Page 5 | My first wedding AIBU!

narcASD · 2025-04-18T08:23:27+00:00

I know the rules, it’s an invite not a summons etc etc but…. my sister’s son is getting married next year and he and his fiancé have said no kids. my kids will be 13 & 10 when they get married and are lovely, well behaved girls. I am very close to my sister and her children, her girls were bridesmaids and her son a page boy at my wedding, I’ve got a good relationship with my nephew. It is not about finances, my sisters son is a very high earner as is his fiancé so it’s not because they are on a budget, I’ve also offered to pay for my girls if money was an obstacle. I had a no kid rule apart from immediate family at my wedding, so I do get it, I’m just really hurt that my girls and my niece who will be 14 are not invited. They are kids but not ones to be running around screaming and crying (which is the reason my nephew wants no kids, but more so his wife to be). my brother is also really upset and said he will not go if his daughter is not invited. AIBU not go myself and upset my sister?

Inertia · 18/04/2025 11:42

It’s up to the bride and groom who they invite.

However, if that means you can’t go then the B&G / their parents have no right to get upset .

Jungfraujoch · 18/04/2025 11:40

Their wedding, their choices. I’m amazed you offered to pay? How insulting!

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 11:38

Riaanna · 18/04/2025 11:35

Ok. The bride and groom are the ones that get to decide the wedding. No kids means no kids. It doesn’t mean no kids unless you pay / are family / can dance whilst spinning paints. The level of entitlement from people when it comes to weddings really is bizarre.

And for those who don’t get child free weddings, those of us who had a nice civilised day with no crying / screaming / arguing / kid related chaos don’t get your choice. But you don’t see us turning up on every thread expecting you to uninvite kids to keep us happy or criticise your choices do you?

Edited

Excellent points.

Terrapinn · 18/04/2025 11:37

ayonoosh · 18/04/2025 11:19

What a load of absolutely drivel 😂
no one plans a wedding with it being a learning and teaching experience for teenage boys. 😂😂😂😂

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Oh I expect this self-rightous PP did .... invited (and coughed-up £100+/head) all the teenage boys to their wedding to polish up their social skills - and we all have an obligation to do that!

EdithBond · 18/04/2025 11:37

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 18/04/2025 11:19

Actually, it’s incredibly important to bring kids to important rituals. They need to learn how to take part in important social rituals. So what if they would rather be at home watching tv. They would probably rather be at home watching tv that being in a maths lesson. Are you going to allow that. These kinds of attitudes, of excluding kids for social occasions lead to kids not understanding how to participate in society.

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100%. My kids came to weddings and funerals from a young age.

The eldest were there when their younger siblings were born and used to snuggle in bed with my grandmother at the end of her life, then came to her funeral. It’s how kids learn about life. It’s always been the case.

I used to love weddings as a kid. Seeing everyone looking their best, happy and dancing. Some of my best memories.

whatsappdoc · 18/04/2025 11:36

BestIntentioned · 18/04/2025 09:29

I can imagine saying to my child “I’m sorry but your beloved cousin, who you like and thought you got in with, doesn’t want you at his fun party. Arguably the most important day of his life. Yes that’s right. You’re not invited. Even if I pay for you.”

Do you really hate your children so much that you want to make sure they feel hurt and unloved? Crazy.

Cousins are extended family not immediate family, don't be surprised if the bride and groom get annoyed with family members questioning their decisions. Just go and have fun. And good try with no sitters being available as they'll all be at the wedding. Even all your ILs? 😜

Riaanna · 18/04/2025 11:35

Ok. The bride and groom are the ones that get to decide the wedding. No kids means no kids. It doesn’t mean no kids unless you pay / are family / can dance whilst spinning paints. The level of entitlement from people when it comes to weddings really is bizarre.

And for those who don’t get child free weddings, those of us who had a nice civilised day with no crying / screaming / arguing / kid related chaos don’t get your choice. But you don’t see us turning up on every thread expecting you to uninvite kids to keep us happy or criticise your choices do you?

housemaus · 18/04/2025 11:32

I find it so strange that you've offered to pay for them knowing money wasn't the issue. It's very pushy: they don't want children there, and however close you think you are to him, he doesn't feel sufficiently strongly enough about wanting his child cousins at the event to bend the rules. And as it's their day, that's the end of that. I don't see why you're so desperate to get them invited to something where they'll be the only kids and weren't invited in the first place? It'd be very awkward.

Go, or don't go, but surely you can see that "I know it says no children but mine are special" is a baffling approach in 2025 when childfree weddings are very common.

AthWat · 18/04/2025 11:32

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 18/04/2025 11:30

Do you normally discuss things so aggressively? Why are you so angry about the idea of extended family? I’ll leave you to your own issues if you can’t debate respectfully. Hope you have a good day. Peace.

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I see you can't actually deal with the points raised so have taken refuge in "being horrified at the language".

AthWat · 18/04/2025 11:30

EdithBond · 18/04/2025 11:25

This is an interesting pov.

Most kids I know (my own included from being babies), love weddings and parties of all sorts. They love being with adults of all generations having fun.

And most kids can be quiet when they need to be quiet. They do it at school every day. They understand what’s going on if they have it explained to them.

And most kids can sit and eat at a table. The ones who eat at a table at home, at school and are regularly taken to eat elsewhere: other people’s’ homes, cafes, restaurants. If they get fidgety, you chat to them, play little games or read to them.

If you bring up a kid to prefer being in front of a screen (tv, cinema or otherwise), rather than interacting with people socially, isn’t that the type of adult they’re likely to become?

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If the only opportunities you have for your kids to be social and interact with people are other people's weddings, you've probably got problems anyway.

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 18/04/2025 11:30

AthWat · 18/04/2025 11:27

Of course it fucking isn't.

"I want to marry you, therefore our mothers are forced to be friends for the rest of their lives"

It's not individualism that has caused a change in thinking, it's families ceasing to regard their daughters as property to be disposed of in the most lucrative way possible.

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Do you normally discuss things so aggressively? Why are you so angry about the idea of extended family? I’ll leave you to your own issues if you can’t debate respectfully. Hope you have a good day. Peace.

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 18/04/2025 11:28

EdithBond · 18/04/2025 11:25

This is an interesting pov.

Most kids I know (my own included from being babies), love weddings and parties of all sorts. They love being with adults of all generations having fun.

And most kids can be quiet when they need to be quiet. They do it at school every day. They understand what’s going on if they have it explained to them.

And most kids can sit and eat at a table. The ones who eat at a table at home, at school and are regularly taken to eat elsewhere: other people’s’ homes, cafes, restaurants. If they get fidgety, you chat to them, play little games or read to them.

If you bring up a kid to prefer being in front of a screen (tv, cinema or otherwise), rather than interacting with people socially, isn’t that the type of adult they’re likely to become?

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Welll exactly

Hotflushesandchilblains · 18/04/2025 11:27

BestIntentioned · 18/04/2025 09:27

I just cannot understand the idea of not having children at a wedding. The whole thing is about celebrating family and being together. It’s bloody bonkers imo. Only in the UK. Can you imagine a wedding in Italy, or just about anywhere else, with no children present? What absolute miseries we are.

Same!!!!! I have never understood the concept since the whole bloody idea is about starting your new family together. Regardless of what the family you build is going to look like, excluding family members because of age has always seemed really weird to me.

AthWat · 18/04/2025 11:27

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 18/04/2025 11:15

Actually it’s a joining together of families - if you go to a traditional wedding the friends and family there are asked to support the couple - historically weddings were arranged for the benefit of the wider families. It is only in our modern individualistic minds that we’ve narrowed down the people who the wedding is about.

Of course it fucking isn't.

"I want to marry you, therefore our mothers are forced to be friends for the rest of their lives"

It's not individualism that has caused a change in thinking, it's families ceasing to regard their daughters as property to be disposed of in the most lucrative way possible.

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 18/04/2025 11:27

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 11:19

What hogwash.

My family and my SO’s family do not have any reason to interact and aren’t even on the same continent. Were we to marry they would no more be “joined” than the people on the next seat in the tube.

It’s 2025, not 1825. A mobile and global society, not an isolated inbred village.

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And what if something happened to you both and you kids were orphaned? How would that work? Yes, the family unit has been changing in recent years, but that certainly does not mean it has improved. Your comment about “inbred village” is both insulting and nonsensical. If there was inbreeding, two families wouldn’t need to meet, would they?

Imbusytodaysorry · 18/04/2025 11:27

@narcASD i get the no kid rule . Each to their own . Tbh if I got married now I wouldn’t have kids there.
If you are a close family then it will feel like excluding important family members.

Id kind of be honest and say I can’t make it sorry it wouldn’t feel right without the girls/boys .

Original poster

narcASD · 18/04/2025 11:26

@user2848502016its around 80 miles away, I couldn’t leave my 13yo that long, she’s autistic and very sensible but would be anxious to be by herself that long, I think my brother will be able to look after her

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Pippa12 · 18/04/2025 11:26

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 11:15

Perhaps the 10-13 year olds in our family are more intelligent and resourceful. It’s not an issue. Especially now in the days of mobile phones.

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Why on earth are you so aggressive?

As I said, you do you. I wouldn’t put the pressure on my 13 year old to care for a 10 year old for a full wedding day- regardless of how ‘intelligent’ or ‘resourceful’ they are. They are my childREN not my childCARE.

If your childcare idea was so common and normal I’m sure the majority of posters would be applauding your solution.

EdithBond · 18/04/2025 11:25

FlakyCritic · 18/04/2025 11:10

Weddings are for adults, not children. It's not a back garden bbq, it's a formal and sometimes solemn occasion. Many are in formal dining settings, or Adults Only venues, risque speeches etc. I have never understood having kids at weddings; they are bored shitless don't understand what's going on, having to sit still at a table for hours etc. It's torture for them. It's just selfish. Most kids would rather be at home watching a movie or having a sleepover. No kid actually enjoys being dragged to a wedding. I think adults forget what it was like to be a child.

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This is an interesting pov.

Most kids I know (my own included from being babies), love weddings and parties of all sorts. They love being with adults of all generations having fun.

And most kids can be quiet when they need to be quiet. They do it at school every day. They understand what’s going on if they have it explained to them.

And most kids can sit and eat at a table. The ones who eat at a table at home, at school and are regularly taken to eat elsewhere: other people’s’ homes, cafes, restaurants. If they get fidgety, you chat to them, play little games or read to them.

If you bring up a kid to prefer being in front of a screen (tv, cinema or otherwise), rather than interacting with people socially, isn’t that the type of adult they’re likely to become?

Original poster

narcASD · 18/04/2025 11:23

Ok IABU, I can feel sad though!

the offering to pay was a private conversation with my sister, my nephew will be having another wedding for brides side of family (plus his parents and siblings) halfway across the world, where his bride is originally from, hence why I thought mover could be a potential issue, I wasn’t trying to bribe am invite!

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beetr00 · 18/04/2025 11:22

@MyHeartyCoralSnail

"it’s incredibly important to bring kids to important rituals"

For whom? definitely not the children.

All of those who did not attend weddings as youngsters, are diminished, somehow?

skyeisthelimit · 18/04/2025 11:21

YABU. You didn't have kids at your wedding, but now you have some, you expect them to be invited. You have to accept their decision.

I had a child free wedding due to space and cost. I also couldn't attend a couple of childfree family weddings when I had DD, as I couldn't get anyone to look after her. I didn't moan about it, I accepted it as being their choice, the same as mine was.

You just tell your DC that nephew is not inviting any kids to the wedding, so that they know it is nothing personal. They might be sad, but it's all part of life.

Rewis · 18/04/2025 11:20

So the kids in the question are the grooms cousins? Let's forget that they are kids for a second. Have they invited an extended family? I know quite a few instances where they have drawn the line at inviting cousins. Also you invited your sisters children. They are not inviting their aunts children. Very different family relationship. You can't compare that.

If you want to go, can your child's father looks after them? Or if the wedding is local can you leave them home and just go home before they go to bed or make a deal with your brother where you tag ream? Or just don't go. I'm sure they are well aware that people with kids won't attend or they will leave early so they know this will happen.

Tiswa · 18/04/2025 11:20

Terrapinn · 18/04/2025 11:13

and there is the difference you invited nieces and nephews who are immediate family. He isn’t inviting cousins which is a whole different ball game!

Exactly but the OP and her DB can see further than the end of their enititled and delusional noses!

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Yep my cousins are significantly younger than me (23 and 26 years younger) and I have no expectation that any wedding invite will extend beyond my parents.

DH has many cousins and has had varied invites to their weddings from full wedding to evening do to none at all (which as I said we did for ours).

Some people go all in on family weddings. Others prefer to have friends. The Bride/Groom in this case neither want cousins nor children which is a completely fair choice

user2848502016 · 18/04/2025 11:19

How far is the wedding? Can’t you leave the girls at home for the day and skip the evening bit so you can get home? I would leave my 10 & 14 year olds for the day if it was for an important reason- just not overnight yet.
Also do you have a partner? Can’t they stay at home with your DDs and you go alone? If your brother did the same you would be able to keep eachother company