Are my friends right?

Somewhere in the middle for me: if he's attentive and caring and a good partner/parent when he's not at work, then yeah I do think you have to accept you chose a partner with an all-consuming career which also happens to pay well and that it's not the kind of job where you can just be pissing about on your phone (she says, having a pissing-about-on-my-phone job - no shade here!). And that a partner who's all of those things is - as your friends have pointed out - sadly not that common.

On the other hand, you sound lonely and miserable. So even if you've got a 'better' deal than your mates have on balance, you're allowed not to be happy with it. If what you want is to see more of him, then leaving him obviously isn't the answer. If what you're actually looking for is a (any) partner who is less committed to a very consuming job, then maybe it is. Only you know that.

I don't agree with your friends. Just because their husband's are shit, doesn't mean you have to put up with a relationship that's not satisfactory to you.

I think this is something for serious consideration and discussion between your DP and you and maybe some counselling. I think the bottom line is one of you is always going to be comprimising here. You've created a family with a doctor, not someone who goes in at 9 and clocks off at 5 - his job is important to him.

I'm not criticising how you feel, but the reality is with jobs like this, family is not always the priority. He can no more change that than you can change feeling unhappy about the situation, even if he does change his behaviour. What you need to work out between you is whether you can compromise or accept the situation.

Hmm it’s a difficult one. I’m an ICU nurse and work very closely with doctors, I wouldn’t want to be married to one! He obviously has a very important job and it’s hard to understand when you don’t work in the field but often nurses and doctors simply can’t just walk out at the end of their shift. What grade is he? What specialty is he doing? Is he a consultant yet? Often things calm down a bit once they get their consultant post. Is it worth speaking to him about long term plans and asking him if he thinks things will settle down? If it’s a case of him building his career for a few more years until he gets his post then I’d probably say just hang in there, but if he is doing something like surgery (depending on the type) it might never settle and you will have to decide if the pros outweigh the cons.

Ridiculous comment

I have. I can respond as I wish.
"Hold that scalpel please I need to go and text my wife" 🙄

2 doctor household here.

I loathed it when my family interrupted when I was at work and fully focussed. I only rarely text DH when he is at work.

I worked PT after DC and just got on with running the household and children's stuff as he was at work so much. He was v hands on at home with DC.

On the other side of it now. Looking back, it was tough while they were young but I don't think I'd have done it any other way.

I agree!

This is his career and it won't change from the marriages with the father a doctor/consultant that I can see.

Are you married?
If not, why not?

If the OP expects him to be in regular touch for the sake of it I agree, but if she just wants him to give her a heads up if he’s going to work beyond his expected shift that’s the least he can do. It sounds to me like he takes her a bit for granted.

Imagine for a moment that this doctor is a single parent and instead of a stoic partner at home he relies on paid childcare. You can bet he’d find the time to get in touch with the nanny to make arrangements. He’d have no choice.

But that’s not going to help OP with her current situation.

My friends daughter when her husband is on rotation sometimes goes to stay with her mother and father especially when the children were babies, pre schoolers. Can @Ammamamam do this?

Ok I am going to buck the trend here and say the female enabling of selfish male - I am so important, I cannot communicate behaviour on this thread is quite frankly unbelievable..

I am a surgeon - so yes there are times when instant communication is not possible. But there is not surgeon / doctor/ anaesthetist who works, who is scrubbed for12+ hours at a stretch without break. Clinics do not run every minute to the point you can not send a text message.

One BF would send me messages and when I did not answer asked me. Coud you please send me a message at some point in the day - you are alive, running late, having a good day/ bad day etc. it brought me up short and made me re think my time. Everyone in the hospital has their phone on them all the time, there is time to communicate - maybe not a long protracted conversation but some comms are possible and everyone can do it.

If I got stuck in theatre, my phone was on the side and I could still get someone to go out of theatre and phone my childminder to say that I was running late.

Set the bar a little higher ladies!

I would imagine if you’re a doctor dealing with life and death situations, the last thing on your priority list would be to respond to your wife’s text asking when you’ll be home. Be careful what you wish for. Things will get better as your child grows to be more independent and not need as much hands on time. and he sounds present when at home. The grass, as they say, isnt always greener…

From everything you have said he sounds like a good man, a good Dad and a good Doctor. What more could you want? Sounds like you’ve hit the jackpot. Have a lovely time in Disneyland and make the most of the time off together. He’s doing a hard job.

Lots of people are talking about how he’ll definitely have the time to text, but maybe he doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel that it’s necessary to be in contact regularly.

I know when I’m at work I don’t really think about DH or feel the need to contact him unless there’s an emergency, and would probably find it quite claustrophobic if he expected me to text him regularly.

The fact that he’s late home sometimes or annoying but it’s also normal for many jobs. Unless he needs to be home by a specific time or for a specific reason, then maybe it’s easier to just accept he’ll be home when he can. Dating a doctor isn’t really ideal if you want someone who’s home at 5pm and who never gets stuck at work.

My other half is a health care professional, she has worked super long hours her whole career. It has impacted negatively on her in terms of stress.
Years ago a friend of mine who works in a very pressured environment and runs her own business told me the hours my partner works were unsustainable, and she was right.
My partner is trying much harder now to work more normal hours. You can work 24 hours a day every single day of the year if you work in health care, but you shouldn't and nor should the OPs husband.
And I get you OP it's not fair that all the domestic stuff falls to you. And you don't have to stay with him if you aren't happy. I actually think not having an absent partner to resent and be angry with is a good thing!

YABU - I think you need to adjust your expectations and become a bit more resilient/realistic otherwise your resentment/frustrations will grow. This isn't going to change. I would expect him home towards the later time that is usual and it be a bonus if he arrives earlier and stop asking for an ETA. I find Life360 (or similar) really useful for this - set up a notification for when he leaves the hospital, if you want a heads up on when he will be home.

He shouldn't need to be in contact during the working day at all (I would struggle to do that with my job as well). I was married to a hospital doctor (before children) and then married to someone who was in meetings all day or travelling internationally (which was even worse for being away from home), so in total it has been 25+ years of living like this. I think the only thing you can realistically do is change your response to it.

I guess it helped a lot that this was pretty normal amongst the people I saw day-to-day so it felt normal. BIL is away with work 25 weeks of the year (has 3 children in 2.5 years - singleton and twins). A couple of my mum friends had husbands who lived in London Mon-Fri and were only at home at the weekends usually. I also know a lot of people with spouses in the forces.

It's interesting how many people are defaulting to terms like spouse and marriage, when OP used the term DP and hasn't mentioned being married.

I wonder if it's because people's understanding of situations where one partner is in the support role and the other takes 0% of child responsibility whilst working is that it should involve marriage, in order to be equitable. OP could just have been using partner for shorthand, but given that she refers to her friend's husbands and partners my guess is not.

However much people think the NHS doctors treating them shouldn't have to worry about domestic life when working, if said doctors also have dependent DC, that also requires someone in the background dealing with 100% of any pieces that need picking up. That person should be on board with what's happening and also getting a fair deal.

I would prefer better investment to create a better, well-researched system.

Being a Dr in a hospital setting is incredibly intense. You don't have a moment to yourself some days and are dealing with intense and emotional situations all the time. And lets face it - the NHS is on its knees. The pressure is relentless. The patients don't stop. Its exhausting.

I think you're being somewhat unreasonable. However, its your life and only you can decide if its worth it or not.

I know a fair few doctors. They all worked EXTREMELY hard but it has enabled them all to take retirement at what I would consider to be very early ages. One works sporadically now, the others are enjoying their 'retirement' (some by taking up marathon running, but, hey).

So how long do you have to go before he could consider leaving his job and either staying home full time or taking up something less arduous? Is it worth waiting it out?

He's a doctor working in a hospital. I know I wouldn't be impressed with a hospital doctor who didn't see me when I was ill, because he's going to be late home when he's going on holiday the next day. It goes with the territory - sick & injured people take priority over being home on time.

Or would you prefer waiting lists were even longer, people had to stay in hospital longer, or things were operated on or diagnosed later than they could have been so your DP can get home on time?

Yet when I visit theatres they are a chatty jovial bunch definitely using their staff room and kitchen. There’s some fascinating perceptions in this thread. I’m not saying he’s not busy and I’m not saying he can message loads but the occasional message is not an unreasonable request.

he is at work in a pressurised environment so no, I wouldn’t be expecting him to be checking his phone for messages or available for a chat. My husband was developing an annoying habit of phoning me and messaging me while I was at work about random non urgent stuff or because he was bored. The rule is now unless something has happened to the kids, the house is on fire or someone is dead, it can wait until I get home!

Their appointment