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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have made ex bring DC home?

135 replies

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:14

NC for this. Apologies, it’s long.

Ex and I have 2 DC, he left shortly after youngest was born. The split has been acrimonious. We live in very close proximity to my former in laws, so see them out and about occasionally. DD has a close relationship with all of them, sees them all the time and has grown up visiting their homes etc.

My DD is 4. Since I split with her dad, whenever we pass ex-BIL in the street, he flat out ignores her. He was on the pavement approaching us once and turned his whole body away from her to avoid acknowledging us. She will call after him more than once and he’ll ignore her, because she’s with me. This has led to tears from her on multiple occasions.

I get that this is because he has a problem with me, but I’m not the one being hurt by this. I’ve told her that her uncle has problems that mean he’s too scared to speak to people outside of his house, as I didn’t want to drag her into adult situations.

I’ve spoken to my ex about this so many times, and he refuses to acknowledge there’s a problem. So in the end I told him that his brother needs to choose, either he has a relationship with DC or he doesn’t, but this is upsetting and confusing for them. She just sees it as her uncle not speaking to her and it makes her cry.

Back to today - I asked ex if he wanted to spend the bank holiday with DC. He said yes, came to collect them and then took them to his brother’s. After they’d gone I got so angry with this whole situation I texted to ask him to either give me a solution to this problem or bring DC back (it’s technically my time with them today). 10 mins later he’s at the door, pounding on it aggressively while DD is crying in his arms. He dropped DC in the house, told me I’m a twat and left. He’s since text me saying I’m a nasty little twat, telling me to fuck off, etc etc. I said he should be sticking up for his children, that means not just passively standing by while someone willingly upsets them.

WWYD here? I can’t just stand by and let my DC be all happy and close with someone who tomorrow could be upsetting them and making them cry again. AIBU?

OP posts:
FoxRedPuppy · 18/04/2025 13:26

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:25

He could’ve spent the day with her. His family are all going out, so he was only taking her there for an hour or so then was supposed to take her to the park. He still could’ve spent the rest of the day with her but he threw a tantrum about his brother and chose to bring her home and storm off.

Show quote history

Tbf I wouldn’t storm off, but I’d be really pissed off of my ex behaved like you did. No wonder it is acrimonious

FoxRedPuppy · 18/04/2025 13:26

Total overreaction. Regardless of BIL behaviour you need to be the bigger person for your DC. Making him bring them home was bonkers.

Original poster
KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:25

MummaMummaMumma · 18/04/2025 13:23

You told her she could spend the day with daddy, the changed your mind. Whatever your reasons, that's cruel to your child.

He could’ve spent the day with her. His family are all going out, so he was only taking her there for an hour or so then was supposed to take her to the park. He still could’ve spent the rest of the day with her but he threw a tantrum about his brother and chose to bring her home and storm off.

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 18/04/2025 13:24

First post nails it really. BIL is a bit of a twat, but if she was having fun with him, it was a really bad idea to drag her away. Now she's going to think she was doing something wrong. None of this is her fault. There was no reason to force her dad to bring her back to you. And you're going to have to learn that when she's with him, he makes the parental decisions. You're not always going to agree with them, but he has the right to decide who she see when she's with him.

HuffleMyPuffle · 18/04/2025 13:24

Your BIL is a dick but letting the DC go and see their dad and then kicking off and demanding he brings them back, regardless of what they were doing, wasn't fair either

Katemax82 · 18/04/2025 13:24

Mayflyoff · 18/04/2025 13:19

I think you have conflated two things. Yes, your bil should acknowledge your DD when he sees her. But offering your ex an extra day and then making him bring them back is cruel to your DC.

Edited

She made him bring them back because he went to his brothers house??

Original poster
KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:23

Thanks. I get what you’re both saying but he didn’t need to let her catch on to what was going on today. He could’ve just brought her back as though she was popping round, she didn’t know it was a whole day plan. I have asked him multiple times to sort this out, and to not take her round if this is going to continue.

We see him a lot. Think next street over. Genuine question, not arguing, you think at 4 it’s ok to start telling her that her family members all dislike one another?

OP posts:
MummaMummaMumma · 18/04/2025 13:23

You told her she could spend the day with daddy, the changed your mind. Whatever your reasons, that's cruel to your child.

Dollshousedolly · 18/04/2025 13:19

I’d say you want to cop on a bit also. Think about it, asking your ex if he’d like to see his DD today, he collects her, then you phone up demanding he bring your DD home if he doesn’t sort out a difficult situation in the spot. You were the cause of your daughter being upset today.

You need to explain to your DD that’s it upsetting when she’s ignored in the street but it’s NOT her fault, he just doesn’t like you or want to talk to you but he loves seeing her when she’s with her Dad. How often do you meet him when out and about anyway ? Are you sure this isn’t more to do with your own feelings than your DD’s ?

You can’t dictate who your DD sees while she’s with her Dad.

Mayflyoff · 18/04/2025 13:19

I think you have conflated two things. Yes, your bil should acknowledge your DD when he sees her. But offering your ex an extra day and then making him bring them back is cruel to your DC.