient. She won’t help herself, if she did then there wouldn’t have been waterworks when she bumped into her ex. Again, I wouldn’t have moved onto my exes doorstep! The book would say disappear.

@EJ2i’d say on paper she is busy enough and has a few friends but has fallen out with entire friendship groups one by one. There’s hardly any left. One silver lining is she has stopped drinking as that was a whole other rollercoaster for her, and she exercises most days. Just on Friday she had 3 plans in one day but it wasn’t enough.

Yet she still couldn’t fathom the thought of pottering around the high street for 30 min when locked out.

The neediness is not a new thing which is why she is permanently in a relationship, so she is never on her own. She really needs to work through it this time.

Even after our lunch, DH walked down with DCs to get ice cream, then I took them to the park while he went home to get dinner on. Dsis came with me and when we said our goodbyes, we would have headed in different directions but she asked if I could walk the long way home to go her way and drop her off (it was 4.30pm) not dark. Given I had a toddler on the step, baby in pram and dog plus chaotic 5-7pm to get home to, I agreed. It’s just never enough.

Three plans in a day, not enough. Spending 3.5 hours with her, even through the tears, not enough, she wants me to walk in a different direction to accompany her. It’s needy beyond belief but also tone deaf, I just wanted to get my hungry toddler home.

@CoraPirbrightit has not been sold, thanks for checking, we’ve had a few set backs but well on the way there. I doubt she will but i have said to her before I have concerns she will be 40 and still turning up at my door for a place to stay if she doesn’t manage her money better.

re fixing herself, she’s quick to put out her hand but rarely takes any advice.

I’ve been through similar trauma, the same dysfunctional family, deep loneliness, and I pulled myself out. She wants to enjoy the results of all that work, my stable home, my confidence, my kind husband but she’s not willing to do the work herself.

When I was 18 I went through an incredibly turbulent time, wouldn’t wish it on anyone and slowly pulled myself out but developed bad relationships habits, only to hit rock bottom in 2009 at 21 when my heart was shattered by bf who broke up with me. No one saved me, I turned to Google, read everything I could, and found tools that helped. I read famous dating book, ‘The Rules’ and an ebook about breakups that both taught core principles like not being overly available to anyone romantic, tips like ending calls or dates first to leave them wanting a bit more. Most importantly, it said if someone breaks up with you, just agree. Take back the power. I’d been in floods of tears when it happened and panicked I’d ruined it, so when I next saw him, I held my chin up and told him how much I agreed with the decision and then each time we saw one another I kept it short and sweet and walked off first.

Everything against my instinct but guess what, I felt so much more confident for it and the kicker was, a few months later, he came crawling back. It was the turning point for me that gave me a small win and the confidence boost I so needed! That period in my life changed everything, fake it till you make it, educate yourself and don’t be a victim.

It’s taken 15 years and honestly my children to heal me and in the meantime I navigated mainly healthy friendships (a new thing for me then), met DH 4 years after that rock bottom time, and a successful career followed after that. It’s all fallen into place piece by piece; even though at times, I am still broken inside. It’s a non stop work in progress.

She won’t talk to me about what happened when she saw her ex Thursday but I’m going to hazard a guess she got upset. She had not stopped crying all of Friday morning and throughout lunch.

I’ve told her for 3 years+ to read The Rules. Told her it changed my life! She’s gone through two breakups in that time, both of which ended up breaking her and in turn, becoming my problem, and she still hasn’t read it. On Friday, I suggested it yet again, she protested she wasn’t needy with her ex. Just refuses to read it, or anything. She was definitely overbearing to him, she parked herself at his for months. He asked for space and that was that. I also told her to look up emotional intelligence many times but she won’t look into that either.

The tears on Friday felt like her hitting a wall, a mix of loneliness, losing control, and feeling sorry for herself, but still not recognising her own neediness. I really think she needs a psychologist to help her understand why she struggles with emotional boundaries, intuition, and self-awareness. If something doesn’t fit, she just pushes harder.

@Trashpalacereally well written and measured advice, that’s exactly the approach I’ve decided to take as plan A. I’ve tried having her round to help, and while she means well, it quickly spirals. She overstays until bedtime and give it a day or two, she asks to come round again and will call me everyday in between for menial reasons. It becomes a cycle I just can’t sustain. Her loneliness won’t be cured by me, I’m just a quick fix hit for her and she needs plenty of them. She needs to take action herself to fix herself long term..

I’m so glad you wrote that @Pashazadebecause that is my plan B to cut the apron strings. Seems words are falling somewhat on deaf ears.