Are my friends right?

Are you a hospital Dr? How can he do this? Can you imagine the AIBU?!
"AIBU to be fumming that in the middle of the ward rounds the consultant answered a call to someone about whether they wanted mash or boiled potatoes for dinner?"

Agree.

There definitely are some male doctors who are so far up their own arses that they don't see or appreciate the needs of their own wives or families, or they blithely assume they are entitled to all the support and behind the scenes work that it takes on the part of someone else to keep the wheels from falling off the family bus.

Having said that, I do not “chit chat” with my husband during the working day. I’ve actually been a SAHM and I understand the burden of young children and it feeling like your world when the kids are having a bad day, but I don’t think it’s necessary to have to be supported by the other partner about life issues when they are at work on a moment to moment basis.

what would have happened before mobiles? You’d talk at the end of the day. Expecting texts and support in the day is OTT imo, regardless of their job.

He could text when at the hospital. He chooses not to.

This.

Are you married? If not then you only benefit from his earnings for as long as you’re together. While your earning ability is negatively affected to facilitate his.

This is a tough one. I’m a GP which I chose because I knew hospital shifts (weekends/ nights) would be a nightmare whilst being a primary carer.

however at least 50% of hospital Drs (women now outnumber men in terms of medical graduates) are female and many are mothers that simply don’t have this choice. They don’t get to stay late/ not pick up their children/ opt out when they get home. They do all the same shifts, come back and do all the mental load as well.

so he shouldn’t just opt out “because he is a hospital doctor”. It comes down to your individual circumstances, what you do, your finances jointly etc.

Can you use some of his wages to cover stuff that would make your life easier .. house keeper twice a week for the cleaning / laundry / whatever else might help. And so you can focus on DD and your own work.

I think I would be ok with the situation so long as he is very attentive when around and is ok with paying for as much help as you need. I think your life without him could be harder and worse for both you and DD. Marriages are almost never perfect and it’s mostly compromise.

I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving

But then you would do everything alone. Without the finances.

My husband doesn't contact me during the day either ... because he's at work. Him not being home enough is a different issue but would you want him changing jobs?

Doctors can definitely find time to quickly message. They seem very able to find time to email me with random queries they think I might be able to help with even though it’s not related to my job, they stand in the coffee queue, eat pizza in the dr mess. I’m not saying they’re not busy, but they do have time to text. I think many go into a blinkered world and their expectations on their wives is high, even when the wife is also a dr.

All you can do is have an honest conversation and see how he responds.

My daughter and her husband are hospital doctors. Their jobs are v demanding. They work around them and appreciate the demands. I can imagine it’s difficult for a partner who does work in this environment

No, I don't agree with your friends opinions on this, at all.
So basically because he's a doctor and earns a lot of money he gets to check out of family life? And they think it's ok because their partners are equally as shit but earn less?
Nope.
It doesn't take a minute to text and let you know something.

I can relate to this massively. Plus we have the added complexity of being a blended family.

Is your DP doing lots of extra locum work or is it just the normal ‘day job’ that keeps him/her at work so long?

I have an intense job and if I'm honest, unless there is an emergency, it is like my family don't exist. I'm focused on the work, the job needs me to be focused so that people are kept safe. I think you are being unfair to think he needs to change. That's not to say that you don't have the right to say this isn't for you and walk away or to suggest adaptions, such as you becoming a SAHP to lighten your load, but you married and had a child with a doctor, who you say is very hands on when he is home, so he shouldn't be criticised for what he is doing.

I think you feel conflicted as this is a tough one. Him not messaging you during the day is possibly because he can't. I had a partner who couldn't message during the day due to the nature/chaos of the NHS job. But the telling bit is "not coming home when he can"? Is he performing emergency surgeries that can't wait, or walking slowly around the building with a piece of paper in his hand looking for an excuse not to come home?

For any other occupation, I would agree with you but he's a hospital doctor. That is unbelievably stressful and hectic. I spent some time in hospital recently and don't know how they do it.

He isn't coming home late or letting time pass by because he's interested in anything other than helping people. And everyone knows hospitak Doctors work long and unpredictable hours.

Enjoy Disneyland and try and look at it from all angles. He sounds like a good man.

This is why all my female doctor friends who marry marry other doctors.

I don’t know what it’s like to work as a doctor in a hospital but I would bet plenty of money a mother doing the same job would manage to do more for her family.

The problem with the ‘well when he’s at work he’s at work’ view is that it means the other parent either

a) doesn’t work or
b) has to take 100% of the responsibility of parenting even when at work.

so while DH and I both work, I have to get the children ready for nursery, take them to nursery, be on call on the off chance we have a phone call from nursery (thankfully only happened a handful of times) pick them up from nursery, get them bathed and in bed …

it’s hard and can be very lonely.

I get it. You are stuck keeping the home fires burning and you didn’t sign up for that but I think YABU because it was always that way before dd. If he’d changed, I’d agree with you but that’s clearly the nature of his work and probably an implied agreement with you at some point about how family life would pan out. If he’s a good husband and father when he is home I’d try and rationalise it and suck it up. Or get child care and a housekeeper.

When he is at work he may not have his phone on him and will be fully in “work mode”. And given he has an intense job, that is ok.

he should be able to tell you what time he will be home and stick to it or text. But I don’t think you can expect communication during the work day.

TBH it seems that you need to accept that when he's at work he's at work. It's not as if he's up the pub with his mates or in the betting shop. His work brings in a lot of good things into the relationship. You're off to Disney for a start. He's hands on when he's at home, no relationship or situation is perfect. That's life.

When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though

’he doesn’t recognise that we exist’ is it not just that he’s busy OP? In work mode, doing an important job at that. When he’s home, he’s attentive and not in work mode.

What kind of shifts/hours is he working? Him getting stuck in surgery as his shift ends and him going for pints after his shift are two different things.

I think you have to decide if you’re ok with his job. We can’t tell you if you should be.

I do understand your experience. My DH works 24 hour shifts and is often not available to text or talk. He’s not able to be flexible in any way. There are times he’s out of commission on his day off in between shifts due to lack of sleep.

It is what it is and I knew it going in. But yeah it’s hard sometimes. And I have the added bonus of him picking up OT or working a 2nd job on his days off.

We’ve figured it out and thriving. We didn’t have kids so that would have put extra strain so I can imagine that your situation is more complicated.