Are my friends right?

Everyone saying that money isn’t everything- you can’t just switch careers at age 40 something (assuming he’s around that age or thereabouts) just because your partner isn’t happy. If you’re happy in your career you’re unlikely to throw away so many years of training for more balance unless you yourself really want it

And get some childcare in if you can afford it.

@Ammamamami want you to think very carefully about how much your Disneyland trip is costing and then think about how many hours work it requires to fund that. Why does your partner need to be home early the night before? You’re home. You’re an adult. Prepare your own bag and your child’s bag and go to bed.

And? Is there only one job going in that field lol

Being a doctor is not 'a job' it's a career and vocation.

He needs a job with more suitable hours. As you say, the extra money is not worth the negative aspect of his current role.

Money isn't everything. He'd probably make a decent enough wage if he pivoted to a role with more more family friendly hours and expectations.

So no need to bin him off completely, it's just time for a job change. Him bringing in more money doesn't justify you doing more domestic and childcare work. You can pro rata those duties between you depending on your contracted hours.

Maybe your friends don't get it because they would work those extra domestic hours for the nicer lifestyle. But you don't have to do that. It doesn't sound fair to me if I have understood the situation clearly.

I hope you’ll get through it @Ammamamam because you clearly have issues in your relationship.
About your friends. People often have a rant about their partners and then make it up and carry on and then friends who were criticizing partners during the rant ending up in a tricky position. I wonder if your friends felt that it’s just a rant on your side and they focused on good sides to calm you down. its not easy to say someone what a twat their partner was and then to behave as usual with them when they made it up.

I wasn't talking about live-out nannies, but live-in ones who exist precisely for people who work long, unpredictable hours. They're on-call 24/7 during the week and are paid very handsome sums for the privilege.

If OP was also a hospital doctor, then yes, of course they would have to have other arrangements. I don't understand why it's relevant though - people don't live their lives based on "what ifs" - they live them based on their current living arrangements.

Both my parents worked in hospitals BTW and often worked late hours, shifts and unpredictable days - I was in paid childcare for 10+ hours a day and we had multiple babysitters etc. who could help out in emergencies. It is possible to make it work.

I also never said he had a free pass to do whatever he likes - clearly there are communication issues here that need to be discussed, but equally I do feel that it's unrealistic to expect regular communication when someone is working, regardless of what their job is.

Even if he is a surgeon, it’s most unlikely that he is often in theatre for three hours longer than he expected, without a break.

All the hospital doctors I know message their partners, between patients, if they know they are going to be unexpectedly delayed. It’s just thoughtfulness and courtesy. Being a doctor doesn’t make you a god.

Only read the first few pages.

IMO you ABU and are focussing on the wrong thing.You do not feel equal, you should focus on being married. (Apologies if you are, but you said "DP")

You obviously haven’t employed many Nannies if you think they would be more amenable than the OP to being left high and dry with the kids beyond their contracted hours and no communication from their employer.

Perhaps a better ‘just suppose’ would be if the OP was also a hospital doctor herself. Something would have to give then. One of my best friends is a full time hospital doctor, no family nearby, a just turned 3 year old and a 5 year old, her DH is in the military and was posted a 6 hour train ride away at the end of last year. How do you think people like her cope?

The flip side of that argument is that if OP was a single parent, she would still have to juggle childcare and evenings alone, but without the added benefit of a partner and his income.
Most people become financially and/or logistically worse off after separation when there are young children involved. That doesn’t mean the respective partners get a free pass to do what they like within the marriage/relationship.

It’s ok for this doctor to want OP to pick up the slack at home, but it should have been discussed and agreed before the children came along, and he needs to at least marry her if he’s asking her to make sacrifices for the sake of his career

He doesn’t need to chat, but he could certainly have the courtesy to let OP know when to expect him home and if he’s been held up. All the hospital doctors I know (a lot) keep their phones on them (on silent) except when in theatre. It only takes 30 seconds to send a text, between patients.

I think it’s part and parcel of being a doctor. But I know that doesn’t make it any easier.

for what it’s worth, I earn more than my husband but be works far longer hours than me and leaves most of the house/kid stuff to me.

if i were to work out my husbands hourly rate it would be very low.

he also acts like we don’t exist when he’s at work.

and it’s not that he “enjoys” his work as such, it’s very stressful. But it’s not prestigious or well paid like a doctor.

I feel frustrated a lot of the time that despite being in a better job, my career very much takes a back seat.

I know it’s not a competition, and the fact that I, and others, have it “worse”, doesn’t make things better for you.

I don’t really know the answer, to my situation or yours.

By using his phone to send a message, like everyone else (including hospital doctors) does. It’s perfectly possible nearly all the time if he thinks it’s important enough.

Exactly.

I will repeat the point I made upthread. 50% of doctors are female. This is not a female thing, it’s a man who thinks his job is more important than anything else.

It is not true that he cannot drop a text to say he will be late.

It’s a hard and all-engrossing job but unless your DH is a surgeon or anaesthetist who often gets unexpectedly stuck in theatre I think he could be more thoughtful.

My daughter is a hospital doctor (consultant). Her DH wfh and does most before and after school childcare, delivering /fetching/feeding/bedtime, on her working days (usually 4 days a week in the hospital, plus 1 at home doing admin). She often works very long days. It's not a simple question of shifts at that level; if something needs doing or patients suddenly need to be seen of course she won’t just leave.

BUT she always keeps her DH informed as to what’s going on by quick texting, e.g. "Sorry, can’t see myself being able to leave for at least another hour", "Somethings cropped up, won’t be home till about 9", "Leaving in 10 mins".They use the app that tracks where she is so he can track her journey home and have a meal ready for her.

They also have a definite agreed policy of discussing/informing about all child-related issues, even down to things like clothes and school/nursery issues, rather than one of them doing all the life admin and then feeling resentful about it.

Really unpleasant and completely uncalled for, well done 🙄

But he's not a single parent so he has no reason to behave like one.

The flip side of that argument is that if OP was a single parent, she would still have to juggle childcare and evenings alone, but without the added benefit of a partner and his income.

Many doctors work late - you can't always stop and message and get in touch to say as much - which is why many doctors have nannies, or partners who are able to work from home or cover the childcare.

Thank for making my point from direct personal experience.

He’s a doctor?! How on earth do you expect him to do that?!

YABU if you expect him to contact you while he is at work. There is no need for people to be in touch all the time. It seems to be a very modern thing where some people expect their partners to be in touch all day while at work.

YANBU if you are expecting him home at 6 and he rocks up at 10 on a regular basis with no warning.

It does depend on what he does, what his rank is etc, as to how easy it would be for him to contact you and update you.

You need to talk to him and try and reach some sort of compromise, that he will finish early - if he can - at least 1-2 nights a week, or that he will let you know if he is going to be late home.

If you are unhappy, then you are unhappy and it is not for anyone else to tell you to suck it up and be happy with what you have.

But you have to talk to him first and foremost , then see if anything changes. If it doesn't , then you either accept it and stay there, or end the marriage.

The man is at WORK and not in an environment he can easily call you.
As long as you can contact him in an emergency I don't see the problem

I don’t think one experience negates the other. It sounds like you have become his support staff, but he probably respects his staff at work more than he respects you.

Do you genuinely have no idea how much strain and pressure NHS doctors are under???

Anyone who works in a hospital rarely leaves bang on time at the end of their shift. I am speaking from experience.