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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have made ex bring DC home?

135 replies

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:14

NC for this. Apologies, it’s long.

Ex and I have 2 DC, he left shortly after youngest was born. The split has been acrimonious. We live in very close proximity to my former in laws, so see them out and about occasionally. DD has a close relationship with all of them, sees them all the time and has grown up visiting their homes etc.

My DD is 4. Since I split with her dad, whenever we pass ex-BIL in the street, he flat out ignores her. He was on the pavement approaching us once and turned his whole body away from her to avoid acknowledging us. She will call after him more than once and he’ll ignore her, because she’s with me. This has led to tears from her on multiple occasions.

I get that this is because he has a problem with me, but I’m not the one being hurt by this. I’ve told her that her uncle has problems that mean he’s too scared to speak to people outside of his house, as I didn’t want to drag her into adult situations.

I’ve spoken to my ex about this so many times, and he refuses to acknowledge there’s a problem. So in the end I told him that his brother needs to choose, either he has a relationship with DC or he doesn’t, but this is upsetting and confusing for them. She just sees it as her uncle not speaking to her and it makes her cry.

Back to today - I asked ex if he wanted to spend the bank holiday with DC. He said yes, came to collect them and then took them to his brother’s. After they’d gone I got so angry with this whole situation I texted to ask him to either give me a solution to this problem or bring DC back (it’s technically my time with them today). 10 mins later he’s at the door, pounding on it aggressively while DD is crying in his arms. He dropped DC in the house, told me I’m a twat and left. He’s since text me saying I’m a nasty little twat, telling me to fuck off, etc etc. I said he should be sticking up for his children, that means not just passively standing by while someone willingly upsets them.

WWYD here? I can’t just stand by and let my DC be all happy and close with someone who tomorrow could be upsetting them and making them cry again. AIBU?

OP posts:
IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 18/04/2025 14:54

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:25

He could’ve spent the day with her. His family are all going out, so he was only taking her there for an hour or so then was supposed to take her to the park. He still could’ve spent the rest of the day with her but he threw a tantrum about his brother and chose to bring her home and storm off.

Show quote history

No you caused all of this. There was no need for you to contact her father.

Usernamexyz1 · 18/04/2025 14:53

Putting my sensible head on, what is it so hard for OP to tell a 4 yo that when uncle is on the street, he is late and cannot speak to us. A child that age would still struggle with a real reason : say he was with a dangerous dog and you say it’s because of the dog, will not stop your dd crying at not being able to speak to uncle. So, I would treat it just like that. By age of 5/6/7 when she can understand better, you can explain a bit more. The beauty of this is that dad and bil know what happens is true. So no need to worry about them telling her if she gets to age 6/7 and asking why unless is always in a rush in the streets. If they love your dd enough, they would laugh it off or just agree that yes, bil is always late when on street so can’t stop to say helllo.

op may not want to say what the issue is, however, I agree with other posters that it is relevant. I am afraid without that context, op’s own behavior today seems to point to something that is ‘best avoided’. So up to op to give more info.

Penguinmouse · 18/04/2025 14:53

I think it’s an overreaction but I do also sympathise - why should the BIL who is obviously such a cunt that he will ignore a four year old in the street get to spend time with her? He’s the adult, he should be able to say “hi niece, lovely to see you but can’t stop!” rather than ignoring her and making her cry.

cardibach · 18/04/2025 14:53

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:48

@cardibach even worse then - the child will be confused as to why he is friendly one minute and ignores her the next. Plenty of threads on here where adults wouldn’t put up with this, let alone inflicting it on a child…

Yes. That’s the point of the thread…

Farmwifefarmlife · 18/04/2025 14:52

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:54

I wouldn’t take her to spend time with someone who chose to upset her on multiple occasions, no matter who they were.

but no, I will have to just tolerate it, I know.

Show quote history

Can you just not go and speak to BIL yourself ?

faerietales · 18/04/2025 14:50

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:45

It is really worrying that people think that a parent’s rights to see their child trumps everything, including having to cope with an uncle’s poor behaviour which has a direct impact on a child’s emotions. Not a role model I want around my child thanks…

You can want whatever you want.

But the courts will allow the DD to have contact with her dad. Unless the brother is a proven danger, he won't even come into it. It will be up to dad whether his brother is allowed there or not - not the OP.

A judge isn't going to be interested in petty drama between OP and her ex's brother in the street.

Farmwifefarmlife · 18/04/2025 14:49

Mayflyoff · 18/04/2025 13:19

I think you have conflated two things. Yes, your bil should acknowledge your DD when he sees her. But offering your ex an extra day and then making him bring them back is cruel to your DC.

Edited

I agree you can’t be angry he’s gone to his brothers on his time. I’d be pissed off if I was the dad.

Blackdow · 18/04/2025 14:48

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:25

He could’ve spent the day with her. His family are all going out, so he was only taking her there for an hour or so then was supposed to take her to the park. He still could’ve spent the rest of the day with her but he threw a tantrum about his brother and chose to bring her home and storm off.

Show quote history

You threw a tantrum about his brother and demanded he bring the kids back. You were a twat.
The brother is a petty twat but, for whatever reason, they don’t want to associate with you or talk to you. You cannot demand that is changed, you cannot dictate the relationship your ex has with his brother and you cannot dictate who he takes the kids to see when he has them.
Just tell your kid that you and her uncle don’t get along because you’re not friends so he might not come chat to her when you’re out, but he loves her and is daddy’s family so will see her lots with him.

Simply put, you’re not actually in charge here. It’s co-parenting and you can’t make rules for his time and his family, however much you might want to. And even if they are dicks.

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:48

@cardibach even worse then - the child will be confused as to why he is friendly one minute and ignores her the next. Plenty of threads on here where adults wouldn’t put up with this, let alone inflicting it on a child…

cardibach · 18/04/2025 14:47

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:45

It is really worrying that people think that a parent’s rights to see their child trumps everything, including having to cope with an uncle’s poor behaviour which has a direct impact on a child’s emotions. Not a role model I want around my child thanks…

Not everyone your child meets is a role model. Nobody is presenting the uncle as a role model. He’s an idiot. But the OP could make it all less upsetting for her DD with the age appropriate truth - ‘uncle X doesn’t like me so he doesn’t want t9 stop and talk to you when you are with me. It’s not very nice of him, but that’s how it is, so we can just say hell9 and keep walking’

Crunchymum · 18/04/2025 14:46

How did you come to know he had taken DD to see BIL @KimodoDragon ?

You didn't know in advance so how did you find out?

cardibach · 18/04/2025 14:45

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:24

@cardibach doubt it very much - if he is picking and choosing when to be nice or not, that’s awful. And I would be protecting my children from him. I wouldn’t care what he thought of me, but he certainly wouldn’t be given a chance to turn his ‘nice’side on and off like that…

The OP says he speaks to her when she’s with her dad.

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:45

It is really worrying that people think that a parent’s rights to see their child trumps everything, including having to cope with an uncle’s poor behaviour which has a direct impact on a child’s emotions. Not a role model I want around my child thanks…

CustardySergeant · 18/04/2025 14:42

pennyHD · 18/04/2025 14:28

You sound extremely dramatic and unreasonable. I’d imagine that when your BIL doesn’t speak to your DD when she’s with you, it’s not your DD that he’s avoiding!

I don't understand why he can't speak to and be nice to the child when she's out with the OP. He can still ignore the OP and just respond pleasantly to the child's greeting.

faerietales · 18/04/2025 14:41

Odellio · 18/04/2025 14:31

Also curious to know what OP has done in the past to warrant being ignored in the street like that by BIL.

Weird that ex actually caved to the strange ultimatum, if I received a text like that I’d ignore it and carry on with my day with DC.

Yeah, I'd like to know this too, tbh. I wonder what happened to cause all this angst.

Rosybud88 · 18/04/2025 14:41

What kind of uncle behaves like this?! I would never ignore one of my nieces or nephews in the street regardless of an issue I had with their parent. I understand why you are angry, I don’t think it’s fair for him to do this and then spend time with her being all hunky dory when you aren’t around. And why on earth is Dad not dealing with this? Unfair, not on, and frankly uncle wouldn’t be spending time with child until he could grow up.

faerietales · 18/04/2025 14:40

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:37

@faerietales its more worrying that you wouldn’t do anything…

Doing something doesn't need to involve banning your child from seeing their other parent. It's worrying that you assume it does, tbh.

A court would look very, very dimly on a mother withholding contact over this - not a game I would be keen to try and play.

At the end of the day, a child has a right to see their parent and to have a relationship with them. Playing silly games only means they're the ones who suffer.

AthWat · 18/04/2025 14:40

As usual, the devil's in the detail. Depending on what exactly you said in your messages, he was either being reasonable or unreasonable in bringing your daughter straight back. Whether it was his fault your daughter was upset, or yours, depends on that. It's quite possible he should just have ignored it and carried on with his day; it's also possible you threatened to call the police if he didn't.

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:37

@faerietales its more worrying that you wouldn’t do anything…

faerietales · 18/04/2025 14:35

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:34

@faerietales he can take me to court to see whether he’s right. I have every right to stop them being potentially harmed by his brothers’ behaviour…

Yeah, good luck with that one. That's awful behaviour and hopefully a judge would see straight through it.

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:34

@faerietales he can take me to court to see whether he’s right. I have every right to stop them being potentially harmed by his brothers’ behaviour…

Usernamexyz1 · 18/04/2025 14:33

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:27

Ok thanks all. I’ve obviously overreacted and have to just accept that my child will be made to cry and nothing can be done.

Not correct. You can choose to move. Why not take that step as opposed to relying on dad to sort his bro when that won’t happen. Moving is what most pp would do or choose to subject de to this behavior. That’s also a choice.

Odellio · 18/04/2025 14:31

Also curious to know what OP has done in the past to warrant being ignored in the street like that by BIL.

Weird that ex actually caved to the strange ultimatum, if I received a text like that I’d ignore it and carry on with my day with DC.

Hoppinggreen · 18/04/2025 14:31

BIL is a twat but you made this whole situation worse.

TeenLifeMum · 18/04/2025 14:31

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:27

Ok thanks all. I’ve obviously overreacted and have to just accept that my child will be made to cry and nothing can be done.

But you had no issue making her dad bring her back and making her cry?! You just say “uncle Dave hates mummy and I’ve no clue why but he doesn’t speak to her us. People are weird sometimes. If you meet up with him with daddy just stay close to daddy.”

not ideal but you can’t dictate where her dad takes her.