To have made ex bring DC home?

But it wouldn't be your place to give him a chance (or not).

When the DD is with her dad, it's his decision as to whether she's allowed to see her uncle or not - it's nothing to do with OP.

Absolutely this.

your DD needs to know uncles problem is with you and not her. Instead of making her spend less time with her dad and uncle.

You sound extremely dramatic and unreasonable. I’d imagine that when your BIL doesn’t speak to your DD when she’s with you, it’s not your DD that he’s avoiding!

What's the story with you and your brother in law. It sounds like he's being petty but without the rest of story it's impossible to tell. Either way it sounds like you are fixated on his behaviour and although it looks like he's being an idiot, you're the one that's escalating the situation rather than explaining it to your daughter and not showing your annoyance.

Whatever the facts are, you owe your ex and your daughter an apology for your behaviour today. It's your obsession/hang up about his behaviour that's caused the problem, not anyone else's. Perhaps her dad can have her for longer tomorrow so you can try to make it up to both of them.

Do you not think OP has made it even more confusing by allowing her to go with her dad, then demanding he brings her home 10 minutes later in a temper?

I also wasn't referring to the behaviour of the uncle (or sister or mum) - I was referring to the fact that OP seems to think she can tell her ex when he's allowed to see his own brother.

I wonder why the BIL ignores them in the street?

Your poor daughter. She’s an innocent victim and being used as a pawn in a squabble between two very immature adults. You need to
sort this out for her sake.

@cardibach doubt it very much - if he is picking and choosing when to be nice or not, that’s awful. And I would be protecting my children from him. I wouldn’t care what he thought of me, but he certainly wouldn’t be given a chance to turn his ‘nice’side on and off like that…

You shouldn't have done that, OP. You dragged DD into an adult row in just the way you've been trying to avoid. Between the two of you, you have confused her and spoilt what might have been a nice experience with her uncle. What do you expect your ex to do to 'sort out' his brother? He's not his boss.
Maybe take it as a warning not to act too quickly when you feel angry.

I think you should just say something like “Uncle Jack is a very silly man. He’s probably just playing a joke. I’m sure you’ll see him soon.” In a light voice and play it down as much as possible.

Your DD is clearly picking up on all the hurt and anger in this awful situation. I’m sure you’re doing your best but the best way you can protect her from it is dial down the upset and anger as far as possible, to the extent that it’s in your control.

Hopefully, if OP's mum/sister deliberately ignored OP's DD if they met her in the street with OP's ex-DH, OP would refuse to accept that sort of childish and spiteful behaviour from them.

It is clear that OP's DH is unwilling to tackle this and speak to his brother.

It must be very confusing for OP's DD to be ignored by her uncle and she will probably think that she has done something wrong, even if OP reassures her that she hasn't.

The brother doesn’t ignore her when she’s with her dad, that’s why it upsets her when she’s with her mum. He’s a childish idiot, obviously, but he won’t have been ignoring the child in this instance.

Sorry, but as much as his abusive language is out of order he has a point here. You are in the wrong here.

Who he sees when dd is with him is his business not yours. You cannot dictate that uncle is not permitted around the kids.

Your BIL is being a dick. But you can't change him. You have given your dd an age appropriate explanation albeit a lie. There is nothing wrong with telling a 4 year old the age appropriate truth.

I don’t think you can control whether your DD has a relationship with her uncle. I know you have your DDs best interests at heart, but what would be best for her is trying to de-escalate and play down this situation rather than building it up and creating more drama.

He dropped DC in the house, told me I’m a twat and left. He’s since text me saying I’m a nasty little twat, telling me to fuck off, etc etc. I

This all sounds very unhealthy, if not abusive. I think you need to look into communicating on the official apps and block his number.

No, you find a way to explain so your DD doesn’t cry.

You know that BiL is an arse that would rather snub you than greet his niece.

You tell your DD that BiL loves her very much, but doesn’t like talking to people when they are in the street/BiL really doesn’t like mummy.

Your DD will likely ask him about it at some point, and he will have to explain himself to her then.

Your job is t to maximise what arses they are but to minimise the impact on DD.

Practise, because you will need to do a lot of it. If you don’t, then you are no better than the ex who dumped DD while calling you a twat.

What you did today was cruel, and to be clear, you're the one that has made your child cry today.

I suspect his brother doesn't speak because he doesn't want to speak to you, it is pathetic but he probably enjoys seeing them when his brother brings them over, and presumably she doesn't have an issue with seeing him- its just you that does.

In your OP you said you told him to bring him back. Which he did. Where’s the option for him to continue having the day with her (other than ignoring your demands, which would have also wound you up presumably?).
His brother sounds a twat and I’m sure your ex has done stuff to upset you too, but in this case he did what you said to do and that’s what upset your DD and your ex.

I have to admit that if an ex BIL of mine ignored me and my children to the extent that my children were upset, they certainly wouldn’t be going to his house to be ignored again, no matter if it’s with their Dad.Nothing outweighs my children’s’ wellbeing.

your ex knows there is an issue - he’s complicit in upsetting your children. Sound deliberate to me.

I think you handled it badly today and should have spoken to him about it when he brought them back not demanded he bring them straight back and causing drama and upset for your dd. P

YANBU in how you feel about your BIL though, he's a wanker. What an embarrassing and childish way for a grown man to behave and really cruel to treat a child like that. Your ex is also a total twat for not caring that his brother is treating his daughter like that.

I don't blame you for wanting to protect your children from them and not wanting your dd to be hurt but you also need to try and do it in a bit of a calmer and more mature way as sadly I don't think your ex and his family are capable of being reasonable.

That’s not at all what people are saying - they are saying that your BIL is a childish idiot, but you were also quite problematic today, as was your ex. You are all prioritising your arguments and disagreements over your child’s wellbeing - getting into a huff because others have pointed that out seems like a bit of pattern. You have to acknowledge your role is distressing your child today and figure out how to be grown up about all of this. You can ask your BIL and ex to also behave as adults but you can’t make them. Poor little girl - today sounded incredibly confusing and upsetting.

So what is the backstory and why does EXBiL ignore you?

Today didn’t really need to happen.

Perhaps what you need to do is find a way of explaining to your daughter that her uncle is ignoring you, not her. Perhaps the conversation with you EX is that he lets his bother know you’ll not engage in conversation with his brother if he sees your daughter in the street so he can say hello to her without needing to acknowledge you.

It’s shit but it is what it is.

Her uncle is childish/ sounds pathetic and you shouldn’t accept his behaviour, it needs to be sorted.

YABU though, you’ve caused further upset for your DD and ruined her day. It should have been sorted privately between you and your ex. If it’s been going on for a while then today didn’t need to be the day to sort it out, not when your DD was at her uncles house.

Yes you have - you made him bring your DD back early because he was with his brother and you got angry about it.

I totally get the whole situation is upsetting but in this instance, it's your actions that made your DD cry. You need to just ignore the uncle's pettiness - smile, say hello and carry on. No need to do anything else.

What your ex does about his brothers' behaviour is down to him, but don't let it ruin your DD's relationship with her dad, that's not fair.