Living together - mess, noise what’s normal???

This is far more normal than other PP’s are suggesting. A more measured approach could be helpful. By all means speak to your partner who is responsible for his son. But at 16 this won’t go on forever. Is he going to college or uni after his exams?
Your ex being a neat freak is relevant here. Are your expectations of a teenager reasonable?
I chose not to constantly argue and insist on unreasonable standards with my teenage DS and although he was never tidy this phase passed. His dad went full on crazy with his expectations and their relationship has suffered.
It’s up to you whether this is a reason to end your relationship and live as a single parent with your DD. But you may find that when she’s a teenager she’s very similar….plus you’ll likely have makeup on every surface and that’s a challenge to get off.

I’m a single parent with 2 sons - one age 19 (only home in uni holidays) and one 16 (about to do GCSEs). I’d say that teenage boys are naturally messy and loud, but you don’t have to accept it.

DS1 can obviously stay up as late as he likes, but he knows that once I go to bed he has to be quiet. He knows that if he kept me awake with his gaming after I’d told him to be quiet, then I’d be waking him up at 6am with 80s pop and lights on!

DS2 has a bed time, even in the holidays, varying between 11 and midnight. I take his phone away. He’s only 16, and I’m not allowing him to become nocturnal.

They can take snacks in their bedrooms but only if they bring the plates back down soon after.

I do tend to put their clothes away a bit, but not always. As long as they put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket, if they want their own bedrooms to be messy then that’s their lookout.

OP I think you need to speak to your DP and explain what your rules and boundaries are, because it’s not sustainable as it is. And yes, your DSS will get less selfish as he gets older, but it’ll take a long time, maybe years.

How much more could you possibly compromise? What would that look like?
Your house is a tip and your boyfriend's son is keeping you awake all night.
By "compromise" bf means "shut up".

You're not happy. You can either continue to live like this and be unhappy. Or get them out and risk being unhappy without the relationship but to be honest I doubt you'll feel worse than you do now.

You and your daughter will have your home back

It isn't working
Put your dd first
Think how she feels with an unrelated 16 yr old boy and this man in her space
He can move back out you can continue a relationship or not

As a mum of 2 older teen DS I feel your pain. We do have similar issues with clothes on floor and plates in bedrooms and I do a lot of nagging about it apparently!

DH doesn't do it though, although he is not their dad, but he is messier than me. When we first got together I put down very clear boundaries about what level of mess was acceptable for me and when we finally moved in together after 5 years I continued to maintain those boundaries, which he tries to stick to after 8 years living together, even if he wouldn't have lived like that on his own.

Staying up and keeping others awake is not OK. We have the same issue now with DS2 at 6th form when DS1 comes home from uni.

Basically DS1 has to be quiet when the rest of us need to sleep, DH and I get up at 6.30 for work, DS2 has to get up for 6th form. If he really needs to stay up he can bring his laptop to the kitchen table where nobody can hear him and come up to bed really quietly, but we do not accept him keeping anyone awake.

Exactly
both my ss have lived with us at times
and also my adult son lived here.

these ground rules would have been in place before moving in
any deviation my dh would have come down on them like a ton of bricks- this isn’t working for your family…

He thinks I should compromise more

No, absolutely not.

You had a lovely tidy quiet house until you moved them in-that isn't far on your daughter.

They needs to move out and then you can have your space back again.

It’s not working. Ask him to move out asap. Whatever he is contributing ( not much by the way, as he eats and uses your house too) isn’t worth it. You have been made a skivvy and it’s affecting your mental health.

This, we have 3 DS, 15, 13 & 9. No way in hell would I accept that behaviour. They don't leave their clothes lying around (clean or dirty) or dirty dishes, they game but not all night, they cleanup after themselves and they're in bed for 10:30 - 11. You have a BF problem he is teaching his DS how to behave. He needs to move back out.

You need to kick them out, especially for your daughter’s sake. No way should she be having to put up with that.

The fact your partner sulked when you made a perfectly reasonable request is also not good. Sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you to put up with him & his son by threatening to end the relationship otherwise.

Imagine when they move out and your home is peaceful and tidy again!

Who would choose to live like that...

@Steffie2 it's obvious you don't even like your boyfriend's son.

That's ok, but your living arrangements are not working.

To benefit you and your young daughter, your boyfriend should use the equity from his home, to rent, until his son is independent.

Otherwise, it is highly likely that, your relationship will not survive this tension.

I haven't voted either way, as the truth is somewhere in the middle. The behaviour is completely normal for a teen, and I don't think expecting complete silence after 10 is reasonable, it does sound like he is trying to keep the noise down. I would expect some effort from your BF though to be teaching his DS to tidy up after himself. It does sound like maybe you aren't compatible to live together. Teenagers are hard work, and it will be that much harder if you don't feel you can tell him when he's being antisocial in the way you would your own DC. The sulking and stropping from your BF would worry me too, as it doesn't sound like he feels he should compromise to make it work.

They’re only like that if they’re allowed to be!

I never ever understand why woman make their lives and their kids lives SO miserable just for a man. You had a peaceful, clean and happy child before you decided that you and your boyfriend come first.
and I never understand why women put up with someone else’s shitty child when they don’t have to.
have your relationship if you want, but why live together? Why put up with stuff in your own home when you don’t need to? And why oh why do you need to bring men/males to live with your young daughter when it absolutely does not benefit her in any way?

BF sold his house last year and moved in with me to test how we would live together before buying together

Now you know the outcome of the test.

Tell him to move out.

You’ve got a bf problem, not a dss problem.

Trial should end, sad of course if your DP is a good man.

Oh and one of my teens is a boy! He's probably the best at tidying up after himself in the kitchen actually.

As a mum of teens yanbu. Mine are pretty nocturnal in the holidays but they are quiet as they know me and their dad are working and up early.

The kind of mess that's normal for me is the odd cup or plate lying around. Not immediately tidying up after themselves in the kitchen. What's going on with your stepson is way over the line.

This is what teen boys are like ime, they do come out the other side, but I wouldn’t live with a teenager I had not personally created!

He thinks I should compromise more and that I just don’t get teenagers or boys.

Sounds the boyfriend and his son have an attitude problem. Just because they are male it doesn't give them the right to be noisy slobs. There needs to be ground rules, like stepson needs to open his windows for an hour a day to air the room out, shower daily and change clothes. Room needs to be cleaned by boyfriend / son once a week etc. They shouldn't be making you and your daughter put up with their stink just because they are lazy.

To answer your question, no, this isn't normal. Living in near squalor isn't conducive to good relationships with anyone. Your partner and his son should shape up or move out.

Does your daughter enjoy having these two unrelated men in her home?
There's no good reason to house these people, the boyfriend is free to act hurt, that's fine. Why not just enjoy dating without the drudgery?
Keep your financial independence and house.

I’ve been there except with 2 teen boys up all night gaming raising the fridge, eating all meals in their rooms etc it doesn’t get better and they are now in their 20s and still doing it, ex partner wouldn’t tackle it as was worried they would t come to stay if he put rules in place. I chose not to live with him because of this and we did manage to stay together for another 10 years and have maintained a friendship since splitting but there is absolutely no way that would be the case if I’d tried to stay living with them! Your own teens are challenging enough but other people’s is something else!