Are my friends right?

She said she works.

Because he's a doctor, I think you need to expect this but she is only looking for a quick message when he's running 3 hours late etc.

Are you married Op? Lots of financial talk in your post but if you aren’t potentially you could carry load during hard years and then him and his pension swan off.
If you aren’t potentially staying together I’d want to ensure you are financially protected and consider paying for help at home.

I think you need to have a conversation about this, maybe while you’re away and your child is in bed. Talk about your assumptions and how it’s making you feel that they aren’t being met. Ask about why he isn’t doing more to communicate and what would help you feel better. Find out what he really can’t compromise on and you need different expectations. Plan how you are going to work towards something that works better for the whole family.

I’m an HCP I sometimes think on the way to my job I’ll txt so and so later or call so and so in my break. I completely forget once I get to work. I find that I get into a mind set from when I see the first my patient through to when I say good by to the last one at the end of the day I focus on them and their concerns and problems I literally don’t think about anything else. I certainly wouldnt think or remember to message my partner or anyone else for that matter unless it was urgent.
If I really do need to call/message someone during the day when I’m at work I have to write a reminder in my diary or set a reminder on my phone.

I can understand how you feel, but kindly, you are making yourself suffer with unrealistic expectations here. You can’t have everything that you want in life/from a relationship and if you can accept the undesirable bits you will appreciate the good bits more. Unless there is actually more to this and he’s not as attentive or loving as you’d suggest the rest of the time. But sounds like you need to work on fulfilling yourself without depending on him, it’ll make you happier in the long run.

Like other posters I can also see both sides. For me, it’s hard to assess whether you are being unreasonable or not without knowing a bit more info. Basically I need to know if he’s staying way beyond the expected shift end time usually or if actually he’s not actually that late, the expected hrs are long. If the latter I think you are probably being more unreadable as being focussed on work when you are at work and not calling in to home is quite normal for many, not just doctors. I have a far more flexible office job and have always been the main earner, so I work full time while DH works part time. My job is quite busy so I rarely have time to call in while I’m at work, and usually only manage a quick text to say I’m stuck finishing something and will be a bit late. At these times I think DH would rather I don’t text and just get on with the work quicker so I can leave. He uses find my phone to check if I’m still at work in terms of timing dinner etc.

having said all that it’s probably worth you conveying your feelings to your partner. Feeling like you are taking all the family burden must be horrible. While your partner may not be able to change the hrs at work understanding its impact on you better would I think help your situation as he maybe able to do more at other times to help you feel less isolated. You said your friends commented he was committed to the family 100% when not at work but do you agree? I have a few mates who have bloody useless husbands so I know where your friends are coming from but my experience being the main earning mother has made me aware that the standards for men and what they do at home are set incredibly low in our society. Many of my friends husbands who work more and earn more literally only do housework when they are told to by their wives (who also work), and one often buggers off doing things like triathlons at weekends without even checking with my friend what the kids may need. These friends get so mad having to manage them like they are boys and I feel so lucky to have a husband who cleans when things need cleaning, and takes an active role in stuff like kids school (eg books parents evenings, sorts the payments)

So basically what I’m saying is does he pull his weight at home to same extent as you when not working. If not, then that should be addressed.

Your friends aren't necessarily right but I think they are good friends to warn you that the grass isn't always greener rather than just agree.

Three year olds are pretty relentless and you've been through a fairly tough period of parenting. It does start to get a bit easier. Of course it's nice to have someone around more but it's still fairly tough.

Plenty of people in non big jobs still have a long commute and have to work weekends. My husband was out 7-7 most days and he drives a fork lift so not life and death but 50 minutes each way and longish shifts.

What I'm trying to say is be realistic about what life would be like if you split.

Is there a certain period of the week you can set aside (even if it has to be on rotation to match his shifts). E.g every Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon so you can plan some family stuff but he has flexibility at other times.

Maybe, but most hospitals allow it, doctors need their phones on them to be able to contact colleagues and access records so a quick text to your wife would NOT be impossible, especially between seeing patients, obviously not while you are attending to a patient.
Doctors are busy like a lot of other professionals but they do get time to send the odd text…..saying that that would be impossible is nonsense and if they are not using their phones excessively it is not a risk to a patient

I'd be really pissed off if my husband expected me to be available at work to text him and vice versa.

As the wife of a hospital doctor they work really long hours and it is very busy. Some days I will get a quick reply and some days it takes ages. He always says, call if it is urgent but everything else just has to wait. Also even though they work shifts often they have to stay longer when talking to patients families or when they have a very ill patient etc. Also I remember when my husband was a registrar it was worse with night shifts much better now that he is a consultant. It is part and parcel of being married to a doctor I think you need to understand his job will be busy and stressful.

A (female) friend of mine is a hospital doctor.

it’s well known that certain specialties are more family friendly than others. She has three kids and her husband works an hour and a half away and also travels internationally for work.

on occasion if kids are ill at nursery she does just have to leave and her clinics are cancelled.

it’s not great and her peers and team don’t like it but if she’s the only parent in the country she’s the only parent in the country.

op, some specialties are much more reasonable than others. A lot depends on where your husband is. But also, if he was the only parent he would just have to cancel operations, clinics etc if they were too ill for nursery.

He’s a doctor. At a hospital. Acting as if you don’t exist when he’s working is his job. Imagine a situation where you take YOUR child in an emergency and the Dr says ‘hang on a sec, my Mrs has just messaged asking me to get some milk on the way home, let me reply to her and I’ll come back in a minute’.

I mean, it certainly sounds tough and I think I would struggle too if I was you. But ultimately he has a great job helping people and earning a good wage for you all. It is the price you pay being a doctor and if he is attentive when with you then that would be my main focus. I think you would regret leaving if this is the only issue. X

Depends where they are working.

Doctors are allowed to have phones on them during shifts, they are just not supposed to be using them excessively, a quick 1 minute text to your wife every once in a while wouldn’t be considered excessive use

All I want a doctor treating me or my family in hospital to be focussed on is my or my families health and wellbeing. Most people want the same. Doctors simply do not have the time for simple chit chat at work and not should they. While they are working their patients are their only priority.

Do you work, op?
Expecting your dh to be permanently able to “be in touch” when he’s working is quite odd.

Ha, I'm a teacher, can't remember the lat time I had a 'lunch time'. I can totally relate to not being able to get in contact for hours.

If he’s a surgeon he’ll run clinics on some days and operate on others. Op could get the schedule… but they have a staff room and coffee making facilities in theatres and are pretty strict about breaks.

Just echoing the above poster that I work in a hospital and phone signal is TERRIBLE and WiFi equally shit so it is genuinely difficult to send/receive messages unless I go to certain parts of the building or outside. I can do this on breaks but sometimes these just don't happen or I need to prioritise food/toilet trips or the less urgent parts of my job that wouldn't get done otherwise. I'm a mother to 2 young children but am very much second contact when at work as fortunately my DP has an office based job with 21st century technology and more normal expectations re. being able to take a casual 5 minutes to make a phonecall. I struggle to reliably leave work on time (often due to legally needing to complete notes/paperwork before days off) so DP foots the responsibility for pick ups too.

However I do hold a lot of the household "mental load" on my days off by virtue of being the person who took the maternity leave and fell into the habit of dealing with the clothes/shopping/medical appointments/birthday party invites etc. This is probably where you need to have a more frank discussion with him as he probably could take on more of this - can he spare an hour to do an online grocery shop a couple of weeks a month or take responsibility for organising birthday/Christmas gifts for his side of the family?

When his phones locked in a locker on the other side of the building?

You've no idea.

It wouldn't bother me at all, and I think hospital doctors are amazing. I completely see why they would want to be hyper focused on the task.

However, I am not you. It's up to you to decide whether this is acceptable for you or not. Obviously, talk to him. But in terms of the messaging, I don't think he should feel like he has to. We all managed before phones.

The key there it "between meetings". Without knowing what OPs DH does, we don't know what he does on his shifts. If he is a surgeon in theatre that's different to an outpatient clinic doctor etc.

what your friends think is irrelevant really. If you’re not happy talk to your husband and see if you can find a way forward (or not).

Don’t be ridiculous, in my very demanding (highly qualified) job I get time to send quick texts without having people wait 3+ hours, he has toilet breaks during hospital shifts, he could do it then, it takes 1 minute!