Are my friends right?

I disagree with a lot of posters. My DH is a hospital consultant and always messages me throughout the day. He is held up a lot at work and never home on time but will at least text to tell me (mostly!)

If you work in a job where you’re on your feet busy and talking all day, you simply don’t have the headspace to be engaged or be interested in anything else. He’s human and he needs to decompress and reset for the next day. If you want him to work less and you work more then talk to him about it, that’s completely reasonable if you can afford it.

Doctors tend to be focused on their work, I find they have a superiority nature and although called caring profession I have rarely seen it, get yourself a hobby so you don't notice he hasn't called

You are married to a work-a-holic who also happens to have a very important job keeping people alive and well.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect contact during the day when all manner of emergencies are kicking off for him.

You need to either reconcile yourself to this way of life or leave. You also need to stop moaning about it and thinking you can make him do things differently if you stay. So you have to genuinely accept this if you do stay.

And I say this as someone who has been married to a work-a-holic (not a doctor) for 20 yrs who often isn't mentally in the house with the rest of us because he is spending all his time thinking about work / reading for work / dealing with work crises.

Sometimes I get to breaking point and cannot bear it, but I definitely cannot change him.

@Ammamamam it's because he is the "main character" in his life.

You do need to think, very seriously, if that is acceptable for your life?

If your hospital-doctor friends are single mums, then no, they can't opt out of picking children up etc.

In a hospital, there's a never-ending stream of new patients coming in. If you are a hospital doctor who does have a partner, I imagine it's very easy to say "Yes, I'll see one more patient" because said patient has been sitting in A&E for six hours and is in pain, and who knows, it could be really serious. I'd imagine many, many hospital doctors keep seeing one more patient if they can, until another two hours or however long has gone by.

There aren't enough doctors. OP, what's happening here is that you're effectively sacrificing your family life for the greater good of the nation! Only you know if you can make your peace with that reality. I don't expect the doctor shortage will be solved anytime soon.

I don't think that being a hospital doctor is compatible with family life, and I think most of them probably have partners who don't work or who have low-stress jobs.

If you want to stay with him, I second the advice here to get some kind of domestic help. Automate everything you can, like bills, and do online shopping. Batch-cook.

I know that none of this replaces his presence. And I hear you - while not the same, my exH was very much not present, for different reasons. It was extremely lonely.

Have you read Love Languages? I haven't, but the concept sounds good. Maybe your love language is Quality Time. If you decide to stay with him, maybe you could try to really make the most of your time together. Throw money at the chores and then throw money on doing things together, whether days out with DD or paying a babysitter and going on date with him.

He does sound lovely but also it's not nice being partnered yet on your own a lot.

Best of luck xxxx

“haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist”

This could be the same for anyone, in any job - he’s busy working. If he was on the checkouts at a supermarket he wouldn’t be able to text you back either!

Imagine you or your child were ill in hospital and needed a doctor, would you really appreciate if the doctor you needed wasn’t there because he was busy texting his wife?!

He's a doctor in a hospital I bet he hardly gets time to use a loo or eat let alone message home.

I think YABU, your issue isn't your DP but what you are doing with your time. I know you work and have a child, so you need to make more use of that.

I'd suggest you do things with your DC - join a club, make new friends. I used to take mine to the ball pit and toddler play after Id finished work or over the weekend if my DH was working. (My DH was in retail). I got time for a coffee and chilled whilst they tired themselves out!

By the time they were in school my DH gave up his job so I could build my career. I worked overseas and travelled in UK a lot. I called home once a day when I was away. I tried to message but it wasn't always poss. He was OK with that and I could focus on my job and not worry about home so much. Like your DP when I got home I was 100% with the kids and we also did family things - meals out etc.

I know you feel you're not supported and alone, but it doesn't need to be like that.

OP sorry I agree with your friends. He is a doctor and can't just message you back on shift. My dh works in a non clinical NHS role and can't just message back everytime I message him because it's simply not possible to. Thankfully I work in schools and also can't just respond whenever dh messages me again for the sane reason. Its actually not an issue for either of us. What is an issue is you expecting him to reply when he is at work. He is there to go a job not reply to you. I would be livid if DH was annoyed at me that I couldn't just reply to him whenever he fancied having a chat whilst I am at work. I think he would be the same if I took to if it was the opposite way round. Enjoy your trip to Disney and make the most of the time you have off together but don't ask him to take time out of his working day to reply to you to have a chat. It's simply not possible in some jobs

If only you could see how ridiculous your comment is. Are you honestly suggesting medical staff never eat or pop to the loo? Of course they can respond to a text.

My son is desperate to be a Doctor. Every bit of research I have done has basically said he will be extremely busy, it will be very hard to maintain a work life balance. The doctors we have spoken to about it have all said the job is all consuming. My boss’s wife is a dr and he has said that on the days she works he is 100% in charge of everything and there is no way she can contact him/ their son. He is fine with that but his wife struggles with how chaotic her job is and is currently off work sick with stress. They have told me to tell my son not to become a doctor.

The reality is a hospital doctor is not going to be able to text general chit chat. They don’t have time to go for a wee or have a lunch break most of the time.
If it’s not the life for you you don’t need to stay with him. You could meet a more present partner.

Your feelings are certainly valid - it's tough feeling like you're carrying the mental load/responsibility for day to day family life. I have similar, although my husband works for the MOD, rather than in a hospital. He can't have his phone on him and works long shifts. That said, he generally can leave when he's meant to. This isn't the case for a medic - if emergencies come in, or he needs to talk to families etc. that has to happen. I've got close friends that are medics, who have mostly married medics - meaning they understand the pressures they're all under. As others have said, the grass isn't always greener on the other side - if your partner is otherwise a good partner and dad, is it really worth leaving to be a single parent unless the relationship itself is over and you don't love him?

What specialty is he? You’ll have to sit down and have a calm, frank conversation with him - it shouldn’t take a mammoth effort to communicate at least once in a day. On a practical level, if school/nursery couldn’t get hold of you for whatever reason, what’s the back up here?( It should of course be DH (either direct mobile or secretary/switchboard))

My DD is an ODP and has said many times that she would never marry a surgeon. They walk into work and nothing else exists in their world until they walk out again. She said that that mindset makes them amazing surgeons but utterly shit partners.

I have already responded quite a few times to similar comments, you can read those if you wish

Seriously? You think a Doctor who works hospital shifts can't be "that busy"?

I think people need to rethink their dependence on constant communications. Only a few years ago if your spouse was at work you were unlikely to have contact until, at the earliest, the end of the shift. If there was an emergency you;d have to call the workplace.

Many people focus better on work if they don't allow themselves to get distracted by phones, even if they are allowed to have them. So they turn them off or leave them in a locker. Or they may do so because they don't want to be a bad example to younger, phone addicted, colleagues.

I accidentally clicked YANBU instead of YABU, in reading your post it’s like you feel like you have a “real” job and your friends don’t….but unless you are the main bread winner so it’s beneficial for the family if you do more hours and DH is home YABU also regardless as to which of the two of you are at work the person at work should be working and not responding to texts from their other half…DH and I would only phone/text each other if there is a serious issue

or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

This was the part of the OP that leapt out at me. OP, could you explain what you mean by this? There's a difference between (a) working late because you have no choice if you want to keep your job, and (b) choosing to work late. Can you explain how you know there have been occasions that fell under (b)?

But you KNEW this was what his job was like. Why would he suddenly have time to chat? You ‘assumed’ but what was it based on? If your friends are telling you the same as posters on here, then I guess you have to accept it.

And I disagree with you. I work in a hospital which has diabolical WiFi and mobile cover. Also working in a hospital means you can’t just stop what you are doing and send a text.

OP your feelings are perfectly valid, don't let people tell you otherwise. It's not your fault your friends married dossers who can't be arsed to care for their families. Having a better salary is no excuse for your partner to opt out of parenting.

It's very hard being with someone who is barely there, I know I was the barely there one at times. I come from a long line of people who are barely at home. While I agree with others that he probably can't answer most of the day but he will occasionally have a break, it is not beyond the wit of man to at least tell you he will be home at x time unless there is an emergency. even if it is when he is walking out the door

And I am going to say I get sick to death of people saying how only certain professions are so damnned important they are pretty much the only ones who are busy, work horrendous hours etc. so get away with not helping out. Lots of professions and industries work long, horrendous hours and are away from home. Plenty of women in the NHS have to make exceptions in their lives, just because he's got a cock doesn't mean he gets out of day to day family life until can be bothered to play at being a dad anf husband, whatever his job is.

Do you think he is doing his best to avoid parenting, or preferring to hang around at work for whatever reason, until he wants to do it?

If not then you are going to have to build a life of your own and when he turns up, well he gets included, outside of that, you are already a single parent.

Well. yes.

It's very often the case that only one parent can maintain an intense career.

I've know a few families where both parents have an intense career in law or medicine - they all used nannies to fill the gap. Which they could afford since they both had high paying jobs.

But where there are no nannies, what's the alternative to one parent being the more flexible, in charge of the home person? Some kind of rule that only people with similar kinds of careers can have kids?

You are unhappy.

If you are open to working witht a therapist, the specifics about why you are unhappy, may need to be explored with a professional, before any decisions are made.

I am the child of a doctor, and sometimes it felt that everyone elses needs were constantly being put in front of mine, especially those really little moments of insecurity.

Its tough, but as you are not especially clear on what you want its hard to say if you are in a good situation or not.

You say he’s fully present when at home?

He can be because he’s also fully present at work.