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Original poster

To regret moving DP in to my house

591 replies

JadeySmiles · 17/04/2025 22:30

Hi all, the previous topic isn’t accepting new posts so I thought I’d update here.

We have had the conversation about split of
chores, DP said he can chip in ‘as and when needed’ but he didn’t have a suggested split as I hoped which was frustrating.

He says he feels a bit awkward with getting stuck in given he doesn’t own the house and thinks he will be more comfortable once he is on the Mortgage and asked me when that will be. I said I want to wait and see how things go over the next few months as we get used to living with each other.

He was a bit funny with this and suggested I’m backtracking on an agreement. But we didn’t ever set a timeline. He says his Mum has
told him the funds she/his Dad are gifting are currently in a low paying interest account and if he doesn’t take them soon they’ll fix them for a year so he needs to hurry up if he wants them.

I said this doesn’t change my feelings and we need to see how things go. He seems to be sulking now and has been on his games console in the spare bedroom since dinner, which he criticised and said he’s getting fed up with the same vegan meals. I told him he’s welcome to cook for us tomorrow!!

OP posts:
Original poster
JadeySmiles · 18/04/2025 08:53

I don’t think everyone realises that he isn’t getting added for nothing - he needs to match my deposit/contributions so I am protected. I wouldn’t be that silly.

OP posts:
Duckswaddle · 18/04/2025 08:53

You’re an absolute fucking moron and I’m starting to believe this isn’t real now.

No self respecting woman with her own house would be this desperate for a man.

You’re ignoring everybody’s advice. Why?

HomeTheatreSystem · 18/04/2025 08:52

Very strong likelihood that once he has his feet under the table, flips a duster around and hoovers every once in a while, and you are wholly bound up with him on the mortgage and pregnant he will revert to doing sweet FA in the house as well as you being forced to save for your mat leave to cover your expenses during your "holiday from work."

He was embarrassed enough at his domestic ineptitude to lie to you about it and claim he cleaned his own place on a Friday afternoon when it was his mum all along. Now he's living with you, he has no interest in doing a rota. That's fine once he's got into it and does stuff off his own bat without needing to be asked but he's a long way off that. You already fell at the first hurdle when he didn't do the washing up and you did it instead because you didn't want it hanging around. That's how they get you.

SoScarletItWas · 18/04/2025 08:52

JadeySmiles · 18/04/2025 08:51

I know he’s probably just going to laugh when I show him a rota. When I mentioned this previously (admittedly he was a bit tipsy) all he said was ‘what about a blow job rota’ 🙄

We are meeting friends for a walk in a bit and I’m dreading them asking how it’s going.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST are you trolling us now?!!!

Original poster
JadeySmiles · 18/04/2025 08:51

I know he’s probably just going to laugh when I show him a rota. When I mentioned this previously (admittedly he was a bit tipsy) all he said was ‘what about a blow job rota’ 🙄

We are meeting friends for a walk in a bit and I’m dreading them asking how it’s going.

OP posts:
Gundogday · 18/04/2025 08:49

@iseethembloom

”…whenever you mention adding him to the mortgage, I feel nervous.”

Me too. I feel op will capitulate as dp is blackmailing her. “You put me on the mortgage and then I will ‘help’ out’ “, (with deliberate use of the word ‘help’, rather than ‘do my fair share’, as we all know that the situation won’t change).

Dp should be proving himself now!

If mummy and daddy have got savings for a deposit, then maybe he should go and buy his own flat, and she can move in with him (rent her place out), and be waitered on hand and foot.

GabriellaMontez · 18/04/2025 08:48

'Get stuck in' ???

To what? Have you asked him to put a new roof on? Or does he think as he just lives there you're a sort of mum/landlady figure?

Made himself comfortable hasn't he? He won't get better when his names on the mortgage, why should he...?

Nominative · 18/04/2025 08:43

JadeySmiles · 17/04/2025 22:50

I originally thought if living together this early didn’t work then he could move out and we’d continue with the relationship and try again in the future, but I don’t think that’s realistic now. If I suggested going back on this I think he’d dump me.

What a mess 😫

No, the relationship wouldn't continue in those circumstances. You need to make it clear that in any event it can't work if he thinks you are there to be his servant, therefore it needs to be a 50/50 split in terms of work. If he won't commit to that, you need to dump him because there's no future in it.

iseethembloom · 18/04/2025 08:41

@JadeySmiles
whether he does chores or doesn’t do chores
whether his mum gives him money or not
whether living together flourishes or flounders

…. do not put him on the mortgage EVER (not just ‘I won’t put him on the mortgage “at the moment” / “until things pick up”)

why would you give this man thousands of pounds of what is yours? Why would you knowingly put yourself in a situation where he could force you to sell and lose your home?

whenever you mention adding him to the mortgage, I feel nervous.

TwistedWonder · 18/04/2025 08:38

OP - it seems you’re at a stage where you aren’t ready to see the reality of who this manchild really is and you just want reassurance that you can force him to change and be someone he’s not - you can’t and he won’t. This is who he is - a spoilt lazy entitled sexist who thinks women are on the earth to service his needs.

Rarely have I seen a thread where the responses are so unanimous but the OP just isn’t hearing what’s being said.

He’s shown he’s probably a great bf for a bit of short term fun but he’s a useless partner to build a future with.

You say he’s younger than you - maybe he’s just not got the maturity for a proper adult relationship. Don’t waste your best years on him

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 18/04/2025 08:37

Isthisit22 · 18/04/2025 07:30

Sorry but this is a troll. No one could be this desperate. Reported

It gets to the point of beyond ridiculous.

SoScarletItWas · 18/04/2025 08:32

I feel for you, @JadeySmiles - you are trying your hardest to make this work. But three things I would want to say to you:

You’re heading into sunk cost fallacy territory here. Trying to make the best of a bad situation so as not to ‘waste’ the time you’ve been with him.

He can be a better boyfriend than he is a live-in partner. You’re not compatible in the important areas that keep a shared household running; only on the ‘fun stuff’.

Every day you spend trying to change this one is a day wasted in being free to find someone who is better.

I know it’s upsetting to think that this relationship, which seemed promising, now doesn’t look that way. The thought of splitting up is miserable. But it has to be better than six months down the line when you’re still cleaning his shit off YOUR toilet while he swans off to football.

I’d take the short term sadness and split up, personally. The one thing I would not do is dangle any thought of him going on the mortgage. No. Off the table. Not ‘maybe in a year’. Not ever. Protect yourself.

babasaclover · 18/04/2025 08:22

@JadeySmileskm afraid you won’t ever be in a good place with this one. He is trying to blackmail you to get on your mortgage by doing no housework until you add him - with money his mummy and daddy give him. He’s a man child - avoid like the plague save yourself the future heartbreak and nip it in the bud now.

LillyPJ · 18/04/2025 08:16

It seems our advice isn't getting through. OP making a list of chores is still HER taking charge of the chores and putting him in the child role. (Besides, he obviously won't do them because there will be pub/football/computer games etc that are far more important.) The longer he lives there, the more entitled he will feel and the more downtrodden and exhausted OP will be. It does not bode well.

Mylovelygreendress · 18/04/2025 08:13

If you were my daughter I would strongly advise you to dump him . He is not right for you !

Gimpee · 18/04/2025 08:11

Let's face it she is worried about approaching him on doing housework it his how conversive control works no normal person let's someone move in within months and no normal person would want too

SoOxon · 18/04/2025 08:09

lola006 · 17/04/2025 22:57

As if he’ll do chores once a he’s on the mortgage. This isn’t asking him to pay to renovate a kitchen, it’s his own shit in the toilet bowl! And yet you’re worried about him dumping you?! DUMP HIM.

I told the gist of the original thread to my 17 year old DS earlier, who does way more in our house than your DP, and he thought it was a wind up. So either this is a wind up, or as others have said you’ll be back here in a few years with a couple of babies complaining about your useless husband. Or leave him and find someone better.

@lola006 ! Your perspicacious son has seen through this rage bait.
It’s beyond vexing, offering the OP the benefit of shortcuts only to ‘ting’
realise its not a viable post :
no one of 32 who has been in a house/mortgage situation would
put him on the mortgage
We are in the school/college holiday weeks too of course.

Gimpee · 18/04/2025 08:04

Who on this chat would ask to be put on mortgage after two months and refuse to do housework until you are? Still confused about deposit money the mum is giving him they don't need deposit if already have house. She never mentions her parents vulnerable without parents like tigers picking off the young when no parental support

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 18/04/2025 08:03

FlakyCritic · 18/04/2025 07:35

Of course she is really supportive. She no longer has to clean his house, laundry etc.

Her shifts are over. She's happy he's moved in with you, because now she's free. You're her replacement. And she's grinning from ear to ear. She has never taught him to clean or do laundry, so she knows he won't be doing housework at yours. Why do you think she is so supportive of this?

Edited
Show quote history

Hard agree, it couldn’t be any clearer. OP you need to take note of this. He is the end product of her parenting and the rod will pass from her back to yours.

Autumnnow · 18/04/2025 08:00

I can't believe how nasty a few of the contributors are being to you, when you're obviously a decent person, looking for advice in a situation you're finding difficult and hurtful. So much for the sisterhood.

However this man who may have been a great boyfriend will never be a good partner, he doesn't understand what that means. He's been brought up as a spoilt boy whose mummy has done everything for him including cleaning his crap from the loo. And good news, he's found someone else to take over and she won't have to do it any more, that's your job now! No wonder she's keen to hand him over to you!

It matters not one bit whose name is on the mortgage, two people live in the house so two people divide the chores, if you were renting a flat together, that should still be the status quo, so I think the "well I don't own it" is a red herring he will never share the load, regardless of ownership.

As for the sulking when his new mummy tells him he needs to shape up, well that's a whole new big red flag. Does he know how to cook? Not just his mummy taught him how to open a tin, proper ever day meals?

The good thing is that he's shown his true colours before you're tied into a thankless partnership and joint ownership with a spoilt and selfish manchild.

Good luck.

DorothyStorm · 18/04/2025 07:59

Is him asking you to make a list of his chores not making you feel like his mummy?

and he has also already said the reason he isnt doing them is because he doesn't feel he should have to. Why will you writing a list make a difference?

Rooroobear · 18/04/2025 07:58

Your updates are worse than the original thread. Know your worth, he is telling you what he thinks your worth so listen and get rid. He wants to be on your mortgage?? Which you worked hard to get and he moves in for a couple of months and wants to be on?? Serious cocklodger, who does nothing, loans like a baby but wants half your house. Listen to the advice before you get in deeper. He will not change

Gimpee · 18/04/2025 07:55

He also shows if he doesn't get his way he sulks rather than change his attitude and work with you. The damage it does to any children is immense they need loving stable environment where the parents show respect to each other and are supportive.

LadyLolaRuben · 18/04/2025 07:54

Keep us posted OP. Sounds like you're keeping a level head. However, i think you're being optimistic about his response to sharing life's responsibilities. Hope you get some rest after a difficult night but this all may come to a head this weekend

Newmumhere40 · 18/04/2025 07:48

JadeySmiles · 18/04/2025 07:11

Thanks for all the replies, I’ve read back. Had a awful nights sleep thinking about what to do next, I really don’t want to but I think I’m going to need to approach him with a list/split today and if he outright refuses then I’ll have to be even more firm.

I appreciate all the advice re. Mortgage and can assure you that he won’t be added to this until we’re in a good place and he is pulling his weight. I will look after myself in that regard as it is my home and I’d never want to lose it.

It’s hard because DP has always been such a caring and supportive partner, we had the best times before he moved in, and we’re compatible in every area. He is the only man I’ve ever imagined being able to have babies with and I just want him to be on a similar page as me with the house work.

What areas are you compatible in? You both have fun when you go out, you both like to travel..bla bla bla.

This thread screams that in fact no, you are not compatible at all.

Did you think that 2 months after him moving in that he'd be complaining about the food that YOU are cooking for HIM. Did you think you'd be cleaning the toilet after him? Did you think you'd be making a fucking cleaning rota for him!?!

Are you not MASSIVELY disappointed???

What are you worried about? That there are no decent men out there? There are. You have just not met one in this absolute dick head.