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Original poster

Have i just done controlled crying or cry it out?I feel sick

58 replies

CanIpetthatdoge · 18/04/2025 20:18

Baby is 9 months old. Last couple of months has been a nightmare, waking every 20-30 mins crying, needing dummy put back in or general comfort. I’ve tried co sleeping and even holding him in my arms all night but that hasn’t worked. I’m at the point where I physically can’t do it anymore, I am completely run down, getting ill all the time, today I’ve got an eye infection of all things.
baby goes down fine in cot during day for naps but at night it’s a different story. Tonight I put him to bed and let him cry, I didn’t leave the room, I sat next to the cot and soothed him, put his dummy in, stroked his hair, sang to him, gave him his teddy etc but he still cried but I didn’t get him out. He didn’t cry the whole time, he did have periods where he was quiet. He’s gone to sleep now and I’m crying, have I just done cry it out? I always swore I could never just let my baby cry but now I’ve done it and he probably wonders why I’m being so horrible all of a sudden. I feel sick.
my husband does do some nights but we have an autistic older son who struggles with sleep too so our focus is normally on one child each at bedtimes. He does give me a ‘lay in’ in the mornings as he starts work later but it’s only a few hours and not enough for me to recover.

OP posts:
Forevertiredmam · 18/04/2025 23:03

You sound like a really caring mum that comforted your child to sleep, what you did was definitely not leaving your child to cry it out.
Sometimes all you can do is just be present and comfort them as they cry, which feels awful for us but they’ll feel safe as you’re there with them too.
This has happened quite a few times with my daughter especially when overtired.

DirtyAnimal · 18/04/2025 22:57

Hankunamatata · 18/04/2025 20:27

No you were lovely and kind and reassuring and there for him.

I had one who basically whinged or cried going to sleep. I didn't twigged what is was until I was really sick one evening and couldn't get back to the bedroom from the bathroom for 10 mins. Little sod was sound asleep. If he woke later i gave him 5 mins and he grumbled himself back to sleep. I now wonder if I was was intervening too soon and he hadn't learned to sleep himself.

He squared for about 5 mins going to sleep until he was about 2.

We had similar with DS! A very grumbly, snuggly little bean. We were in a 2 bed house with a toddler plus baby. He woke us before he was really awake himself through the night. He would wake up, grumble, snuffle then self settle back to sleep, but often we’d be awake and ready with a feed etc that he didn’t really need (but we thought he did) so for quite a while me and DH slept on a sofa each to give DS his own space to self settle. Not CIO, not CC, but a little bit of sleep training for us all!

OP, you absolutely haven’t let your baby CIO. You’ve stayed close for comfort but allowed baby to settle themselves. You need sleep too and this is the way to help you and baby get a good rest.

DisappearingGirl · 18/04/2025 22:51

We did something similar with both of ours. They do cry when they are tired and learning to self settle. It gets better. They are 10 and 13 now and perfectly well adjusted kids.

I firmly believe a bit of sleep training is massively less harmful, both physically and psychologically, than the whole family being completely sleep deprived for months or years.

Middleagedstriker · 18/04/2025 22:49

Groundhogday2025 · 18/04/2025 21:17

Waking that frequently I’d definitely be going to the GP or at the very least trying calpol or ibuprofen before bed first. It could be pain or discomfort (maybe teeth),

Or autism as with my son.
Op I accidentally did CIO with ds1 at 10 months as he had woken every fucking 20 minutes for 4 months and I was literally insane. I slept and couldn't get out of bed one night. I was almost hallucinating with tiredness and DH was working nights.. He cried for about 20 minutes. He then went to sleep all night for the first time in months. The next night I deliberately left him and he was as sleep after 10 mins of crying. The next night about 5 mins. He the nSlept through. I was such a better parent during the day. I stopped feeling guilty when I realised I was far more attentive to him than the poor parents being kept awake every night were. He is a wonder, well adjusted adult now!

notwavingbutsinking · 18/04/2025 22:47

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 18/04/2025 20:24

Sounds like some form of sleep training...?

Which is fine!!
2-3 more nights and your baby will start doing blocks.

Our DS cried his head off the first night at 10m...he did his first full night EVER.
By day 3 he cried for under 5 mins amd went to sleep and we were getting 7-7 - i refsined my sanity immediately!!!

I put him down tonight and start to finish was under 5 mins and small grumble and off to sleep... he's been like that fairly reliably since we trained...

Self soothing It's a skill...

Also you sound like a woman on the edge ie you need sleep. There is nothing wrong with.what you've done

Edited

We had a very similar experience - we went from waking every hour throughout the night to 7-7 within just a few days. It was transformational and I have absolutely zero regrets, despite starting out as a fanatical attachment parent.

The biggest impact was on DS, who went from being a miserable baby to being a happy baby. The change was so dramatic that I actually felt guilty for not sleep training earlier.

Original poster
CanIpetthatdoge · 18/04/2025 22:42

Thank you for all of the kind words. I’ve had another big cry, I really feel it’s habit waking and he did used to self soothe in the next to me but then he stopped even when he was right next to me/my hand on him etc so we moved him into the cot in case it was a space issue and he wasn’t comfortable but it’s continued.
im Trying to ignore the comment saying I’m abusive because I really could throw myself into the Thames sometimes the way I feel about parenting and it being so hard. I want to do my best and the guilt is all encompassing not just for my baby but for my eldest too. I had an awful childhood and I want my children to be ok all the time

I’ve had a bath and a rest and my husband is going to do the night tonight as it’s Saturday tomorrow x

OP posts:
Original poster
CanIpetthatdoge · 18/04/2025 22:37

He has a big feed before bed and then either 1 or 2 feeds overnight, I always know when he’s hungry.
i also have been giving analgesia when I know he’s teething or under the weather but he’s been waking up even when he’s not suffering with that.

OP posts:
Minglingpringle · 18/04/2025 22:12

Could he be hungry?

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/04/2025 21:52

You did a form of sleep training but it wasn't controlled crying or crying it out. You have done nothing wrong, there's no reason for a 9 month old to be waking every 20-30 minutes other than habit. It is unhealthy for the both of you to be awake so often.

If it worked and he dropped off eventually, keep it up.

OhHellolittleone · 18/04/2025 21:44

Gustavo77 · 18/04/2025 21:32

"Controlled" crying is abusive, end of story. A baby isn't capable of manipulation and 9 months is the age that they begin to realise that they're their own person and separate from the parent so it's a scary and unsettling time for them.

They give it a pseudo scientific name to excuse the fact that they are recommending letting a child cry itself to sleep which is inexcusable. My eldest was a nightmare sleep wise so much so that we ended up at a sleep clinic. They did NOT recommend "controlled" crying because it's not a thing. Parents are teaching their children that they can cry their hearts out and no one is coming to help. It's appalling.

🙄

Bobbybobbins · 18/04/2025 21:38

We did similar to you OP and after 3 nights with some crying, both our DS could then self-settle and went to waking up once in the night for a drink which then dropped off at 18 months.

We also soothed and didn’t leave them. You need to be consistent now though. It isn’t the easiest but ultimately everyone needs to sleep including your DS and I think 9 months is a good age for it. All the best.

Gustavo77 · 18/04/2025 21:32

"Controlled" crying is abusive, end of story. A baby isn't capable of manipulation and 9 months is the age that they begin to realise that they're their own person and separate from the parent so it's a scary and unsettling time for them.

They give it a pseudo scientific name to excuse the fact that they are recommending letting a child cry itself to sleep which is inexcusable. My eldest was a nightmare sleep wise so much so that we ended up at a sleep clinic. They did NOT recommend "controlled" crying because it's not a thing. Parents are teaching their children that they can cry their hearts out and no one is coming to help. It's appalling.

Groundhogday2025 · 18/04/2025 21:17

Waking that frequently I’d definitely be going to the GP or at the very least trying calpol or ibuprofen before bed first. It could be pain or discomfort (maybe teeth),

JLou08 · 18/04/2025 21:10

No, you didn't. You were next to him and trying to sooth him the best you could at that time. Please don't be hard on yourself, you've done nothing wrong. I hope you feel better soon.

RedHelenB · 18/04/2025 21:10

Babies cry. I think modern mothers are crackers in their reaction to it. Baby cries, settles and sleeps. And if it s hungry or un comfy later on, it will wake and cry and an adult can go in to check what's wrong before putting them down again..By 9 months a baby should be sleeping through more or less.

TheLibraryIsOpen1 · 18/04/2025 21:05

My daughter tried the old fashioned 'egg in a sock' for her child. It worked for him. Maybe give it a go?

DameSylvieKrin · 18/04/2025 20:58

You’ve done the gradual retreat and it sounds like it worked. Please don’t feel bad and consider doing it again tomorrow. The baby will also sleep better that way.

NewBoyMama · 18/04/2025 20:58

You absolutely did the best for you and your baby there, well done!
Now if you can, get yourself to bed and try to get some rest xx

ramonaqueenbee · 18/04/2025 20:48

You say in your madness you thought of this, but actually you followed your instinct about what he needed and you did exactly the right thing at the right time in his development. You know it was the right time because it worked and he slept with your reassuring presence next to him. Well done. Get some rest yourself now.

RubyFlewToo · 18/04/2025 20:42

I did something similar and think it was called a gradual withdrawal method… you’ve definitely been very gentle and your baby knew you were there as you were soothing any reassuring him so you haven’t possibly caused any trauma.

perhaps a bit of your tears is relief that it’s worked? You really need to try and sleep if you can now that he is! x

Merryoldgoat · 18/04/2025 20:33

I’m firmly against CIO and CC and what you did isn’t that. You stayed and comforted him. It’s a big difference.

Original poster
CanIpetthatdoge · 18/04/2025 20:31

Thank you for all the kind words. I said to my husband today lots of people have babies so why can’t I cope with it, but I think the sleep deprivation has driven me to near madness

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 18/04/2025 20:27

No you were lovely and kind and reassuring and there for him.

I had one who basically whinged or cried going to sleep. I didn't twigged what is was until I was really sick one evening and couldn't get back to the bedroom from the bathroom for 10 mins. Little sod was sound asleep. If he woke later i gave him 5 mins and he grumbled himself back to sleep. I now wonder if I was was intervening too soon and he hadn't learned to sleep himself.

He squared for about 5 mins going to sleep until he was about 2.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 18/04/2025 20:27

You've done everything right OP. Keep doing it every night and I hope you start get some proper sleep.

Original poster
CanIpetthatdoge · 18/04/2025 20:27

Thank you, I’m crying even more now. I love him so much and I want him to know I’m there but I can’t do much more. I figured in my madness maybe it would be ok to soothe him in his bed but not get him out, so he knows it’s bedtime. Like I said I’ve tried co sleeping but he doesn’t seem to want that.

i haven’t been to the gp, my eldest is autistic and his sleep was non existent as a baby and he was inconsolable but they weren’t interested (obviously not sure if this baby has autism but they are different babies and the sleep issues appear to be different so who knows)

OP posts: