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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made ex bring DC home?

135 replies

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:14

NC for this. Apologies, it’s long.

Ex and I have 2 DC, he left shortly after youngest was born. The split has been acrimonious. We live in very close proximity to my former in laws, so see them out and about occasionally. DD has a close relationship with all of them, sees them all the time and has grown up visiting their homes etc.

My DD is 4. Since I split with her dad, whenever we pass ex-BIL in the street, he flat out ignores her. He was on the pavement approaching us once and turned his whole body away from her to avoid acknowledging us. She will call after him more than once and he’ll ignore her, because she’s with me. This has led to tears from her on multiple occasions.

I get that this is because he has a problem with me, but I’m not the one being hurt by this. I’ve told her that her uncle has problems that mean he’s too scared to speak to people outside of his house, as I didn’t want to drag her into adult situations.

I’ve spoken to my ex about this so many times, and he refuses to acknowledge there’s a problem. So in the end I told him that his brother needs to choose, either he has a relationship with DC or he doesn’t, but this is upsetting and confusing for them. She just sees it as her uncle not speaking to her and it makes her cry.

Back to today - I asked ex if he wanted to spend the bank holiday with DC. He said yes, came to collect them and then took them to his brother’s. After they’d gone I got so angry with this whole situation I texted to ask him to either give me a solution to this problem or bring DC back (it’s technically my time with them today). 10 mins later he’s at the door, pounding on it aggressively while DD is crying in his arms. He dropped DC in the house, told me I’m a twat and left. He’s since text me saying I’m a nasty little twat, telling me to fuck off, etc etc. I said he should be sticking up for his children, that means not just passively standing by while someone willingly upsets them.

WWYD here? I can’t just stand by and let my DC be all happy and close with someone who tomorrow could be upsetting them and making them cry again. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 14:00

thepariscrimefiles · 18/04/2025 13:55

No, you definitely shouldn't just accept BIL's behaviour which makes your daughter cry. However, you should have spoken to your DH and got his agreement that he would speak to BIL before you asked him if he wanted to spend the Bank Holiday with your DD.

I can't believe that an adult, which I assume your BIL is, thinks it's OK to completely ignore his brother's child who is calling his name. It's childish and cruel.

You married into a toxic family and you need to sort things out without upsetting your DD.

Show quote history

I’ve been asking him to talk to him about this for over a year. I’m at the end of my tether, it clearly isn’t getting resolved. I just don’t know what to do, every time I leave the house I’m on edge getting ready to cross the road/distract DD if we see him. It’s minimum a few times a month this happens.

OP posts:
socialdilemmawhattodo · 18/04/2025 13:59

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:54

I wouldn’t take her to spend time with someone who chose to upset her on multiple occasions, no matter who they were.

but no, I will have to just tolerate it, I know.

Show quote history

You need to grey rock it. Tolerating it really is still an emotional response. If you pass on the street acknowledge him, ignore the non-response and move on as normal.

faerietales · 18/04/2025 13:56

YABU. You have no right to ban him from seeing his brother while DD is in his care.

Would you accept him telling you you couldn't have your mum/sister around your own child? I very much doubt it.

thepariscrimefiles · 18/04/2025 13:55

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:27

Ok thanks all. I’ve obviously overreacted and have to just accept that my child will be made to cry and nothing can be done.

No, you definitely shouldn't just accept BIL's behaviour which makes your daughter cry. However, you should have spoken to your DH and got his agreement that he would speak to BIL before you asked him if he wanted to spend the Bank Holiday with your DD.

I can't believe that an adult, which I assume your BIL is, thinks it's OK to completely ignore his brother's child who is calling his name. It's childish and cruel.

You married into a toxic family and you need to sort things out without upsetting your DD.

Original poster
KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:54

Sirzy · 18/04/2025 13:42

You can’t dictate how he spends his time with her. Would you accept him telling you who you could and couldn’t visit?

I wouldn’t take her to spend time with someone who chose to upset her on multiple occasions, no matter who they were.

but no, I will have to just tolerate it, I know.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/04/2025 13:53

If I were you I’d apologise for making him bring the kids home and acknowledge he isn’t responsible for his brothers behaviour. Good coparenting relationships are worth protecting

Coconutter24 · 18/04/2025 13:51

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:27

Ok thanks all. I’ve obviously overreacted and have to just accept that my child will be made to cry and nothing can be done.

Do you see that you are the one in this situation that made your child cry?

Sirzy · 18/04/2025 13:42

You can’t dictate how he spends his time with her. Would you accept him telling you who you could and couldn’t visit?

Original poster
KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:40

paranoiaofpufflings · 18/04/2025 13:39

You were in the wrong here. You’ve ended up punishing your daughter. FWIW, I don’t think BIL is your ex’s “problem” to solve. Ex is not accountable for his brother’s behaviour. Perhaps other family members were going to be there today too.
An all or nothing response is rarely a good solution to any problem.
It’s done now but learn from it for next time. If you offer for your ex to spend time with the kids, it’s up to him how he spends that time so long as the kids are safe and cared for.

Yes, this is true. Thanks.

OP posts:
paranoiaofpufflings · 18/04/2025 13:39

You were in the wrong here. You’ve ended up punishing your daughter. FWIW, I don’t think BIL is your ex’s “problem” to solve. Ex is not accountable for his brother’s behaviour. Perhaps other family members were going to be there today too.
An all or nothing response is rarely a good solution to any problem.
It’s done now but learn from it for next time. If you offer for your ex to spend time with the kids, it’s up to him how he spends that time so long as the kids are safe and cared for.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/04/2025 13:35

Your child being upset today is 100% your own fault, grow up!

BIL is an arse but if you stop making a massive deal out of it your DD will get used to it or he will get over it. Making it into big thing will make it all worse, ruin your coparenting and make your DD more upset. Keep your kids out of your adult squabbles, even when it’s the other adult with the issue not you.

IberianBird · 18/04/2025 13:35

he threw a tantrum about his brother and chose to bring her home and storm off.

No, you threw a tantrum about his brother! Sorry but you can't dictate who your daughter sees when she's with her dad.

londongirl12 · 18/04/2025 13:34

What is BIL like though with DC when with your ex? I would say to her that BIL doesn’t want to talk to mummy, but he still loves her etc. you have made this into a massive deal and I’d be annoyed with you too if I was your ex.

Original poster
KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:34

watchuswreckthemic · 18/04/2025 13:30

Everyone is disagreeing with you so you think you are right but we then need more information.
Did you know he was going to his brothers? If so why throw a strop and use your child to hurt your ex?
If you didn’t know, again what was the trigger for you to suddenly change your mind?

I didn’t know they were going there today. I’ve had this conversation with ex so, so many times and told him it makes DD upset, that she calls out to her uncle and he ignores her. I either get accused of lying or told it’s not a problem. I’ve asked him for support on this for her sake, just to ask him to acknowledge her (not me). I’m not sure if it’s been discussed between them or not. It’s not about being right, I’m just sick of it being dismissed as a non issue.

OP posts:
FoxRedPuppy · 18/04/2025 13:33

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:27

Ok thanks all. I’ve obviously overreacted and have to just accept that my child will be made to cry and nothing can be done.

Yes, and she will learn this too. It’s good to get her used to how we can’t control other people. Believe me as a mother of teens, there will be lots of situations ahead where people will upset her, reject her and there will be nothing you can do to stop it. What you can do is equip her emotionally to deal with it.

Dollshousedolly · 18/04/2025 13:33

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:27

Ok thanks all. I’ve obviously overreacted and have to just accept that my child will be made to cry and nothing can be done.

Don’t minimise her upset but also don’t fixate on it.

Here comes Uncle, let’s just say hello and keep going. Ha, no response from him, oh well, strange behaviour you’ll see him at the weekend with your Dad.

But yes, there is nothing you can do about it, you can’t force him to acknowledge you or your DD in the street. You can’t demand that your DH doesn’t sort the situation out.

gamerchick · 18/04/2025 13:31

YABU for dragging your kids into it today. How do they feel going off with their dad and their dad angrily bringing them back?

HuffleMyPuffle · 18/04/2025 13:30

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:27

Ok thanks all. I’ve obviously overreacted and have to just accept that my child will be made to cry and nothing can be done.

You have overreacted

That's not the same as not dealing with this issue though

You sound very dramatic

watchuswreckthemic · 18/04/2025 13:30

Everyone is disagreeing with you so you think you are right but we then need more information.
Did you know he was going to his brothers? If so why throw a strop and use your child to hurt your ex?
If you didn’t know, again what was the trigger for you to suddenly change your mind?

Anywherebuthere · 18/04/2025 13:29

You can discuss the situation but you can't dictate what he does with the kids after you've sent them with him.

You dragged your children into your bubble of anger today and caused them to be upset when this could have been discussed at another time.

Dollshousedolly · 18/04/2025 13:28

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:23

Thanks. I get what you’re both saying but he didn’t need to let her catch on to what was going on today. He could’ve just brought her back as though she was popping round, she didn’t know it was a whole day plan. I have asked him multiple times to sort this out, and to not take her round if this is going to continue.

We see him a lot. Think next street over. Genuine question, not arguing, you think at 4 it’s ok to start telling her that her family members all dislike one another?

You could explain in an age appropriate way. Uncle doesn’t want to talk to me, so maybe when we see him, you just say hello and we’ll keep going and he’ll chat with you when at Dad’s house. You could make light of it and laugh and say it’s strange behaviour or whatever.

But you can’t blame your ex for today’s incident, this was down to you.

Original poster
KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:28

FoxRedPuppy · 18/04/2025 13:26

Tbf I wouldn’t storm off, but I’d be really pissed off of my ex behaved like you did. No wonder it is acrimonious

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I get what you’re saying but this isn’t the reason it’s been acrimonious.

OP posts:
HuffleMyPuffle · 18/04/2025 13:27

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:25

He could’ve spent the day with her. His family are all going out, so he was only taking her there for an hour or so then was supposed to take her to the park. He still could’ve spent the rest of the day with her but he threw a tantrum about his brother and chose to bring her home and storm off.

Show quote history

You threw a tantrum and made him bring her back

Original poster
KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:27

Ok thanks all. I’ve obviously overreacted and have to just accept that my child will be made to cry and nothing can be done.

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 18/04/2025 13:26

Genuine question, not arguing, you think at 4 it’s ok to start telling her that her family members all dislike one another?

Yes. She has to learn that some people don't get on. It's normal interaction. Not everyone is everyone's friend. You don't have to make it a complicated explanation.