To regret moving DP in to my house

Say yes put you on mortgage money first yoy will not get it but I would check him out too

I don't believe his mum got any money for a deposit otherwise why doesnt he give it to her and buy into place. It just isn't there and I expect his mum lies for him as he obviously controlling person and probably scared of him I hate seeing people being conned. It's not just men women also do this I have to shout out as getting away from this from this is so hard

The ‘I’ll pitch in as and when needed’ should be a HUGE red flag.
What he’s saying is that the chores are YOUR responsibility, but that he’ll be kind and help you out from time to time if you need him to.

That ‘kindness’ will then be used against you in future arguments as an example of him showing how much he cares for you - ‘what? I always help you out with the hoovering when you ask me too! Isn’t that enough?!’

Throw this one back, unless he doesn’t just accept your rota (he’ll see that as him ‘helping you out’), but accepts that the chores are a joint responsibility. No-one is helping anyone out; they’re doing their own share of the jobs.

Wait, won't he gain a financial interest in your house if he is paying towards the mortgage?

I would be very, very careful and seek legal advice. It would be a disaster to lose 1/2 your house, no matter how much fun he's been while dating and getting everything he wants, not having to contribute and having his mum do his chores.
This doesn't sound like a man you want to trust with your home.

If he loves me as much as he says then he will pull his weight - simple.

🤣🤣

If he won’t commit to a fair split then I think you need a really long think about how this will pan out. If he’s not pulling his weight now he’ll be even worse if you had a baby. Will he also not care about splitting night feeds/ sick leave/ what if the baby won’t settle will it always be down to you as the mother to “sort the kids”. This sort of misogynistic “I need to be told explicitly because it’s “not my area”” is utter rubbish and runs deeper than cleaning o assure you.

If his mother is “OTT” now she’ll be even worse when you have a baby. There are red flags waving at you, please notice them at least to put scenarios to him on how he thinks your future will look. Are you actually a team/ partners or is he just seeing a good mother that will sort the house and leave him to live his life without any major ramifications. Just look at all the threads on here daily when women are really stuck with kids in the middle.

Now, that (2nd thread, same old..) I didn't realise.

Thank you @TheFormidableMrsC

He is the only man I’ve ever imagined being able to have babies with and I just want him to be on a similar page as me with the house work.
He will NEVER be on the same page. NEVER. He will say "I'll do it tomorrow " but tomorrow never comes, or he will huff and puff and slam things around, or say he can never match your exacting standards so you maybe as well do it. Look up weaponised incompetence.

I really don’t want to but I think I’m going to need to approach him with a list/split today and if he outright refuses then I’ll have to be even more firm.
HA HA HA HA HA HA. Take if from someone who has personally been there, AND been on the many, many, many threads on here. He won't do it no matter how firm you are.

This.

This op. Please read this over and over again.

If you got sick of his lazy sexist attitude and you then sold, giving him his deposit and half of any equity, what could you then buy? Remember to add all the solicitors fees, stamp duty youd have to cover. Would you be at the same point? Or five years behind where you are now?

The ridiculous bit was you saying it must be fake because nobody would put up with this. Threads like this, five, ten, twenty years down the line from this are on mumsnet every single day.

op is in here 30’s and has invested time she feels she is running out of with this utter piece of garbage. She doesn't want to see he wont change.

He’s made it loud and clear that he thinks youre just a woman who should be skivvying for him.

Even if he puts equally into the house, you will be financially linked to him..
Leaving him will be messy/ costly/ difficult and he will therefore do exactly as he pleases. Do you think he’d be a good role model for your children ?

Your dd to believe she is there to serve men ?
Your son to be a mysoginist ?

Your relationship will become their normal.

He’s an Andrew Tate supporter but ah well.. love is blind !

@Duckswaddle

"You’re an absolute fucking moron and I’m starting to believe this isn’t real now"
🙈 bit harsh there

"No self respecting woman with her own house would be this desperate for a man"
COMPLETELY agree with this though @Duckswaddle 🙂

The only way for OP to account for her deposit and how much she has paid off the mortgage to date is to take the purchase price of the house, deduct how much she has left on the mortgage, get him to match that amount and then they pay 50/50 going forward. Him matching her deposit only will disadvantage her but he would still benefit from property price rises.

Is he matching the equity that may have built up in the house? I would be careful op

so even after reading through every post telling you to dump him, You’ll present him with a chore list to see if he improves?
I can tell you now. He won’t as he doesn’t give a shit about you
He wants an easy ride, with you servicing his every need.
I’m sorry you can’t see this.
When you’ve told him it’s over, please get yourself some therapy before you consider dating again.

@JadeySmiles You need to think very carefully about whether he is future faking you. This should be the honeymoon phase of your relationship where you don't really want to be apart - but already you are pushed to settle for a 1950s relationship based on his misogynistic views

Just in the last week we know

• that he mocks you for nagging "the man" about cleaning
• he blows you off when you want to talk for his mates at the pub (such a cliche)
• he expects dinner on the table but criticised what you make
• cleaning is women's work - you/his mum it doesn't really matter
• he thinks "doing a shop" is splitting living expenses 50:50
• he doesn't want to be "tied down" to any actual jobs
• he wants you to be his mum and tell him what to do....
• when you do tell him what he needs to do he goes into a teenage sulk and stomps off to his x-box like a moody 13 year old

He wants property ownership at little effort to himself - you are subsiding his living expenses yet he is is not saving the money - his parents have already done that for him. So he is benefiting from more disposable income while you and his parents do the boring adult things. His sense of entitlement is gobsmacking!

He is one of these men (and my first husband was like this - I was only 18 when we met) who is absolutely lovely when he gets what he wants but sulks and gives the silent treatment when he doesn't. Living together exposes this so bit by bit you find yourself changing your actions to avoid days of sulking.

The kicker is - that although he is future faking the marriage/children life you envisage. With immature men like these - there is a 50%+ chance that he'll suddenly turn around when you are mid-30s and claim that he never even wanted children (this is what mine did when I was 30 - despite future faking since I was 18). Even if you do have children you can be sure that it will be "women's work" and you will be doing 100% of childcare and that it will be your career suffering for school runs, sick kids and juggling summer holidays.

So thankful I actually married an actual adult 32 years ago who doesn't go along with this misogynistic crap - did his share of cleaning and childcare (even though clueless at the start) - even took himself on a cooking course.

My 14 yo son has AuDHD. He has some gut issues and sometimes it’s messy. He will sometimes (not always) forget to clean it but the second I say “you need to clean the loo”, he does it immediately. He does not expect me to clean it up and he treats me and our home with respect. As I said he’s 14. Not a late 20’s manchild who expects women to do this as a matter of course.

Ew. This guy is a walking ick. DO NOT pass Go. DO NOT collect £200.

I've had three husbands OP and I can assure you they never change. Not ever. I'm single now and very happy. I no longer have husbands who are bone idle give up work or abuse my hospitality.
None of them got a penny from me in the divorce because I made sure I 100% protected my assets.
Love, or should I say lust doesn't last unless both parties pull their weight right from the beginning. If you have to cajole, make lists, beg for help at this early stage the relationship is completely doomed.

If he loved you enough for the relationship to be healthy he wouldn’t have laughed in your face and asked what you expect when you told him you weren’t happy cleaning up his literal shit after him.

If he loved you enough for the relationship to be healthy he wouldn’t have had the unreal audacity to fuck off after eating the dinner you made him the other night when you’d agreed to have a chat and apparently had made it clear to him it was important to you. Without even washing up first.

Your self esteem must be shot for you to think this is worth pursuing or will make you happy. I hope your friends can talk some sense into you before you sleepwalk your way into being pregnant with him.

Honestly she is being really daft. The man is going to be shared drag. It will end acrimonious unless she gives up and does everything herself

This thread is like a slow car crash 😬

I don’t want an answer to this but how does a rota for cleaning shit out of the toilet bowl work? I do it Monday, you do it Tuesday? Most people, including tweens and teens, are fully capable of just doing it when they poop.

I’m still going between this being a wind up and this being yet another example of a woman being taken for a ride.

I’m not being ridiculous. At all. This is thread two of the OP repeating the same old shit despite the experiences of some of us. She doesn’t want help, she just wants somebody to tell her this man is fab and she can change him. I’ve never seen such a unanimous response on MN. Yet here we all are repeating the same things over and over and she’s talking about a rota and blowjob rewards. Come on.