To think that if his family doesn’t like you, it’s time to walk away?

You are very wedded to this. I don’t disagree that, all things being equal, a kind and supportive family is better than a cold, divisive, ot mean one. But I think the stumbling block for people here is that the partner (man) here seems to have vanished from your calculations. Perhaps you and he have a wonderful relationship and he ignores his awful parents? Or perhaps you and he have a terrible relationship and he ignores his (wonderful) parents?

Bad parents won’t affect a good relationship and good parents can’t save a bad relationship—nor should they. I often see MN suggest in troubled marriage threads “you should tell his mother! [he gambles/cheats/is lazy] like you are reporting to his manager. That’s a terribly unhealthy approach.

If you and your partner have friction (not talking about abuse) you should be able to work it out privately. If you can’t then end the relationship. A good relationship doesn’t have that much friction.

It definitely depends on how your partner reacts to things. My MIL has been the biggest source of trouble in our marriage. No one is good enough for her perfect son, and she’s been jealous of me from the start. I’m the bad woman who took her baby boy away.
Unfortunately my husband can’t see what she’s like (she’s very manipulative). It’s a difficult situation. If I’d known before I married him what his mother was like, and how long she’d live for, I’d have reconsidered tbh. It’s been so horrible and stressful for such a long time.

So, they don't like you, you don't like them, can you not just draw a line under it and have limited contact?

But there’s a difference between supporting your family member and being actively hostile, dismissive, or cold toward their partner.

Do you mean your in-laws are like that to you now? All the time? Or only when you and DH are having a rough patch?

Funnily enough I was thinking this myself this morning.

My in-laws are toxic, spiteful, controlling, sly. Luckily my DH can see it and doesn’t want them in our lives. We went through a lot with them though before it got to that point. I was thinking how much less stress I would have been through if I had walked away from the start.

In-laws play a big part in your lives - are around for all the milestones etc, but if they are toxic they can ruin the lot. They are people in some ways that you have chosen too.

I think if I was advising a young woman starting out I would definitely tell her to consider what the whole of the in-laws were like before committing, especially the key members like MIL/FIL and run if they had a lot of negative traits. The only exception would be if the person had little to do with their toxic family from the start.

I literally can’t imagine a situation where my family or DH’s, fond though I am of them, would have the remotest awareness of something being troubled or ‘off’ in our marriage.

Has anyone's DH ever strongly defended them? As in DH being "no mum/dad don't you dare speak to her that way"

It depends...if he is close with them and agrees with them, definite no. The last thing you need is him running to/being manipulated by his toxic family every time you have a disagreement. But if he agrees with you and keeps his distance, maybe ok.

I don't think it's normal for your in-laws to know about issues and strains in your marriage. I certainly never speak to my parents about my relationship with DH and I know he would never tell his dad anything either (his mum sadly passed away last year).

My parents have always been kind and decent to DH and his parents have always been the same to me. However if we broke up, I wouldn't expect FIL to support me or help me at all - just as I wouldn't want my parents to help or support DH in the same scenario!

Their loyalty will be to their son would it not? Could you not seek support elsewhere?

I wouldn't have expected my in-laws to get involved in my relationship.
Likewise I wouldn't get involved in my daughters relationship

I think it's a stumbling block if your in-laws don't like you but doesn't make the relationship not worth it unless your partner isn't worth putting up with that. If they're a wonderful partner and they back you against the in-laws (us against the world mentality) then you'll be fine. So it's all about the partner really imo

And I updated my post accordingly!

I think some people never have the back of outsiders. I would avoid a family culture that was to ic if my date seemed to support and normalize it. But, for instance, I wasn’t crazy about my in laws but they loved each other and my dh of 30 years certainly learned hiw to be a loving father and husband from them

Its not up to them to have your back though? Is it? Why would they know you're going through a bad patch?

I miss read your post and answered on that basis

It depends on the situation.

If people judged me based on the relationship with my family I'd have been single forever - was removed from my parents at 7 because of abuse, grandparents who then raised me are dead and I'm NC with siblings due to my brother following my fathers lead with abuse and violence.

Partners who allow their family to be rude to you should be a red flag for sure.

I think it matters a lot more what your partner is like.

Lots of people come from dysfunctional families. For Dh and I, our families are actually alright to interact with them, probably overly fakely sweet and nice. But an absolute hot mess underneath it all. I am NC with my family and we are NC with some of Dh’s family, which causes issues in the sense that we don’t get invited to things if a particular family member is also invited.

But we are 100% supportive of each other in that decision. We don’t let our families impact our relationship and we don’t take any crap off them. The dysfunction stops outside our door.

Family not being supportive or being super toxic only impacts on your relationship if you let it in and you both don’t have firm boundaries in place. It would be a bonus if we had healthy functional families, but we don’t, so we make up for it by fully supporting each other and hopefully doing things differently for our children.

It wouldn’t cost me a second thought. I’m quite fond of DH’s family, but his parents certainly would have preferred him to marry his previous girlfriend, who was much more their type of person. But it’s never bothered me. I married a person, not into a family, though I see them regularly and get along perfectly well with them.