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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made ex bring DC home?

135 replies

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:14

NC for this. Apologies, it’s long.

Ex and I have 2 DC, he left shortly after youngest was born. The split has been acrimonious. We live in very close proximity to my former in laws, so see them out and about occasionally. DD has a close relationship with all of them, sees them all the time and has grown up visiting their homes etc.

My DD is 4. Since I split with her dad, whenever we pass ex-BIL in the street, he flat out ignores her. He was on the pavement approaching us once and turned his whole body away from her to avoid acknowledging us. She will call after him more than once and he’ll ignore her, because she’s with me. This has led to tears from her on multiple occasions.

I get that this is because he has a problem with me, but I’m not the one being hurt by this. I’ve told her that her uncle has problems that mean he’s too scared to speak to people outside of his house, as I didn’t want to drag her into adult situations.

I’ve spoken to my ex about this so many times, and he refuses to acknowledge there’s a problem. So in the end I told him that his brother needs to choose, either he has a relationship with DC or he doesn’t, but this is upsetting and confusing for them. She just sees it as her uncle not speaking to her and it makes her cry.

Back to today - I asked ex if he wanted to spend the bank holiday with DC. He said yes, came to collect them and then took them to his brother’s. After they’d gone I got so angry with this whole situation I texted to ask him to either give me a solution to this problem or bring DC back (it’s technically my time with them today). 10 mins later he’s at the door, pounding on it aggressively while DD is crying in his arms. He dropped DC in the house, told me I’m a twat and left. He’s since text me saying I’m a nasty little twat, telling me to fuck off, etc etc. I said he should be sticking up for his children, that means not just passively standing by while someone willingly upsets them.

WWYD here? I can’t just stand by and let my DC be all happy and close with someone who tomorrow could be upsetting them and making them cry again. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 15:18

Poppins21 · 18/04/2025 15:15

You are ignoring all the people explaining why what you did was not good.

Show quote history

I don’t think what I did was good. I agree with a lot of what’s being said. But I posted on here for a discussion. I’m taking all the opinions on board.

OP posts:
Poppins21 · 18/04/2025 15:16

thepariscrimefiles · 18/04/2025 15:14

OP has said that he does just ignore her DD when she is with her. That doesn't make it right to ignore a child who is calling your name and crying at not being answered.

OP has said that she has never had any sort of relationship with her ex-BIL, even when she and her ex-DH were together. She says:

'Ex left me with a newborn and has since been financially and emotionally abusive. He had problems with women, drugs and gambling. Whatever BIL’s issue is with me, it comes from my ex and his mum as I’ve had zero communication with BIL since we split.'

Her BIL obviously strongly dislikes OP and thinks that makes it OK to take it out on her DD. I think that makes him an arsehole.

Show quote history

Everyone apart from DD seems to be a bit of an arsehole. Sadly it will be the little girl suffering.

Ellie1015 · 18/04/2025 15:15

Ex bil is being awful. However yabu in this instance and child was upset because you changed the plans. If i was your ex I wouldn't have brought her back until the originally agreed time.

Poppins21 · 18/04/2025 15:15

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:25

He could’ve spent the day with her. His family are all going out, so he was only taking her there for an hour or so then was supposed to take her to the park. He still could’ve spent the rest of the day with her but he threw a tantrum about his brother and chose to bring her home and storm off.

Show quote history

You are ignoring all the people explaining why what you did was not good.

thepariscrimefiles · 18/04/2025 15:14

choppywood · 18/04/2025 15:06

Maybe he ignores her when she's with you ? Maybe he's a good fun uncle when your not around ? Maybe just Maybe you are the problem

OP has said that he does just ignore her DD when she is with her. That doesn't make it right to ignore a child who is calling your name and crying at not being answered.

OP has said that she has never had any sort of relationship with her ex-BIL, even when she and her ex-DH were together. She says:

'Ex left me with a newborn and has since been financially and emotionally abusive. He had problems with women, drugs and gambling. Whatever BIL’s issue is with me, it comes from my ex and his mum as I’ve had zero communication with BIL since we split.'

Her BIL obviously strongly dislikes OP and thinks that makes it OK to take it out on her DD. I think that makes him an arsehole.

podge29 · 18/04/2025 15:14

I’d be interested to know how uncle knobhead is justifying his behaviour to your dd when he sees her with her dad. Presumably he doesn’t ignore her then.

Usernamexyz1 · 18/04/2025 15:11

dogsandcatsandhorses · 18/04/2025 15:08

But you can’t control how he behaves when he did what you wanted twice.

  1. he took the dc for the day
  2. he returned dc when you told him to.
This messed up his day and confused and upset your children. Yes his brother is behaving stupidly but again you’ve no control over that. In your shoes I’d speak first to BIL if you see him out. Morning Jim, nice day. If he acts oddly just say to dc Uncle Jim didn’t hear us and carry on. You can’t control other people’s actions, only your own.
Show quote history

Similar to what I said re non speaking uncle. Honestly, op has made it a bigger deal than it ever was necessary. Leave real conflicts to when your dd is 13/16/18 when you will need to sit her down and explain! She is only 4!

cardibach · 18/04/2025 15:10

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:59

Why should OP have to explain uncle’s behaviour - that’s for the Dad to manage…

It’s her job to explain things which are confusing or upsetting which happen when she is there. The ex should speak to his brother, but actually we don’t know he hasn’t tried, just that it hasn’t worked. How can the ex explain something that only happens when he isn’t there?
As I’ve said, the uncle is a bit of a twat - I’m not excusing him. And the ex shouldn’t have sworn when the DD was there. But the OP has some responsibility here too.

faerietales · 18/04/2025 15:09

I just feel sorry for the DD being brought up in this total mess.

dogsandcatsandhorses · 18/04/2025 15:08

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 13:23

Thanks. I get what you’re both saying but he didn’t need to let her catch on to what was going on today. He could’ve just brought her back as though she was popping round, she didn’t know it was a whole day plan. I have asked him multiple times to sort this out, and to not take her round if this is going to continue.

We see him a lot. Think next street over. Genuine question, not arguing, you think at 4 it’s ok to start telling her that her family members all dislike one another?

But you can’t control how he behaves when he did what you wanted twice.

  1. he took the dc for the day
  2. he returned dc when you told him to.
This messed up his day and confused and upset your children. Yes his brother is behaving stupidly but again you’ve no control over that. In your shoes I’d speak first to BIL if you see him out. Morning Jim, nice day. If he acts oddly just say to dc Uncle Jim didn’t hear us and carry on. You can’t control other people’s actions, only your own.
Usernamexyz1 · 18/04/2025 15:07

Sorry to hear. However, I was surprised when you said you called him and asked him if he wanted to spend the day with dd and he didn’t hesitate to come and get her.

most financially and emotionally abusive ex partners would not have done that. He even complied with your unexpected request to bring her back. Op, you do have a lot to think about for the sake of your dd.

choppywood · 18/04/2025 15:06

Maybe he ignores her when she's with you ? Maybe he's a good fun uncle when your not around ? Maybe just Maybe you are the problem

CremeEggThief · 18/04/2025 15:04

Both you and your ex have been unreasonable here and all you are doing with this sort of tit for tat behaviour is upsetting and confusing your children. 😥 Please put them first.

podge29 · 18/04/2025 15:03

It sounds like you got yourself wound up today and acted a bit impulsively rather than thinking about how this might affect your dd.

That said, I also wouldn’t want my dc around someone who treated them like that. The uncle sounds like a complete prick and very immature. Your ex might not be able to control his behaviour but he could at least acknowledge it’s happening and is unacceptable to his dd.

So I voted Yanbu because I don’t blame you for being pissed off about it all. But if there is a next time I would encourage you to take a deep breath and think about your dd before making your ex bring her home on a whim. Oh it’s also not ok for him to be verbally abusing you in front of her either.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/04/2025 15:03

KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 15:00

Sorry have just caught up. Lots of questions but I think a couple of people have asked me why he dislikes me. On that I’m not 1000% sure, as I haven’t fallen out with him. I never really had a relationship with him, I don’t even have his phone number.

Ex left me with a newborn and has since been financially and emotionally abusive. He had problems with women, drugs and gambling. Whatever BIL’s issue is with me, it comes from my ex and his mum as I’ve had zero communication with BIL since we split.

If he’s emotionally and financially abusive then how is it acrimonious?

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 15:03

@Blackdow maybe where you live, but not here - nothing is too petty where young children in their formative years are concerned…

Original poster
KimodoDragon · 18/04/2025 15:00

Sorry have just caught up. Lots of questions but I think a couple of people have asked me why he dislikes me. On that I’m not 1000% sure, as I haven’t fallen out with him. I never really had a relationship with him, I don’t even have his phone number.

Ex left me with a newborn and has since been financially and emotionally abusive. He had problems with women, drugs and gambling. Whatever BIL’s issue is with me, it comes from my ex and his mum as I’ve had zero communication with BIL since we split.

OP posts:
FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:59

Why should OP have to explain uncle’s behaviour - that’s for the Dad to manage…

faerietales · 18/04/2025 14:58

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:55

@faerietales don’t be so sure about that… the dad will be accountable no matter how ‘petty’ it seems to you… And the mother would soon be held to account for not stepping in.

co parenting is to ensure the child is safe, provided for and happy, not a display of parental rights.

Accountable for what? The uncle walking past OP in the street and not saying anything?

I think you're grossly overestimating the courts' powers here. There is no evidence the child is in danger. However, there is evidence of both parties being incredibly immature and upsetting their daughter, so let's not pretend OP is covered in glory while the ex is a total shit.

Vitrolinsanity · 18/04/2025 14:58

Farmwifefarmlife · 18/04/2025 14:52

Can you just not go and speak to BIL yourself ?

Show quote history

Hmm. I reckon five would get you ten that it’s words between the OP and the BIL that have got matters to this pickle point already.

Blackdow · 18/04/2025 14:58

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:55

@faerietales don’t be so sure about that… the dad will be accountable no matter how ‘petty’ it seems to you… And the mother would soon be held to account for not stepping in.

co parenting is to ensure the child is safe, provided for and happy, not a display of parental rights.

A court won’t give a shit about this. They’d all be told to grow up.

LBFseBrom · 18/04/2025 14:56

Mayflyoff · 18/04/2025 13:19

I think you have conflated two things. Yes, your bil should acknowledge your DD when he sees her. But offering your ex an extra day and then making him bring them back is cruel to your DC.

Edited

Agreed.

Trytryagain25 · 18/04/2025 14:56

Why can't you have a conversation with BIL?

Or send him a text 'hey BIL, listen I get it - you hate me, but DD loves you and when you ignore her, it's hurt her. If we pass by I won't get try to stop and chat. You don't need to ignore DD, can you give her a wave? She's been crying that you don't like her.'

Or something similar.

Topseyt123 · 18/04/2025 14:56

Your BIL sounds like a childish twat but the upset for your DD today was definitely caused by you and you alone.

You didn't need to insist that ex brought the children straight home, especially as one of your subsequent updates explains that they were only going to be at BIL's house for about an hour anyway. You should have just left things to play out.

Why can't you explain to DD that it is you that her uncle doesn't get along with, not her and that that makes things difficult when you bump into each other when out and about? Tell her that the problem he has is with you, not her and uncle will probably be fine when Daddy next takes them to see him. Then just leave it at that and stop making a big drama out of it.

FenywHysbys · 18/04/2025 14:55

@faerietales don’t be so sure about that… the dad will be accountable no matter how ‘petty’ it seems to you… And the mother would soon be held to account for not stepping in.

co parenting is to ensure the child is safe, provided for and happy, not a display of parental rights.