Have i just done controlled crying or cry it out?I feel sick

Did you read the actual post or just see “controlled crying” in the title and churn out your standard response?

OP I honestly can’t see anything wrong with your approach, you were right there with your baby, he knew he hadn’t been abandoned.

i’m glad you had a better night last night, sometimes as a mother you have to make sure your own basic needs are met otherwise you’re no good to your children!

Being able to self soothe is a huge asset which lasts a lifetime. Some babies are naturally good at it. Others need a bit of help to learn how to do it. Others need more help to learn how to do it.

You've helped him learn how to do it - you're a great mum.

Think of it this way. Going to him every 20-30 mins to comfort him wasn't really very comforting because he only got a tiny bit of sleep before waking and crying again. Teaching him to self soothe has been much more comforting. He needs a good night's sleep and so do you!

Hi OP, We did as you have. I was ill with a high temperature and reached that "fuck it" stage. Like you, we stayed with him for the first night and he screamed for 7 hours, with just a 2 minute break in the middle. It was awful. The second night involved an hour of fussing and the third night was a whimper, and that was it! He learned to sleep.

Best of luck. This will have helped you and your older son too.

He was probably still waking but he had learnt that you wouldn't respond so stayed quiet.

Don’t beat yourself up. It’s so hard when they don’t sleep.
You stayed with him, you didn’t abandon him. He knows that he is loved.

I did sleep training with my 10 month old (I used a Sleep Consultant) and me and DH used controlled crying. This involved us putting him to bed and when he was upset we went in at intervals of 2, 4, 6, 8 minutes, and then leaving it 8 minutes each time until he went to sleep. If he woke during the night we did the same thing.

The first night was very, very hard and I was in tears a lot but I had been warned I would do that.

The second night was very similar but the 3rd night was easier and he went to seep quicker, and the same for the 4th and 5th night.

He was still having night time wake-ups during this time but again, they were less frequent and lasted for shorter periods of time with each night that passed.

By day 7 he was self-settling to sleep as soon as we put him in his cot at night, and sleeping through for 11 hours. He was also self-settling in his cot for his daytime naps.

Like I said, it was a tough week at times but ultimately it was the best thing for us as a family.

As others have said you have done some sleep training GGT

Gentle gradual retreat

you are there whole time

cc and cio you leave the room

you did nothing wrong

you need sleep just as baby does

a few nights of this and should get easier

sometimes worth getting rid of the dummy if they wake when comes out

No cry it out is leaving the room.

You stayed with him for comfort - you did fine.

You do need sleep too, and some sleep training is required.

A PP said controlled crying is abusive and you are categorically NOT doing that.
It seems like that poster meant to criticise the use of controlled crying. It could have been clearer but I don't think they intended it to come across as critical of you - just the practice of CC generally.

What you are doing sounds lovely and supportive. You're being present for your baby when they are learning this new skill.

This is a deeply unhelpful post when op is struggling so much.
It's clear that op didn't do controlled crying, she sat by her baby and soothed and comforted him. Baby knew she was there and helping him the whole time.

I’m personally really happy to see this thread OP as I’ve done exactly the same thing and have always wondered if I went into the realms of CIO (I really didn’t want to do this), but when my boy was a similar age he would cry in the cot and I never once left, I would stay with him, stroke his back or his head and pass his dummy back to him when needed. Fast forward (he’s now 16 months) and he’s the most content, happy, giggly baby who consistently sleeps through naps and bedtime and always wakes up well rested (as do I and his dad!) and I always think he might not have got to this stage had we constantly taken him in and out the cot. Please don’t be upset I think this is going to make for a very happy baby and mother!

Oh sweetheart you sound like a lovely caring mother.
Please stop thinking that you are bad at parenting.
You're exhausted ,I hope tonight is easier and you can get some rest.
All this will pass and you will get through it.
🌹💐💐🌸🌺🌼💐

OP was there, perhaps bother to read posts before condescendingly wading in with judgement:

I didn’t leave the room, I sat next to the cot and soothed him, put his dummy in, stroked his hair, sang to him, gave him his teddy etc

We ended up ditching the dummy when ds was about 1 as it kept waking him. We did same as you to get ds ti sleep

It’s fine OP - entirely reasonable, not worth crying about, you didn’t abandon your baby, and sometimes you do just need to leave them for 10 mins to get your act together/ calm down, and that’s ok too. Have a good sleep - tomorrow is another day!

Honestly this is exactly what I did when getting my son used to sleeping his own room. He'd been sleeping absolutely fine in his crib in our room and we'd gotten him used to daytime naps in his own room but going down for the night in his own room was another story. He was so upset every time we put him in his cot and even if we put him in asleep he'd instantly wake up crying. We'd just sit on the floor next to the cot and smile at him and stroke him until he soothed himself and eventually fell asleep. It's not like we left him alone in a dark room and he knew we were there the whole time and he could feel us stroking him so I've never considered it cry it out or whatever. After 2 weeks he was absolutely fine with us leaving the room and has been an amazing sleeper since.

Oh forgot to say. Do not pick him back up unless you plan to give up on sleep training. If you let him cry for a while then give in and pick him up you are teaching he just has to cry long enough to get you to pick him up. Trying and giving up on sleep training generally makes it worse. Better to not do it at all than give up after just a couple nights

You did good.

The method you used is called phased retreat mixed with sush pat. I work in early years and recommend doing exactly what you did whenever I’m asked advice on this.

tom make sure you are next to him exactly like you did tonight and if there isn’t significant improvement after 5 days go back to the GP and demand investigation.

should get improvement after just a couple nights but advise is always give it 5 days that I’ve read. Then stop the sush patting or make it intermittent (likely can do less of that tomorrow use your judgment). Then when just your presence is enough to stop the screaming move a meter or two away, then in the doorway then if you really need the next step sit outside the room out of sight so you can be heard sushing to make him feel safe when he cries (he will probably grumble and winge you can tell when he’s really distressed you just go back a phase). This is all worst case, you will know when your baby is ready for the next step by the type of cry so go at that pace. Most babies will take 3-5 days.

I acknowledge nurodivergent kids do take longer and need more comfort- but you tried co-sleeping so this a completely reasonable option because baby needs a sane and functioning mother as well as decent sleep for his own development.

if you hadn’t already done one night I might have said try a night with the light on mimic the day time nap conditions that work. But then you will be stuck sleeping with the light on and having to train out of that so having done the first night stick with what you did.

This isn't cry it out, OP, but even if it was, it will be okay.

Contrary to what some people think, it is not abusive and it will not permanently damage your baby if they have a couple of instances where they are left to cry. Sometimes you have to do what you need to do. If a mothers mental health is at risk due to sleep deprivation and CIO is the only thing that's working, it's fine. Not ideal, but fine. Better a well rested mother who can be otherwise loving and responsive than a depressed, sleep deprived mother who is struggling and can't care for her baby properly.

Ignore the nasty comment OP... There is always one. You weren't doing CIO anyway. You were there, stroking and reassuring your baby. It sounds like it was just what he needed.

Also, worth remembering that some babies actually cry as a way of self-soothing. One of my 4 babies was like this. He would cry before he fell asleep, without fail, whether he was in the cot or in my arms, no matter whether I rocked him, sang, etc. He would just cry (not frantically) for a few minutes before sleep. Some babies do it to disengage from the world and self-soothe.

Exactly. Cry it out is giving them the impression you aren’t there or are not responsive.

All you’ve done is not given him his own way. You were present. You were comforting.

This comes from me as a believer that cry it out creates emotionally unresponsive adults.

OP what you've described us exactly what we were told to do with our babies 30+ years ago. It worked perfectly well and we had our evenings to ourselves.

My daughter is beyond exhausted keeping her LO downstairs until he falls asleep sometimes 10.30. I fail to see how that's progress from what I did.

I used that two for both of mine. It worked.