Ghosted by my friend

Maybe, but then from her perspective maybe you've done things wrong. It doesn't really matter. If she was a good friend and you missed having her in your life you'd be willing to put it all behind you, reach out and repair things. But you don't so it looks like the friendship is over and you're ok with that.

I'm interested in WHY you appear concerned that she's ignoring you. From what you've now said, I'd be pleased 😀

She’s got the( correct) impression that you’re not interested in meeting up.
You should have made an effort. It’s not on to back out just because others did

Your first post was very lacking in important points.

I'm sorry OP, i know being ghosted is shit. But it doesn't sound like she was much of a friend.

Oof, you should've mentioned this in your OP, most answers would've probably been quite different; she actually does sound like hard work and someone who requires others to walk on eggshells around.

Honestly, she probably isn't a particularly happy person in general, and it also sounds like she's hell-bent on sabotaging her friendships over whatever she considers to be slights, being friends with people only in ways it suits her.

If I were you, I'd leave her to it. If she wants to take your apologies and reopen communications between you two, it's up to you if you respond, but I'd not bother pleading (because that's how it comes across) with her any more.

@TessTimoney "We usually meet up every couple of weeks for coffee/lunch but she only wanted to meet up if the others were coming. She has cancelled meet ups with me frequently in the past with very little notice"

this puts a very different slant on it.

I realise that some people treat others badly because of their loneliness. But it sounds like it wasn't a good friendship generally.

The fact that she’s said she doesn’t like Christmas, and had booked a holiday out of the country, suggests it probably is a lonely/difficult time for her, and she put extra importance on meeting up for that reason. Was her perception that you were the one who first dropped out of the pantomime tradition, and the others then followed your lead?

I agree that you don’t have to go to the pantomime if you don’t want to, and that if you were willing to meet up for lunch one on one but she only wanted to meet with the others, there’s only so much you can do. But it sounds like the original plans were important to her and her perception is that you’re the one who made them fall apart. The only way to know for sure that that’s the issue of course is to ask her what’s wrong. I don’t personally think she’s being ‘childish’, loneliness is horrible and it can make you very sensitive to anything that feels like rejection. I think it comes down to how much you value the friendship and how much effort you are willing to put in trying to find out what’s wrong and make amends. Clearly, she’s hurt.

To be honest, friendships with ex-colleagues rarely last. Honestly, I wouldn't be falling over myself to meet up with ex-colleagues (even ones I was friendly with) from 12 years ago.

As you rejected her ideas, your friend is probably feeling a bit slighted and is pulling back. Keep reaching out, commenting/liking her social media posts etc, but the ball is in her court.

Well if she frequently cancels meet ups with you and doesn’t like to meet alone with you… then it’s probably more fizzled out than ghosting isn’t it.

This

and she’d probably already bought you a present

I read this and I imagined being in your friend shoes.

i suspect she really needed or was really looking forward to the catch up / outing. Ie it was something special in her calendar and maybe her Christmas period wasn't jam packed.

I have gone to tonnes of stuff I felt very meh about because a friend or relative wanted to go or it was just a nice excuse to see them.

You (collectively) were pretty indifferent to the whole thing and it was basically binned off twice.

That is going to hurt.

She is also probably feeling like you thought she wasn't "worth" meeting solo.

Again that's going to hurt.

Put yourself in her shoes. Every year she meets up with a friend and this year because two other ppl didn't want to do it neither did you. It probably made her feel like you aren't that bothered about seeing her.

She's probably taken a step back because she feels that no one in the friendship group is really that bothered. You should communicate with her and make an effort to see her if the friendship is important to you.

I think you let her down, your actions suggested it was only worth meeting up if the other friends came too.
And at a festive but often lonely time of the year. She’s probably recalibrated the friendship and I don’t blame her tbh. I think it was hurtful , even quick lunch would have showed you wanted to see her.

I hope OP you’re taking note of the replies here. It seems your friend compromised with you and the others already by dropping the panto and then you and the others repaid that by dropping all the Xmas plan and wanting a catch up in Jan which is hardly the same thing. She’s likely feeling hurt and rejected and yes YABU thinking she’s being childish. She’s upset and protecting herself from further hurt and rejection I imagine because you didn’t consider her feelings in all this but just followed suit with the others immediately when they said they didn’t even want to meet for the lunch.

She’s probably got a lot of friends with families who don’t have time for her at Christmas. She was relying on you to be the friend who did have time, but then you did to her what all the others were doing and probably made her feel lonelier. If you want to try and salvage the friendship you need to spell out to her in clear terms how important she is to you, that you recognise you fucked up with something that was important, and apologise. You need to do it by phone or in person, not on WhatsApp.

I agree with others that she may well have been looking forward to seeing friends and everyone just basically couldn’t be bothered. So now she can’t be bothered. I don’t know why you didn’t want to meet just because the others didn’t? Why not say well Tina and Mary can’t come but shall we do something? Because by saying they can’t come so let’s just leave it you’re saying to her that you don’t want to see her alone and it’s really just the other people you want to see. And that’s fine if that’s how you feel. But you can’t then get annoyed that she now doesn’t really want to see or speak to you either.

It's really hard being the person that no one prioritises

She's probably pulling back to protect her own feelings. If I put myself in her place, I might respond to a genuine gesture which shows that she's important. But it depends on a lot of context and if you have done this to her before.

She might also just have taken on board that she's not important and left it there. She may not wish to be hurt anymore.

If you had time to see her, I don't know why you didn't just see her. Why did you need the other two? Does the friendship not stand on its own merit? I guess not, from what you're saying.

Also, do you have form for flaking on arrangements with her? May be this was the last straw for your friend

This ^

This. Sorry OP I think you were wrong to do this. I doubt the friendship can be salvaged.

Your whole attitude was basically that she's not worth meeting up with unless the others are there too. Pretty hurtful for her. Don't blame her for stopping communication.