To have made ex bring DC home?

Have a conversation with her. She doesn't always have to be made to cry 🙄"Grown ups and children can have big feelings. Big feelings are hard. BIL loves you very much. He just finds it hard to talk sometimes because he has big feelings. When his big feelings stop him from talking. He still loves you. He just finds big feelings hard."

@KimodoDragon

I think this is a good point. He's a twat, he lives to get a rise out of you. He enjoys it and it justifies himself to himself. And it appears that you willingly take the bait.

Perhaps if you stopped letting him see that he gets to you he'd stop or at least tone it down. Not right away, it'll take time, patience, and persistence. But you'll wear him down in time. I'm not saying you can magically make your feelings disappear, just that you can hide them.

Next time he starts in on you, sigh and put the phone down on him or close the door in his face. Ignore any nasty messages, respond only to 'decent' communications. If you have something to say, say it quietly and plainly. If he starts getting heated up or abusive, terminate the conversation. And above all, think what his possible reaction will be before you say or take any actions. It will help you prepare to deal with his response. Don't let him get your goat.

I don't mean that you need to let him walk all over you or call the shots. You just learn to moderate your responses. That doesn't equate to acquiescence. No still means no, even if you only whisper it.

Really good idea not to do the pictures or filming anymore. It makes you look really bad, no one will take any notice and your child doesn't need to be filmed/ pictured like this 🙏.

Get a diary, keep it private always. Write in it how your ex is every single cun* under the sun as is BIL and it will help you process all the understandable hurt and anger.

OP - I've this for you lovely 💐❤️.

You have reacted in a strong way for a reason. Your reaction is similar to people who are highly reactive, often because they feel totally out of control at the hands of other people, gaslighted by them usually. As I read through I was waiting for that part to arrive - and there it was. Your ex has a history of gaslighting. I saw it before you even explained it.

So all you can do is one thing. That's manage YOU and you alone.

Your daughter will value truth. The truth is ' I don't really know exactly why uncle xyz didn't speak then. Maybe he's having a bad day, I don't know lovely. Shall we go to the park?'

That is very difficult to do. But this above is the answer, every time.

With the ex - you have to play a game. Someone else said grey rock. I agree. A fluffy version is called yellow rock.

I'd go research this online and become familiar with it. You cannot control this situation or these people. They will possibly enjoy seeing you react. You absolutely must do everything to show as little emotions as possible. Act to your ex as if BIL doesn't exist. Show no care at this stage. Until you have enough to know it's a problem. They don't like you and that's how it often is. You have to learn a tactic to show and give them as little as possible of yourself. Grey rock is that method.

I can't decide if it's best you always say hi to BIL or not. I'd probably say hi as nicely as I could if forced in front of him.

You are allowed to feel hurt by this. The issue is that you are hurt and not so much the 4 year old who won't care that much. This is why it stings so much.

There are lots of groups online for support dealing with narcissistic or gaslighting people in your life. Come find us. 🙏

Unfortunately you've chosen to have a child with a dickhead.

However, you need to deal with the consequences of your poor decisions without it impacting your DD. Taking her photo or filming her while she's upset as "evidence" is only going to hurt her. It won't hurt your ex.

We get it he is a Twat
Not much you can do about it, you CAN do a lot about your reactions to his Twattiness

Taking a photo of a crying child and sending it to "prove" something is attempting emotional blackmail

Wow

Your child was in obvious distress and you took a photo to try and use it as emotional blackmail

That's not good

Yes. She knows something isnt right. And unless you tell her she will assumer its her fault.

Good. I hope that DD was satisfied/accepting of your explanation.

When you're out and about and if it happens again, just repeat the same words. After a few repetitions (and distracting her afterwards) she'll accept it as the status quo. Children are quite adaptable and usually settle into 'it is what it is' much more easily than adults do.

As far as your exH goes, don't bother mentioning it again. This is a situation you will have to manage on your own. He is entitled to take DD to visit whomever he chooses to during 'his time'.

Looks like you were the cause of today's upset

Isn't she upset over your actions today?

I don't think you should have asked him to bring your DD home given you agreed she should spend the day with him. The fact your BIL ignores you is a separate issue and if he is happy to ignore a 4 year old simply because he does not like her mum says more about him. I don't think you need to explain to your DC why he ignores her or you simply tell her that he does not like you and it is nothing she has done. Both ex and BIL sound like abusive twats so I would not be giving him or his family any access other than that he is entitled to. Escalating this was a mistake. I would be ignoring the whole exes family if you see them in the street. Presumably moving is out of the question? What about your other child? I thought you said you had 2 DC.

You have no control over your BIL’s behaviour. And neither does your child’s father.

But you do have control over your own.

You’ve been badly hurt, badly let down. Don’t let your tiny ones pay the price for that any more than they already have.

When BIL blanks you, play it down, distract and minimise. You can’t stop his reaction to you. But you can control your reaction to him. Which reduces the opportunity for your child to experience a bit more of being the collateral damage in adult disputes.

When her dad takes her out for the day, don’t demand a return to base because you are angry about his incapacity to manage his brother’s coldness to you in public. Let DD be with her dad. She may not have him in her life for all her formative years and young adulthood.

The last thing you’ll want in the longer term is her having any misgivings about how much of a role you may have played in any distance that grows between her and him in the future.

It’s normal to have blurred vision and oversized blinkers when you’ve been body slammed by the other parent emotionally and financially. But fight all you can for the most clear-eyed version of yourself you can manage. For the sake of the smallies who always have to live with their parents’ “heat of the moment” choices. Never getting to make any of their own until they are much older, and potentially far less forgiving than you might immagine.

Please never do anything like this again.

You told him to bring her back though

Never EVER withdraw your child’s contact with her father because of your issues with other adults. It’s incredibly damaging. You need to grow up and stop thinking you can dictate your exs time with his daughter. As long as she’s safe, you can’t and shouldn’t.

That was an awful thing to do, your Ex might be a Dick but you don't need to upset your DD to prove that

I would just communicate the fact that your ex BIL doesn’t stop to talk because of you not her, I’m sure you can come up with a child friendly version of the truth. I’m surprised she hasn’t asked her uncle herself.

I'd start quietly filming what happens when you run into BIL and how your daughter responds when he ignores her. Get a few interactions on video. Then show him.

Could it actually be feelings of guilt rather than dislike? Could he feel badly about the way his brother has treated you but is too cowardly or embarrassed to speak to you? I know, that's probably clutching at straws.

As far as you speaking about this to your DD, I suppose it would depend on her level of understanding. But there's no need for long wordy explanations that involve the negative things surrounding your divorce or that vilify her uncle.

Would she understand if you told her that her uncle doesn't want to speak to you rather than not wanting to speak to her? If she questions, you simply say (sadly) "I don't know why, sweetie". Then brightly say "Oh look at that dog/bird/flower/interesting object over there!" and distract her. I found that distraction (and ice cream) usually worked with my DC in 'uncomfortable situations'.

If DD asks why and all else fails, tell her to ask her daddy.

I really wish adults would grow up and stop damaging their dc due to their own arguments and related emotions.

You acted childish in anger to punish your ex. You want to hurt him and his family because your hurt. You used dd as a weapon to do this. There is no other explanation.

I have seen the best co parenting relationship through watching one of my friends with her ex. They spend time together as a family and include the exs new partner. They work wonderfully together and don’t argue. The positive impact on the dc is evident.

No matter what the back story, as adults you choose to have dc with this person and it’s your responsibility to put your feelings aside and get along.

I think you have made a big deal about bil issue because it is an outlet to your own emotions. You have made it a focus as that’s easier than reflecting on the real issues. I can’t believe you see bil that much. I don’t even see my direct neighbour that often.

Grow up. Poor dd.