Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My first wedding AIBU!

294 replies

narcASD · 18/04/2025 09:23

I know the rules, it’s an invite not a summons etc etc but….
my sister’s son is getting married next year and he and his fiancé have said no kids.
my kids will be 13 & 10 when they get married and are lovely, well behaved girls.

I am very close to my sister and her children, her girls were bridesmaids and her son a page boy at my wedding, I’ve got a good relationship with my nephew.

It is not about finances, my sisters son is a very high earner as is his fiancé so it’s not because they are on a budget, I’ve also offered to pay for my girls if money was an obstacle.

I had a no kid rule apart from immediate family at my wedding, so I do get it, I’m just really hurt that my girls and my niece who will be 14 are not invited. They are kids but not ones to be running around screaming and crying (which is the reason my nephew wants no kids, but more so his wife to be).

my brother is also really upset and said he will not go if his daughter is not invited. AIBU not go myself and upset my sister?

OP posts:
Munchymunch · 18/04/2025 10:45

No kids means no kids. We personally loved having them at our wedding (family and friends, from noisy babies to well behaved tweens and teens!) but that was our choice. What I don’t understand, however, are couples who say “no kids” but then get upset when that means some guests can’t/won’t attend.

TheAmusedLimePanda · 18/04/2025 10:44

I had a child free wedding bar my nephew. My reason was we had a strict number that we couldn’t go over due to our wedding package and children factored into that number. We had to make tough choices between other family members/friends and kids. My nephew was 5 at the time. He stayed down for a few dances then went up to his room with my BIL.
Sometimes it’s logistics rather than not wanting them there.

NoSoupForU · 18/04/2025 10:44

It's their wedding so totally up to them who they wish to have there and why. It isn't about you or your brother, and it isn't a personal affront to either of you as it's a blanket rule.

ttcat37 · 18/04/2025 10:43

You don’t get to be cross about other people’s preferences and choices. Either you leave your children with someone and go to the wedding, or you don’t go. Decline the invite and IF they ask why, simply say ‘I can’t/ don’t want to leave the children’. You don’t get to try and manipulate them into allowing your kids when they don’t want them there. Likewise, they don’t get to be pissy about people declining an invite to their wedding because kids aren’t invited- if you stipulate no kids then you have to expect people to decline.

Hwi · 18/04/2025 10:43

BestIntentioned · 18/04/2025 09:27

I just cannot understand the idea of not having children at a wedding. The whole thing is about celebrating family and being together. It’s bloody bonkers imo. Only in the UK. Can you imagine a wedding in Italy, or just about anywhere else, with no children present? What absolute miseries we are.

But unlike us, they have families in Italy - Italy has the least number of care homes in the developed world. It is still an embarrassment to stick your parents into a care home there, a stigma. I used to think that that was because they were so poor, they could not afford it for their parents, but that is not the case. But the downside is this over-intrusiveness, everybody lives in each others' pockets and the rumour mill never stops, so I am genuinely not sure what is best?

thisfilmisboring123 · 18/04/2025 10:41

narcASD · 18/04/2025 10:36

@beetr00true, I think deep down I’m just sad and a bit hurt

This is what I don’t get.
Why?

It’s not personal.
It’s not just your children they don’t want there.

godmum56 · 18/04/2025 10:40

Usual answer really. The choose who to invite. Invitees choose whether to go. I don't see why your sister should be upset. Its not her wedding.

Edit: your sister is "working on her son" ? Fiancee if you are reading this, leg it NOW!!

Lunchwoes · 18/04/2025 10:39

narcASD · 18/04/2025 10:28

Wow so many replies thank you!

just to clarify, I had no kids rule apart from immediate family which included sister and her 3 children and my brother plus 1, (he had no kids at the time). Also included my husbands sister & brothers kids, as well as husbands cousin with her 3yo who flew in from America.

I have not caused a drama, my sister told me she’s working on her son to invite over 10’s, I said it’s up to them as it’s their day, I’ve not mentioned anything about being upset also not asked if kids could come, I said to my sister is it a cost reason as if so I’d contribute but it was just conversation not a demand.

My brother has 3 kids all under 10, he said he can’t go and I said I’m not sure I’ll go as all the people who could have my kids overnight will be at the wedding. My 10yo could have a sleepover but not my 13yo as she’s really quiet and sadly doesn’t have any close friends.

I would never tell my sister or my nephew that I’m upset, nor would I dream of falling out over it! No drama, I just decline and send gift & card.
maybe i ABU in not wanting to go

Having your sister work on her son isnt fair. You all need to butt out.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/04/2025 10:39

I wouldn't be thrilled in your situation either. All you can do is decline with dignity. If your sister or the couple kick off at you declining that's on them.

crumblingschools · 18/04/2025 10:38

Do you and your brother not have in-laws who can babysit? Can respective partners stay at home and you and your brother go together

Watermill · 18/04/2025 10:38

You are making it All About You and your feelings.

Just accept it and go and have fun.

Gettingbysomehow · 18/04/2025 10:38

YABVU at their age they will be perfectly happy to be without you for a bit. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting an adult only wedding. Suck it up and support your sister.

RanyaJerodung · 18/04/2025 10:37

narcASD · 18/04/2025 10:36

@beetr00true, I think deep down I’m just sad and a bit hurt

I think that's understandable, but there's nothing you can do. I would just go and try to put it out of my mind.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 18/04/2025 10:36

I think you and your brother are being petty af.

Original poster
narcASD · 18/04/2025 10:36

@beetr00true, I think deep down I’m just sad and a bit hurt

OP posts:
paranoiaofpufflings · 18/04/2025 10:36

You’re being ridiculous. You are invited, your kids are not. Do you never go out without your kids? Would you (and your brother) seriously snub what is likely to be the biggest day of your nephew’s life so far over this?

Fundays12 · 18/04/2025 10:36

I had a nice kids wedding and family fell out with me (the same ones who had no kids at there wedding except there own). I got so much grief we ended up eloping to marry. I did not want kids at my wedding and am still glad to this day that we never had them. It's there day and there choice of you don't like it don't go. They can't say to you it's ok to bring your kids but not let other family members take there.

Onelifeonly · 18/04/2025 10:35

Onelifeonly · 18/04/2025 10:28

I understand why you are upset and agree with those who feel children, at least of family members, should be a part if a wedding. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't go.

The only wedding I've been invited to like that since having children (can't account for ones pre then as it wouldn't have been important to me) was my cousin's. We're not close exactly but the rest of my family were going. I was put out by the exclusion of children, but more by the inconvenience of having to find someone to look after them. And it was nice to gave a childfree day actually and get to talk to my relatives without interruption.

In your shoes, I think I'd go and try to persuade my brother to do so as well. I certainly wouldn't want to fall out with my sister. Do your kids really care that much? Do you have someone to look after them?

The wedding we went to was in our city so an overnight stay was not needed. We paid our usual babysitter to look after them for the day. Can you leave in time to get home the same day?

FlakyCritic · 18/04/2025 10:35

narcASD · 18/04/2025 10:28

Wow so many replies thank you!

just to clarify, I had no kids rule apart from immediate family which included sister and her 3 children and my brother plus 1, (he had no kids at the time). Also included my husbands sister & brothers kids, as well as husbands cousin with her 3yo who flew in from America.

I have not caused a drama, my sister told me she’s working on her son to invite over 10’s, I said it’s up to them as it’s their day, I’ve not mentioned anything about being upset also not asked if kids could come, I said to my sister is it a cost reason as if so I’d contribute but it was just conversation not a demand.

My brother has 3 kids all under 10, he said he can’t go and I said I’m not sure I’ll go as all the people who could have my kids overnight will be at the wedding. My 10yo could have a sleepover but not my 13yo as she’s really quiet and sadly doesn’t have any close friends.

I would never tell my sister or my nephew that I’m upset, nor would I dream of falling out over it! No drama, I just decline and send gift & card.
maybe i ABU in not wanting to go

Does your brother not have a wife or partner - the children's mother, who could stay home and look after their kids so he can attend his own sister's wedding?

Do you not have a husband or partner that can stay home and look after your kids, to enable you to attend your sister's wedding? At 13 I think if you're home before midnight, the eldest should be able to stay home and babysit - earning babysitting money, but if not, surely their father can have them? It's your sister's wedding.

pictoosh · 18/04/2025 10:34

You sound so much more reasonable and balanced giving the details on your most recent post.

thepariscrimefiles · 18/04/2025 10:33

narcASD · 18/04/2025 10:28

Wow so many replies thank you!

just to clarify, I had no kids rule apart from immediate family which included sister and her 3 children and my brother plus 1, (he had no kids at the time). Also included my husbands sister & brothers kids, as well as husbands cousin with her 3yo who flew in from America.

I have not caused a drama, my sister told me she’s working on her son to invite over 10’s, I said it’s up to them as it’s their day, I’ve not mentioned anything about being upset also not asked if kids could come, I said to my sister is it a cost reason as if so I’d contribute but it was just conversation not a demand.

My brother has 3 kids all under 10, he said he can’t go and I said I’m not sure I’ll go as all the people who could have my kids overnight will be at the wedding. My 10yo could have a sleepover but not my 13yo as she’s really quiet and sadly doesn’t have any close friends.

I would never tell my sister or my nephew that I’m upset, nor would I dream of falling out over it! No drama, I just decline and send gift & card.
maybe i ABU in not wanting to go

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Your nephew and his fiancee have decided to exclude all children, even family children and older children, from their wedding which they are entitled to do. However, you are entitled to decline, particularly as you don't have anyone to look after your children as they will all be at the wedding.

AprilShowers25 · 18/04/2025 10:33

Inviting them would mean they have to invite all other cousins on both sides and their partners if they’re older and also every invitee’s children. They will have friends they are close to that they want to invite, there has to be a cut off somewhere!

Cynic17 · 18/04/2025 10:33

Daisyvodka · 18/04/2025 09:36

  1. Just because a couple is well off, doesn't mean there isn't still a budget.
  2. They are throwing a party and have decided on a guest list. I'm sure there will be other parties where your children are invited, this isn't a personal slight and to behave though it is would be extremely illogical and cause drama where there just isn't the need?
  3. What a wonderful opportunity to develop a child's resilience, learning that they won't get invited to everything and that isn't a personal slight against them or a comment on their relationship with the person throwing the party.

What an excellent, sensible response!

crumblingschools · 18/04/2025 10:32

It’s the next level down of family who aren’t invited compared to yours @narcASD

Onelifeonly · 18/04/2025 10:32

Maybe the bride has a lot of children on her side? Or none at all. Maybe she has a child relative aged over 10 who is very difficult?