‘D’ H really upset me regarding wedding pics and not looking the like the same person anymore

It sounds like he is deliberately being cruel to damage your self esteem precisely because you are taking so many positive steps to improve your health and self -confidence. He doesn’t want you to realise that actually you are a healthy, fit, attractive woman who doesn’t have to put up with a sly, nasty husband.

I agree with the PP who said that ‘cruel’ is not a word that should describe the person who is supposed to love you most.

As you have explained it, OP, your husband used something he knows you are sensitive about, worried about, and striving to change, as a weapon against you. He knew his words would wound. He tried to get your family to join in hurting you. And will no doubt tell you that you are over reacting.

Can you live with that?

This. He has no respect for you to say what he did and laugh like that. This was not a healthy mutual loving interaction of reminiscing about life changes

Came to say this, although BlueTitShark said it far more eloquently than I could.

You deserve to do the things that bring you joy and be with someone who values you and treats you like a princess every single day, however you look. You don’t need to change to be worthy of love and kindness.

Your husband on the other hand needs to up his game massively to deserve you given his behaviour.

I miss my dad too

It can but it doesn’t necessarily. However, as my response showed, I absolutely wasn’t endorsing the spirit of that comment which was unpleasant and unnecessary.

@oilump You should’ve replied (in your best Patsy Stone voice): “Emphasis on ‘was’, darling, because of course I’m now a queen” 😉

It was possibly his (unfunny) attempt to wind you up. What men don’t realise is that no self-respecting woman:

• wants to look like a ‘princess’
• cares what men think about her looks - only herself
• believes her looks are the most important thing about her
• is attracted to men who are insensitive, charmless or make jokes to put her down

Keep working on your self-respect, OP. It’s important to be fit and healthy. But find time for friendships and fun. Believe me, when you’re older you don’t look back and think “didn’t my nails/waist/hair/arse/lips look great”. You look back at all the great times you’ve had with people, all the places you’ve been and all the things you’ve achieved.

Quite. Even men and their daughters.
So sorry op.

None of us were the same person 7 years after our wedding day. You gave him 2 fab children and built a home and life for you all. He needs the gift of you being scarce for a while if you can manage it at all... let him lift some of the child rearing duties and see how he feels. You do not need to be with someone who is so nasty, and he is not a positive role model for your children.

Huh? You've really confused me!
I always say the bride is a princess for the day when we see weddings, or when my kids were little and would look at our wedding pics, I would always say I was princess. Why is this negative?

Have you changed personality wise? That's more likely the big shift we go through as we have kids and take on family responsibilities because we lose ourselves. We come last.

You say you hate yourself. My challenge is if you hate yourself how can anyone love you?

Please work on you. Build yourself back up to how you were. Love yourself and life becomes so much better.

As for your DH, what he said was cruel and unnecessary. He's telling you that how you look means something to him, maybe more than you being a good mother etc. He might not fancy you anymore - but whatever the cause, his needs are not being met because you look like you do. Some men are shallow. You married a shallow man :(

You need to work on you irrespective. Good luck x

Wow. If my DH said this, I couldn't stay with him. A BF once did this to me and I dumped and blocked him that day (easier when you're not married to and parenting with them!). Your DH can't have said it for any other reason than to upset you or (stupidly) to try and motivate you to work on your appearance. You've said you're already working on losing weight and put effort into your appearance and he knows it so he must've been trying to upset you.

I'd have a think about if you think he still actually loves and respects you from what he is showing you in his words and actions. Then I'd have a talk to him about it, ask him why he was being mean about something he knows you're sensitive about. Don't accept any disingenuous answers about it being a joke. He knows you're sensitive about it and did multiple digs. A marriage shouldn't be partners finding opportunities to make each other feel bad but finding opportunities to make each other feel good.

After reading your posts about how you've recently lost a lot of weight and so on, I felt like your husband might actually be threatened by that and not even sure how to deal with those feelings himself, resulting in the weird "jokey" comments.

If so, I think it's pretty common for a spouse to have trouble with their partner suddenly making a big, positive change. While on the one hand, they're probably very proud and happy for their spouse, it also does change the equilibrium of the relationship, or whatever you'd call it. Maybe at the bottom of it, he fears the changes you're accomplishing might attract someone "better" and that you'll leave him behind.

That’s not what those two posters were talking about. Not about ‘not letting yourself go’ and getting the right skin care/hairdresser/clothes etc…

It’s about YOU.
What do YOU like doing? Do you take time to relax? What makes you feel good about yourself, not what makes you look good in the eyes of other people.
Its about putting boundaries and treating yourself as kindly as you’d treat others.
You deserve to have someone, YOU, who’s talking nicely and kindly about yourself. Esp as your dh is clearly unable to do so.

Someone has suggested he feels threatened by your self-improvement. I think they've hit the nail right on the head. I lost a ton of weight about ten years ago, and my then-husband got incredibly weird about it. He was never very pleasant, but he got worse as I was getting better, if that makes sense.

Is this what yours is doing?

Some of the things I read are awful but women can be just as bad to men but it's seen as acceptable....

"come and look at when mummy thought Daddy was a nice person‘

"Come and look at when daddy had more hair".

"Better make sure you have no kids with you'd next wife, eh".

Would have been appropriate responses.

He's a nasty little fucker.

So on the one hand he says you're too focused on how you look and on the other hand he's making jibes about how your appearance has changed. He can't have it both ways and criticise you on both counts. Sounds like a nasty dig designed to hit you where he knows it hurts.

He needs a slap and your Dad should have done it.

Bless you - that was very unkind of him.

I would be furious. It’s not easy to lose weight after 2 pregnancies.

It’s not bollocks - I’ve seen it happening to people who aren’t prescribed it and buy it unlicensed. If it’s guided by a doctor then fine. Otherwise, no.

I'm not saying it's the same!

It's not uncommon for fathers to manage to maintain their pre-parenthood physique not only because they didn't have to be pregnant/have the baby/breastfeed but because their lifestyle doesn't change so much - they still get to cycle to/from work or go to the gym at lunchtime or play football after work. And buy healthy prepared food while out and about at work. And have less interrupted sleep which helps avoid carb cravings.

I wondered if this applied to OP's husband, or if he's also changed shape in which case he's a hypocrite as well as a mean man.

He is shallow. One thing if he kept coming up to you, like my sister's husband, was coming up to her and pleading with her - please lose weight, please lose weight, if you die I don't know what I shall do without you. She is chubby, but healthy, but her dh keeps checking on her at night (!!!!) when he thinks she is not breathing (wtaf?). I think he is not well in the head and is genuinely worried he won't cope if she dies (she does everything for him and her dc). But this behaviour shows he is only concerned with your appearance. A shallow, stupid man.

Is he secretly a bit pissed off that you've been losing the weight? Some people feel very threatened when their partner actually starts looking after themselves and losing weight. My friend had this with her ex. As soon as she started the gym and lost weight and felt good about herself it was an issue. Lots of underhand "funny" comments about her looks and gym routine and still being fat etc.

Your DH is trying to undermine you and is a cruel individual. Chances are he sees you dropping weight and becoming happier and more confident in yourself and he wants to put you back in your box and dent your self-esteem.

Honestly, if my DH said that to me, there would be no going back from it. It would be relationship over. No apology could fix it.