Are my friends right?

Just from reading OP, you sound like you need a break. I've been a single parent and it is hugely exhausting, even with just 1 kid. I know technically you aren't a single parent but I think what you are expressing is that you increasingly feel like one. I think perhaps getting a cleaner, hiring a babysitter for a date night, having a weekend away with friends to relax and sleep would help. The younger years are very intense and it just sounds like you've reached a limit due to being at home with it non-stop.

Very true, and that's particularly an issue in cases where the couple aren't married, which it sounds like here.

I think a setup like this has to be agreed and under regular review, and the party who takes on 100% of the parenting to let the other focus on work and earn more needs to be protected.

I’m in healthcare and it’s a rare day I could be on my phone at all during work. My kids schools/minders have a landline (admin answered) number to call in an emergency but it’s not a “check in”. I condense hours and am PT (30+ hours) to allow me to see my kids. I’m senior now so don’t have to be “on call” etc. and this has also meant I’m less likely to be handed tasks at 7.45pm (just before leaving) but still sometimes emergencies happen.

DH also works v long hours in a different field - we split the week so each weekday morning and evening only needs one of us home, and we get one weekend day off all together. His intense months I try to take on more.

Honestly, I love my family but when I’m in work - I know they are cared for/safe, so I don’t tend to think about them. My focus is on my work and those families. I love what I do. I know some would say it’s disconnected, but I see it as playing a part in building the type of world I want my kids to grow up in.

It sounds like you really need to talk to your partner, about how hurt you feel. In our home we constantly discuss ours/each others expectations - if tasks aren’t shared (fairly isn’t always equal) and can’t be, can family/paid for help be used (we had to swap nursery for childminder as an example, as it gave us more flexibility). Which bit of the weekly routine are you missing him in? If you are missing time for you, can he give you that at the weekend?

What he can’t do is suddenly work 9-5, and holding onto a resentment around this, could end your relationship. So you need to talk and plan and work out what you need for you/your little ones (and how you can get it).

it’s miserable being at home feeling sad/angry, and brave to have shared with your friends. I’m sorry their response didn’t feel supportive. I think we all come to parenting with our own stuff! I haven’t written my post to justify your DH’s actions, but to try to capture how thinking outside the box for us, has made a big difference to how we feel about work, parenting and our relationship.

There are jobs where you don't use a phone during the day. Many of them far less important than doctors.

Agree but even when he was going through the gruelling junior doctor years he still was able to keep in touch. Doctors use their phones/whatsapp for everything these days

I’m sorry but your friends a wrong. You may find that when you do speak to people about your situation you will get a lot of opinions based on their own projections. The bottom line is that you are not happy. Others might be in your situation but you are not and your reasons are justified.

perhaps have a think about what it is that you want, is it reasonable and achievable and is there space for compromise on both sides?

I was in your exact situation a few years ago, we had a lot of other problems but the resentment that I felt towards him as a result of me facilitating his career and essentially being a single parent didn’t help. There was absolutely no other options though as he stonewalled when I bought it up. We are now divorcing and the disparity in our earnings is huge.

You seem, from your first post, to have been looking for your friends to give you the validation, approval to leave him, and they didn’t. If they had, would you? If that’s how you feel, then leave. You don’t need someone to tell you it’s ok to.

No it’s not. Several of my friends are doctors, one had her babies while she was a junior doctor. The hours were long and she needed complete focus at work but that did not mean she was not in contact with her family.

This is not a doctor thing it’s a Big Man with an Important Job thing.

I have no personal experience of this as me and DP both work office jobs, but DP's sister is married to a policeman.

They've been married 2 years and already spent 6 months of that apart because she really struggled with not seeing him. She now goes to crossfit with him so that she gets to see him at his hobby otherwise she barely gets to talk to him all week. Same thing as you, when he's at work it's like she doesn't exist.

She knew what this was like before they got married but it felt worse to her once they were married.

They don't have children yet and it'll be interesting to see how she feels if they do.

Ultimately though, after their 6 months apart she still felt she was better off with him than without and they're now back together.

Just another experience to add to the mix.

OP are you sure you're not imagining a "perfect alternative life" because you are frustrated with the life that you have? What if you left him, and ended up single for years? Or dating a single dad who naturally has to prioritise their children over a relationship with you?

I'd recommend some therapy, perhaps even couples counselling, to try and navigate the best way forward. I think you are romanticising what your life might look like. It will be expensive and lonely! Are you miserable enough in this relationship to want that? Not to mention, you'll be forever tied to him because of your DD - which will make moving on that much harder.

Just be careful and really think it through. You have a good and stable life, from what you have described- even if your DH isn't around as much as you'd like.

You're very unreasonable to wait until you've already had a child to decide you don't like his job. I don't work at a hospital, but when I'm at work it might be that I can't use my phone for 3 hours or more; I do reply when there's time but it's common in lots of professional careers. Given you can assume he hasn't left until he can text, I'm not sure what value it gives you? I suspect you'll roam off regardless, but it'll be the biggest regret of your life. And your DD's, but oh well.

I used to have an intense time critical job and if someone phoned at work and I found it wasn’t critical work stuff I would have to put down the phone immediately - think ‘sorry can’t talk’ bam

its the same for a doctor. He’s clearly immersed and can’t breakaway but he sounds very present when he is there

i do feel you need to be more grateful and more understanding

I am a doctor in a hospital and also a single mother who is lucky to have excellent family support. It’s placement dependent, but I often end up not having time to go for a wee or drink anything while I’m at work, let alone check my phone, and when finally leaving it can be hours later than scheduled. It is often very stressful and impossibly busy, and it’s sort of survival mode where it really is hard to think of anything else. I mitigate it by being part time and trying to fully switch off from work when at home (though this is to the detriment of career progression as I’m not writing papers or revising for exams - both of which are necessary to have a hope of progressing). If I had a partner I would feel bad for them; I do feel guilty with regard to my family. If your husband is fully hands on when he’s home, I think that might be the most you can hope for; but it’s also completely reasonable not to put up with it (but it may be he can’t really change much unless he leaves the profession). Other doctors may disagree with me; I’ve also heard one gets a little more control over things after moving up the ranks etc.

I think consultants often have more capacity at work than the junior doctors tbh

Seriously? If you split from him he won’t be home at all! His work, his vocation and the kind of person he is to want to do it and be able to do it is a massive part of his personality and life, and surely you understood that at the very start. The financial benefits are a bonus.

Maybe work on what you do with dd when dh can’t be around. Find some new interests, have fun.

Have you ever worked a shift in a hospital? Myphone was in my locker, I did 14 hour days, it could easily be 6 hours between getting a sip to drink, never mind checking my phone.

a doctor checking their phone in the middle of everything would absolutely get torn a new one.

he’s a good dad at home, and doing his job at work, you’re being really unfair.

Exactly tthis. You need to change this situation. He takes on more reaponsibility with his child so you can progress in your career too, or you need to be married.

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone.

you are the nanny. And housekeeper. You Fe in a very weak position. If it wnds what will you walk away with financially? Because you will not be able to rely on him to allow you to work.

Even hospital doctors get breaks you know. Obviously there will be super busy periods when he can’t get to the phone, but he should be capable of sending a quick message just to let OP know he’s going to be late or whatever.

What are his hours then? What time does he finish work - you said he stays longer than needed - why is that - does he need to be needed - is he avoiding family life - is he a workaholic- is he a poor time keeper - it's tough as I'm sure you feel like a single parent and that's what you did not sign up for.
It doesn't sound like your looking for too much from him - basic communication but yes surely he can't be soooooo busy that he cannot take a 5 minute break to check in with you. Also legally he needs to take a break.
Being a hospital doctor I'm sure has it's time frame ie going for a higher grade and doing 9-5 in some area of speciality.
Yes you need to be honest about and express YOUR needs clearly.

I kind of wish I could swap my DH for yours OP. The way you describe your relationship is exactly what would work for me. I truly don’t see the problem - he’s a hard worker, in a great career, leaves you to have your own career and run the house how you like, is financially secure, is attentive when home and you are off to Disneyland tomorrow - I’m green with envy!

Please explain what the issue is again.

@Horserider5678 It’s not rubbish to say OPs husband probably could communicate better with his wife and we don’t know that he has to operate in theatre. Even if he does that wouldn’t mean he is never office based.

My husband uses to work in restaurants and I never used to hear from him. Then I got a job there and I understood why. He simply didn't have time. Maybe your hubby doesn't have time to message. I imagine his job is very busy. And if he earns good money he's providing and is hands on at home you're very lucky.
My hubby didn't even provide properly as he was so low paid lol.

I agree with your friends
We all know how busy doctors in hospital are , obviously he can't ring you when it suits you

I’m of age when I spent longer in work pre mobile phone than post mobile phone
its astonishing how much we’ve taken for granted the ease of connection since mobiles and think it’s strange when people can’t be contacted instantly, expect instant responses and communicate the most minor things
itreally isn’t that long ago when you went to work and couldn’t be contacted until you back home again. If there was areal emergency you had to ring a central reception to track someone down…but that was emergency like kid has become unwell, needs picking up
i think the op needs to stop expecting dh to be instantly contactable…the idea he can text back it only takes a second, is nonsense…if you’re trying to concentrate, or fielding lots of information coming at you, or needing to perform tasks with your hands, or are talking with clients/customers/colleagues then picking your phone up and reading a text is unacceptable
30 years ago it wasn’t possible : we survived, emergencies were managed, and people sorted out stuff like domestic arrangements, holidays, what’s happening tomorrow whilst they were at home…they just had to be more organised, and actually talk face to face.

there’s a different issue re how much time he’s at work, and checking out re family responsibilities…that doesn’t sound good, but he’s a doctor …. But complaining to him he doesn’t pick up phone is not acceptable…he shouldn’t need to..sort stuff out when he’s not in work, and stop bothering him so much with random text in work time when he’s paid to work, not figure out what’s happening in Disneyland

Female doctors are not going to be able to message during work hours either. It’s the nature of the job.