Are my friends right?

He's a hospital Doctor therefore when he's at work he'll no have time to ring you for a chat or to see how your day is going. He's in a very responsible job & probably is in 'work mode' while there. You say he's hands on when at home. That's good that he bothers with his family when he can & has time. Try having a chat with him asking him to let you know his shifts as & when he gets his rota then you'll have an idea when to expect him home. With a high pressure job he'll need time to switch off so try not to message or ring him while he's on shift or on his way home. Have a hour or so after he get's home for you both to sit & chat & update each other on your day to day lives & discuss plans you have as a family.

Tbf I suspect that your DH was late because he was finishing all his paperwork and in tray/emails so that he can spend the time on holiday with you and DD with his mind clear to focus on you both.

Just a minute Mr Smith, I need to message home, whilst doing cardiac compressions !!!

My late OH was a doctor - I am afraid this is just what life is life married to a doctor.

Have you any idea of the pressures on him during his working day, OP? I think you need to get a grip, and yes, you're friends are right. Focus on the lots of positives and the impact on your child of separating her from her dad, and the impact on him.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you have a lot to be grateful for. You say the money doesn’t matter but you should try not having any. Being married to someone who doesn’t work or hates their job isn’t easy as is being with someone who does nothing around the house. Your alternative is being a single parent, less money and less help.

But the OP says that her partner is engaged when he is at home, it's not like he is coming home and saying "I'm exhausted from my long day at my very important job, I am too tired to put the kids to bed/make dinner/whatever"

Resident drs (the new name for junior doctors work longer hours than most people, and often have a longer commute as they have to move round for their training), so unless the OP is doing a 48 hr week, he is working more hours, and she says that he is also helping when he is at home.

Also, my partner is not a doctor. He has an entirely flexible job that he does from home with effectively no-one checking in on him (as long as the work is done, his "line manager" doesn't care.

I wouldn't expect to be texting him during his working hours, and even if I sent a text, would not be expecting a reply until he'd finished work, because...it's work.

I agree that it can be annoying not knowing when your husband is going to get home but in some situations it may not be possible for him to text. If he is a surgeon, and an interesting/educational operation is being performed that otherwise he would rarely be able to attend, or the operation over-runs, he is likely to want to do this to make him a better surgeon, and he simply won't be able to text you because he is in theatre. I once had the site manager come to me because a doctor (in another specialty, so no idea why they were asking me) hadn't come home. I was on the point of suggesting a search of all cupboards/toilets etc when it turned out that an emergency had come in at the end of her shift and she had been assisting in an operation for almost 2 hours past her shift finish.

He may be stuck in a dead zone in the hospital.

You are not necessarily unreasonable to expect a text for being home significantly late, but you are unreasonable to expect to be texting regularly at work.

You say that he is hands on and involved when he's at home, so it's not like someone who is using you as a maid/nanny and not being involved in family life (just a reminder to all the non-doctors here that the average working week for a dr is a little under 48 hours, so a lot longer than most other jobs, so not as straightforward as saying "we both work full time").

I'm a doctor, I have kids, and I wouldn't want to be disturbed at work for non-urgent stuff (apart from the fact that there are some areas in the hospital where I work where it's impossible to get a good mobile signal).

What are you trying to contact him about?

If you split up you will be alone even more, much poorer and your DC will see even less of your DH. I think you are unreasonable to to expect him to be contacting you. However he will have breaks- legally needs to. Not unreasonable for him to do a quick check in and update on when he will be home.

You at least have friends- lean into that and make sure you are doing something fulfilling for yourself. Maybe like a job? Break up you will need one.

I did a job a bit like OP's husband. It wasn't Health Sector, which I"ve always believed demands & drains the most from its workers.
But it was in public service. I worked and slept. It was what I did.
That was because a) I wanted to do well/do a good job/serve, and b) because there was no other way to manage the workload but to keep on keeping on working and shoving the rock up the hill (+ I was the only/main breadwinner).
If, OP, you are on board with DH's territory (? health, education, social good?), then you have, maybe, to examine your motives and look honestly at yourself.
If his realities are not yours, then you have a real and deep problem.
If you haven't done a balance between what you need to 'input' against what your 'gains' might be, then I would suggest you should start soon.

Not everyone is driven by love of material goodies.
Some people are moved by notions of worth, intrinsic good and what life is worth living for.

My exH was an in investment banker. I lost track of the number of times I was left waiting around for him. When our DDs were born he left it all to me … and like you it appeared I was so lucky! SAHM. Nice lifestyle etc. That wasn’t enough for me personally. I’m a role model to my DDs. There was no way I wanted them to grow up learning that Dads can behave however they like and Mums make up all the shortfalls. Money didn’t come into it! One of the first things I did when we separated was take them to Disney. On my own.

Is it your DH or your long term boyfriend? This is the much, much more important question.

Probably been said by PPs but your DC is only 3 so he must’ve had a similar workload and shift pattern before DC, didn’t you consider that before you had kids? Sorry, I think your friends are right, if you didn’t agree to change anything pre DC it’s not fair to resent him for his career now, hospital doctors work crazy hours, which of course you know, and if he’s hands on when he is with DC what more can you expect really? I’d feel pretty hard done by if I was him and you left after I’d tried my best to provide for my family and be as hands on as possible when I was there and you hadn’t mentioned you might not want it that way before having kids. I’m very against traditional family roles and gender stereotypes etc but it was you who chose this set-up. It’s not fair to blame him now that you’ve changed your mind

If I or my child was in hospital I wouldn't want the doctor focused on anything else whatsoever. I am a teacher. During my A level lessons the country could be invaded and I'd not know a thing. I literally do not look at my phone even once over a full teaching day. Jobs that require a high degree of high level thinking occupy you completely. However unlike me it sounds like your guy gets well compensated!! You must surely see the benefit of that? Could you reduce your hours in light of how much he earns, so that you feel less swamped?

Your DH is a doctor, you knew that before you had a child you are BU did you expect him to change his job, you said that he's hands on when home so you either accept the situation or separate.

Maybe sit down and talk about 5 year plan - could he go p/t so you could develop your career?

While many are saying 'what do you expect married to a doctor', I think you could end up very resentful that your life isn't developing. Good job you're married though, at least if it ends you'll be able to get back your loss of earnings and pension while you prop up his career. Too many women don't consider this.

He cannot possibly ring/text you when he is working. Honestly, we do not get a minute, it is full on. He will be shattered both mentally and physically when he does get home. Be thankful for what you have got and, not moan about what you haven't....

This is something they both should have discussed before bringing a child into the world, then.

Too many people have children and don't discuss what kind of impact it will have on their lives.

My GP was a hospital doctor but swapped to being a GP when she had children so she could be home with them after they finished school / put them to bed etc.

It's a very different job with different hours. And its not for everyone.

Maybe you and your DH can talk about his career hopes in the long term and figure out if this may be a possibility.

Hoping this doesn't feel like I'm picking on you. But that's possibly what her husband would say to her, so it's worth responding to in case she reads it. It's not just a few text messages. It's her propping up family life to support his career. Coming home late even when its unnecessary. And the way he's behaving is making her unhappy, no matter how "trivial" somebody else might see it. So something needs to change.

If she is working then she shouldn't be propping up everything at home too. She shouldn't be putting up with that unfairness just because she's married to a dr (excuse me while I swoon). The almighty dr can pull his finger out at home.

Well, maybe if several people have misinterpreted you, you didn't word it properly to begin with.

Yes, both people need to adapt but changing job is a pretty extreme reaction over what appears to a few text messages.

Omg I didn't say give up his career! You're the 2nd one today implying that changing roles/job equates changing career. It does not. There are plenty of options for the man to pursue in his field that don't involve his wife putting up with this behaviour.

You might be so impressed by the idea of being married to a dr that you are OK with being abandoned to do all the domestic/childcare, but she doesn't have to be. Having a baby changes things. They both need to adapt and accomodate family life - not just her.

How patronising of you to assume the OP needs her partner to fund the trip. She clearly states in the OP that she works too.

And she knew he was a doctor before deciding to have a child with him - it works both ways. Expecting him to give up his career over this is, frankly, bonkers.