Are my friends right?

During breaks between cases, DH is typing in the operation notes and ensuring everyone else is sticking to the plan for the next case. He literally perches on a chair outside his theatre to eat his lunch to make sure the next patient is being sent for. It’s not all as easy as that. Sure on clinic days there would potentially be “time” to text, but with an overloaded clinic being the norm and people waiting over an hour past there appointment, in reality, there isn’t

I don't agree with your friends. From personal experience medical jobs can be very full on, especially on calls for junior doctors (not sure if your DH is still in training or not). So I have some sympathy with your DH. Also when he is actually working, unlike with some office jobs, it probably is unrealistic to expect him to answer text ect all the time (you may not expect this I wasn't quite clear from your message). Obviously his work won't be as felxible as some other jobs. He should definitely let you know if he will be delayed at the hospital though at the very least and respond in an emergency of course.

Plenty of doctor mum and dads do make it work, leave the hospital for pick ups, equally parent. Many are doctor couples, where both have to arrange pick ups, sort out cover when the child is sick ect. I am sorry I haven't read all the posts, but obviously talk to him about how your feel. You shouldn't be expected to just support his career, you should be supporting each other. It may be that this is happening to some extent, but if you don't perceive you are getting enough support, especially if it is always you picking up the slack and doing the life admin, you need to discuss what needs to change to make your family work for all of you.

With some medic couples I know neither work full time. Reducing from 10 to 8 or 9 consultant sessions can make very little impact take home pay once you consider tax and free childcare eligibility. Others have a nanny to make things easier (obviously expensive). It may be he just needs to understand all you do though and you both think about what changes he needs to make to support you more. Just because he is a doctor doesn't mean he can't contribute equally to family life and he shouldn't be using it as an excuse. Lots of men who are not medics also don't contribute equally to family life of course, but that doesn't make it right and is irrelevant to your family situation.

Hello OP,

I am a health care professional married to a consultant hospital doctor.

There are so many responses telling you that you are unreasonable and needy, and that you're demanding all-day-long inane chitchat, just because you'd like a basic level of communication. I'm sure you know what is appropriate and realistic according to his specialty/work patterns/environment. It is not unreasonable to want to know when the father of your child will be home from work, when they are showing up hours past finishing time.

Being a couple is one thing, sharing a family together is entirely different. The expectations of fathers and mothers seems woefully mismatched.

People will always expect both you and your spouse to be a martyr because of 'doctor'. You are expected not to complain, and to have somehow had a crystal ball that showed you exactly how your life would look and feel, in relation to his career, despite the fact that we are living in an ever changing world, with increasing pressures, and that we are also living persons who change throughout a lifetime. Submit and resign yourself, seems to broadly be the message.

People will also assume you have pots of money to buy in help, in place of a having a present father, or family, or indeed a 'village' to raise your family in.

It's all bollocks.

Both of you can be wonderful people, trying really hard, and it can still be utterly shit.

Those issues don't just go away, so it is ok to ask these questions and to see what can be shifted, if anything.

From someone who is 10 years further down the line from you, I'd like to say it gets easier, but it hasn't so far for us. Parenting teens is no less time consuming or intense- the demands are just different. Midlife hits, and years of stress culminate in burn out. An inability to have boundaries at work, and at home, about how much one can manage, doesn't work out long term for anyone. The hole gets deeper and the roles are harder to shift. I am default parent, who has sacrificed my own career to fill every gap and spin all the plates at home. My husband is on his knees and struggling to function, with an unreasonable workload. We are both exhausted, and definitely not thriving.

Is that really what people want of the doctors caring for their loved ones?

For what it's worth, the younger generation of doctors do seem to have a healthier ability to set boundaries and achieve work-life balance. I hope so, because the alternative isn't sustainable.

So keep asking the questions, and take care of yourself, as much as you can.

Fantastic post.... 100% agree!

Is he an NHS doctor. They are in short supply. Think they are worked so hard and maybe feel bad leaving colleagues to cope in emergencies. Not that that helps you. Have you spoken to him about how you feel. Why is he always late. Etc. Understand you're living a lonely life, but maybe a sympathetic ear before you decide to leave. Can you pay a cleaner with the extra money so at least you're not doing everything. Good luck, hope you make the right choices.

I think there are too many questions to give you honest advice.

Do you both do proportionally the same amount of housework and childcare (allowing for differences in working hours).

Is he staying late at work having a brew and a chat or actually working?

Is he not contactable through the nature of his role or is he choosing not to check his phone all day? Do you have a way to contact him in an emergency? Do you mean he doesn't message to see how your day is going, or he doesn't check in when something important has happened (serious medical appointment etc.).

Have you been pressured to put your career second or is it more flexible to allow for pickups/something you've chosen to step back.

Do you both have equal access to money?

Yes and no. Some people - many people - do make this kind of trade off. Staying married in exchange for safety / security / money / protection / "for the children".

On your related point, you've made the mistake many of us do in expecting someone to change once life circumstances change. That rarely happens.

By all means, talk to your DH about how you feel and whether there are changes that can be made so your marriage is happer but, if this is the way he has always behaved, it's unlikely he's going to change. It's up to you to decide whether you want to be in a marriage that's a trade off, and whether the trade is worth it; or whether you want something different.

Why did you want your friends to validate leaving? I suppose your friends are thinking that If the alternative were being a single mum and doing the entire lot alone because you won't have time for dating and it's often harder finding a new partner when you have a child anyway, would leaving such a comfortable lifestyle which brings so much stability still be so appealing?

Have you discussed it with him? What changes would make you happier?

I should bloody well hope that when a doctor is at work his entire focus is on that. Being a doctor brings all kinds of stress, but it sounds as though he doesn't bring that stress home with him, which is why you don't seem to be aware of it. He sounds really great if he can do a job like that and still be a great parent.

Sorry pressed too soon.
Maybe when you're back you can have an honest convo with DH. You're not wrong to feel how you feel but depending on whether he's in a challenging field of medicine and where he is in his career I don't know how much he can arrange a better work/life balance.

You aren’t being unreasonable, it’s about what’s acceptable and tolerable for you as an individual. If this affects your life and you are starting to become unhappy it’s time for a talk. If things really can’t change then it might be time for a change.

There was a time before phones where it was incredibly rare to be in touch during the working day. Unless it’s really urgent then I see no reason to contact each other. I had a decent enough job. DH however had a very well paid job that meant he would be away overseas sometimes and with no specific pattern. We could have also ended up having to move overseas. We didn’t fortunately. He was great when he was about but sometimes he would be off for weeks, he covered huge parts of Asia in his role. My friends would say they couldn’t put up with it but we were both established in our jobs when we met just before we were 30. It has afforded us with a great lifestyle and very early retirement.

When DH was around he did everything for the children. Seems like similar types of DH for us. Was fine for me, I suppose you can’t help how you feel. But you need to get your head round it otherwise I see resentment and you would be a prime candidate for needing a shoulder to cry on and there lies madness sometimes if any of those shoulders are men.

I think your friends are wrong to say you just have to accept it and their crap DHs have set the bar very very low for them.you can make your own choice.

Having said that, I would not expect a hospital doctor on shift (caveat depends on exact nature of his job) to reply to texts/have significant contact. How much family time and time for you do you get in an average week? How could you compromise to come to a solution? What does he say if you discuss it?

Your friends views say a lot more about their situation than it does yours.

How do you feel about the relationship? Do you know or are you torn? Could you do some counselling to help you work out how you feel?

Friends DH is a surgeon at a London hospital and she pretty much raised their DC on her ownas he always seemed to be on call and uncontactable. She had her DPs nearby to help her with the DC as she unsurprisingly got PND. Even now he's retired he still goes in to teach so even now he's not around 100%. Their DC are at medical school and understand that health care role is a huge commitment and lifestyle. If you work in a non-emergency medical field you might have a better work/life balance. Mosti imagine marry within the medical field as they understand the stress of the work and life outside.

My dad was a hospital doctor and it was very common for him to be several hours late home or for him to get phone calls in the middle of the night when he was on call. I’m sure the only reason my mum knew where he was half the time was because she worked in the same hospital!

However as he worked his way up and became more senior, it got a lot better. He didn’t have to do as many on calls, worked a much more 9-5 type job and was much more available if needed.

It’s unfortunately one of those jobs where you can’t just drop everything and go home unless it’s a genuine emergency. I still remember being admitted with a nasty head injury and dad popping in to see me between his ward rounds!

Maybe it’s a case of you readjusting your expectations slightly but your DH could also be clearer about his hours and schedule so you know roughly where he is and when to expect him. You can always call switchboard and get through to him that way if it’s a genuine emergency.

@Horserider5678its not 1955 - the OP has a job of her own, she doesn't need to be boasting that her Dh is a doctor! Why is that even something to boast about? I don't think he's her husband either - she has no guaranteed financial advantage from his job.
If he's routinely late home from work, without do much bc as a text, then he's absolutely relying on OP to pick up his parenting slack snd that's disrespectful. It's very much "I'm a man with a big important job and I don't have to both myself with asking OP to do extra".
What would he do about working late if he was a single parent and he had to get the child from nursery or a childminder? He'd find the ability to make phone call pretty quickly then, I'm sure!

I don't think your friends are right in that you shouldn't just accept things because their husbands aren't as hands on and don't bring as much money into the household; but gently, perhaps both of you have some expectations to reset.

Is there any reason you require him to be in regular contact when he is at work? Honestly it's relentless at the moment and unless he's in some sort of unicorn speciality and setting, chances are he doesn't have much of a break or chance to message. He should let you know whenever he can what time he will be home though. Only you know if it's a deal breaker, the fact he is switched on outside of work and attentive (as he should be as a husband and father) would personally be more important to me than him working a lot- but this is about how you feel.

Sounds like you need to have an honest conversation, but for him to feel like he can discuss contact expectations openly as well.

Not least because OP doesn't mention them being married. If so, that furthers the point, because being the partner who's taking on a disproportionate domestic share whilst supporting the other's career makes her more vulnerable, means she's getting a rawer deal.

No they don't! I'm a teacher I can't have my phone in the classroom. Sometimes I go all day without being able to check my phone let alone send messages. Break, lunchtimes there are often meetings/prep to do. I imagine a hospital doctor has it much worse. It's hard for OP but this is the deal with a job like that.

I don’t think he’s in the wrong given his job but it’s also not wrong for you to be unhappy with it. You’ve got to decide if being married to a doctor is the life you want or not.

What does your DH do that makes the OP’s scenario preferable?

She’s not able to pursue a career to anywhere near the same extent as her DP, because she’s the one who has to do all the nursery runs, mealtimes, bedtimes, weekend cover, sick days etc etc.

In the OP’s position, I would be looking for marriage for a start, so I could at least have some security and financial compensation for the fact that I am doing all the donkey work of child-rearing and taking a hit on my career.

I would also possibly look to employ a part-time nanny to help in the evenings.

Isn't this like complaining that your travelling salesman partner is away all the time. A Doctor is busy dealing with sick patients whilst at work and doesn't have time to pointlessly check in with others. Why would they need to unless an emergency. Additionally they can't just leave at a set time if in the middle of something medical. Surely you must know this.

My husband isn't a doctor , and I felt the same when I had two very young children at home . It can be lonely . It's like we all vanished when he left for work . We had numerous arguments about this , I didn't expect him to ring for a chat anything like that but check in once in a while would have been nice . At times I felt like i was only here for the childcare .

now the kids are teens it's not so bad , and I can joke about how we vanish the minute he steps out the door. The most infuriating thing is when I ring him , and i I rarely do, his phone is never answered , however at home his work phone is constantly with him in case it rings .

i don't think your friends are right about sucking it up due to the money , i think you need to explain to him how you feel ,
and how he would feel if the roles were reversed .