Are my friends right?

My DH isn’t a doctor but has a very senior and high profile job. When he told me his ambitions for this particular role type o had told him it’s not what I signed up for and not the lifestyle I wanted. But we discussed it at length and I agreed to support his career.

His job means he works extremely long hours and has a big impact on family life. However, when he is home he is very hands on, he’s a fantastic DH to me so loving and understanding and I know he works so hard because he wants to provide for us and financially support our wider families. Honestly, whilst it can be difficult I also really admire him too.

I chose to go part time when we had DC and he was really supportive of this despite it making things tight financially at the time.

I think if you want the relationship to work, this needs to come with a lot of acceptance for his position.

Rubbish! OP is the issue, she married a doctor and long hours go with the territory! He’s called to an emergency in theatre what does she expect him to do phone her. No doubt she lives telling the world she’s married to a doctor and will love the lifestyle when he establishes private work once he’s a consultant. If he not wanting to come home maybe he’s fed up of her whining!

I don’t think either of you is necessarily wrong. He has a job that is also a vocation and involves long hours. I’m in a similar career and there’s a reason why people in my field (and I think it’s true for doctors too) tend to marry each other. I think you won’t be able to change the approach to his job (and would you want to?). He’s clearly passionate about his work. But you need to have an open conversation, your concerns are valid too. Could he send you a quick text if he needs to stay late at the hospital? I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

Also, the fact that he earns a high salary is neither here nor there. It doesn’t mean you need to hide your unhappiness just because he brings in good money. But would it make your life easier if you hired a cleaner or nanny to help with your load?

He chose to have a child too - this wasn't just on the OP, so I'm not seeing why it's okay to make parenting primarily her responsibility. Everyone's work is important - it pays the bills. And OP isn't married so propping up his career isn't something that has a guaranteed benefit for her - she needs to keep her own career propped up.
I wouldn't be happy at constant lateness home - it's him making the assumption that OP will pick up his parenting slack and that's rude af!

He’s a doctor! Also hospitals have very clear guidelines about using mobile phones at work for personal calls. If she wanted a husband with a 9-5 job, she should have found one! No doubt down the line when he’s established private work, she’ll love the money and lifestyle that comes with it! OP sounds very shallow!

Am so glad we've got @Hastentoadd on the thread to come and educate us on the ins and outs and people's availability in all jobs! Everyone has time in between some appointments to send a quick text @ElleintheWoods can I add military to your list? Although am off to have a stern word with dh and tell him it was clearly balderdash that he wasn't in constant contact when deployed!

But is a consultant's role less stressful than a younger doctor's?

I think you need to have a very honest talk with your husband @Ammamamam & tell him exactly how you feel. Some things can’t be helped with his behaviour but others probably could change and as a PP has pointed out, were he a single parent he would have to prioritise being home more.

I would say he loves you but loves his job too, maybe a bit too much. He probably feels the patients need him but you also need him and it sounds like he is prioritising work at the moment at the expense of his family.

Your friends may have low expectations of their husbands but you have higher expectations & rightly so. You are equals in the marriage.

Oĥ, and the phone thing - why do you need contact while he is at work? My husband began his career pre-mobiles, so could be living in for days without me hearing from him - totally normal.
Even in this era, his phone is probably in a locker or switched off - which, if I were a patient, is what I would expect.
Contact is only for real emergencies - basically, someone has died! He does not have time, or energy, to chat.

OP hasn’t said whether she’s married, for her sake hope she is!

They’d function in the same way they did 25+ years ago before mobile phones were invented?

They probably are right. But, OP, if you've been living with a doctor for all this time, how could you not know that the job always comes first? He hasn't suddenly changed his career - this is what you signed up to.
This job and family life are really not compatible - hence divorces, suicides, illness etc. It was certainly part of the reason why we stayed childfree.
Enjoy your life with your child, support your partner, and you'll be glad youbdid it in a few years' time.

You sound needy. You married a doctor what did you expect?
His salary will bring benefits and he sounds like a good person.
There are compromises in every marriage it just whether you can live with them.
Do not kid yourself that the grass is always greener.
The schedules should get better as he becomes more senior but the life is not for everyone because the job does encroach on family time.
It takes commitment, dedication and constant focus.
You need to talk and see if you can reach accommodations .
Have a lovely break in Disneyland.

Hospital doctors often barely have time to grab a glass of water or go to the loo, let alone text home.

Everyone here is reacting as they are because he literally has one of those jobs where him not being fully attentive to his job affects people’s health. Saying that I disagree that you should feel grateful for your own hardship (essentially not having any help or a person with you when you got married intending on being a team) because you can have more money. This to me is an example of more money does not equal happiness. I don’t think you should leave though, I think you need to properly talk

Presumably he was a doctor when you met him? You'd know that if he were to become consultant, it would be pretty much a 20 hour a day job?
You've been with him 8 years, had a child for 3, you it's not like much has changed, except your expectations.
What are you expecting him to get in touch about during the day? And why?
I fail to understand this contant need for communication if a person is away for over 190 mins. How would it work if their oh was a deep-sea driver.

No two people are the same if you need a text or call then tell him

I understand why you’re feeling put out but I do think YABU in a way. I have DC, but my career is very, very high on my list of priorities. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, work does get priority over home.

My DC have another perfectly competent parent, and when I’m home I’m fully at home. I make decent money that allows us the life we have but that comes with time compromises.

YABU to a degree.
Go and have a fabulous holiday then when you’re home again talk to your partner about how you feel and see if he can make some changes to make you feel better.

Having spent a lot of time in several hospitals over the years with DH and his life limiting illness I can assure you, you are totally clueless.

Whilst I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like op’s, I am very grateful to all the very, very dedicated medical staff who go above and beyond, miss toilet, tea and lunch breaks, and put patient care above all else whilst they are in the building.

Your friends might think your life is too good to complain about but they aren't living it. They might not mind having more money but less husband presence. But you do, so their advice doesn't apply.

I suggest having a serious conversation with your husband and considering marriage counseling if that doesn't fix this. If he's not connecting with you when he could, he might be checked out of the marriage and you'd want to deal with that and probably get professional guidance on getting your marriage back on track. Good luck.

It is if you're performing surgery and cant whip your phone out to answer a text.

This sounds quite lonely, but on the flip side he sounds like an incredible father, and hard worker, on top of his busy work schedule. And, what a strong, amazing mother too!

My father worked away for months at a time, and it was hard for all of us being away from him, but I was fortunate to never lack for anything, which so many others did. My exh also travelled away for work, but we didn’t have dc. I had come to enjoy my alone time & kept busy, but knew ahead that when we had children, the reality would be me doing most of it. This is the case for my friends whose dh are doctors, or have jobs that take them abroad, or away for extended periods.

My mother didn’t have a job, bar the ft job of looking after us, running the house etc. Many of her friend’s husbands/family members were in the same line of work, and that’s just how it was… The women built a strong social life, did the child rearing, and weren’t in employment - different times. Would you consider cutting down your hours or going PT? From others in similar situations, it seems the way to go. As for the comms, you need to talk about it together to see what’s possible.

Could you make friends with some doctor’s wives? What about this situation is within your control?

Personally, I would get additional help like a cleaner, and childcare & cut down my hours, or take a career break for a while whilst the DC are young. Perhaps minimise the amount of time you spend cooking/cleaning by prepping or batch cooking so that it feels a bit easier in the evenings.

Make sure you’ve got some holidays, dates & 1:1 time planned that you can look forward to.

Pragmatically speaking, if you split up, you’ll be in the same boat, unless you get a new partner, but I imagine the majority of the childcare would be with you still.

Do you have any idea what doctors working in hospitals do???

If you are ambitious and your career development is suffering because you don’t have the same amount of child free time to dedicate to your work as your husband, then you have a point. But this should have been discussed prior to having a child so that you both had more equal chances of progression. Was there any such agreement ?

His job is very intense if he’s a hospital doctor. The burden of responsibility on him is incredibly heavy. I wouldn’t be expecting much, if any, day to day support as his wife as I wouldn’t want to stress him any further. He has to prioritise his patients for the periods he’s at work. That’s what he is paid for. He has to be accountable at all times. His phone must ping all day long with emergency requests for his decisions and expertise and it’s notoriously impossible to leave on time. You will have already known this. Maybe your own job carries a similar burden of responsibility in which case you already understand why he shuts off during his work hours and finds it hard to get home on time or text you to let you know when you are likely to see him.

OP, it’s hard on you as a working mum with a three year old but it does get easier tiny bit by bit each academic year…..the mental load and the loneliness while he’s working are bound to affect you.

Only you understand the balance of benefits over hardships of living with him and if it’s really worth thinking of leaving him. I personally think you would be even more lonely if you did leave him and possibly less well off too depending on your own income of course.

But I do think it would be better to talk to him about your feelings -as well as to your friends.

If he’s a good husband and father on the occasions when he is at home, giving you the attention you need, then I’d be inclined to give the same advice as your friends and if possible, to lower your expectations of support from him during his working week, unless it’s an emergency.