For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

I'd get her on contraception, preferably the injection or inplant, ASAP. You don't want any accidents.

I'd talk to his parents.

I'd better secure the house. I'd put window restrictors on the windows and a camera on the front and back. If he's sneaking in she might be seeking out.

I'd be very clear that is unsafe an unacceptable. She not mature enough to be having sex with anyone. She's 14.

They are both irresponsible. Imagine if something happened on his bike ride over. Imagine if you had a house fire. You wouldn't have even know he was in the house.

You can't stop them having sex but you need to discuss consent. You need to talk about sexual health STIs. You need to talk about not taking body part pictures that she would be embarrassed for her dad/ grandad or the world to see.

I became sexually active around my 15th birthday (I don't subscribe to this male created "lost virginity" nonsense, I didn't lose anything), I'm in my later 40s now, with a professional job, so no lectures please. Neither did I drink or smoke as a teen, but my hormones were bubbling. When mum first found out I was having sex, she was annoyed, not that I was having sex per se but that I hadn't confided in her.

Yes the daughter has done wrong and sneaking a boy into the house was not a smart move to say the least. But what she needs is support and a good cuddle, as well as contraception.

You are a very good mother. She will thank you some day for protecting her.

also explain to her that woman can develop cervical cancer for having intercourse too young and having a few partners.

That would have been a good result

I think you have a little too much faith in the police there…

At most, if they had come out quickly (which they probably wouldn’t), they would have taken him home as he’s a child.

I would ask her why she felt the need to sneak him in and not be honest with me. Because it is either because she recognises she is too young or believes you and the other parents would say no.
then ask exactly what she thought would happen if the boys parents found him missing in the morning and what would have happened if the police had been called?

No matter what age house rules exist and seeking him into the house is disrespectful and does deserve punishment

Get the whole story - threats? Social media pressures? What else are these teens up to? Does he have a record? Get it checked out.

Oh god yeh I’d lose my mind too! Not sure what id do but definitely ground her and take her phone away. It’s the disrespect and deceit that would mainly piss me off.

Unless he broke in and forced his way into her bed, the OPs daughter also played a part too.

Teenagers can be fucking stupid.

What on earth do you think the police would have done?! They are both 14.

I’d have called the police and then his parents. What a shit this boy is. No respect for the girl or her parents.

A boyfriend at 14 and sneaking into her bedroom , she’s way too fast and wild. I would be coming down hard on her and definitely contacting his parents.

I will message his parents and tell them what happened and I think we should talk face to face at some point too.

The time for a face to face talk in order to control this situation is now.

this happened to my neighbours, they lived in a bungalow and he climbed in through bedroom window. At 14 she was pregnant but unfortunately the baby died a cot death within a few weeks. Her dad screwed the window closed. She ran away and wasn’t found for weeks, ended up living with boyfriends mum who didn’t think it was an issue.

not really sure what happened as the parents moved away but I think their DD was no contact by then.

be careful OP. 💐

I would have driven him home, or made him call his parents to come and collect him, as I wouldn’t want a panicked 14 year old, probably scared of the shit he was in, to be biking home alone in the middle of the night.

Why are people saying they would have driven him home? He got there of his own accord - he could leave the same way.

I'd be incredibly shocked, OP. Yes I can understand them wanting sex but ffs sneaking him into the house in the middle of the night is another thing altogether. I imagine they are saying this is the first time they'd done that but is that likely?

Like other posters have suggested, I think there’s two issues here to be tackled.

Sneaking the boyfriend in - this is a breach of your trust and blatant bad behaviour, she knows it’s wrong. Some kind of consequence is appropriate here - ring doorbell as she’s proven she can’t be trusted with who enters the house, phone handed to Mum / Dad at 9pm, whatever.

Underage sex / boyfriend is a separate issue. She may well be sexually active soon if she isn’t already. She needs a hug from mum, a chat somewhere neutral about consent, sending or taking photos, STI’s and feeling pressure to have sex, a reminder that lots of teenagers tell tall tales about having “done it” when they actually haven’t at all. Make sure she knows she can come to you with any concerns and the risks of having sex in unsafe locations.

She needs to be taken for emergency contraception if there’s any chance it’s needed and an appointment made with the GP. I personally would be gently saying if her boyfriend likes her and is serious he should be visiting during the daytime, not only in secret.

Anyone else having a little smile at him bringing his pjs? Did he have his toothbrush and can of lynx as well?

Sure - go ahead and ‘punish’ her and push her even further away from you. Sure fire way to ensure she never confides in you again.

Or alternatively discuss contraception, consent and appropriate behaviour.

The issue here, apart from the obvious one of possible underage sex and all the ramifications, is the sneaking around. I don't envy you having to tackle it all, but you must. I would have a serious talk about trust, and the fact that you must know who is under your roof and when. Then another serious talk about underage sex, birth control etc.
She's only 14, immature and doesn't understand any of this, which is why she's done something so silly.
I would also let his parents know, and talk to your daughter and her boyfriend together - he is welcome but he is not to sneak in, you must know he's there.
I think you're way beyond punishments and taking things away/grounding - this is adult stuff but you must be able to control your own house.
Good luck x

I agree.

When I was 15, my boyfriend’s mother hated me. She would rant and rave at him.

What actually happened is that it pushed us together, when in reality, we would have got bored of each other in a few months. We even stopped using contraception as we wanted to be “our own little family” as everyone else was against us.

Thank fuck, and god knows how, seeing as I fell pregnant at 41 on the first try, that I didn’t fall pregnant at 15. I can only thank my lucky stars for that one.

But going nuclear and pushing teenagers away from each other usually has the opposite effect.

She doesn’t KNOW they’re having sex, as many posters have insinuated. I remember sneaking out to meet the boy down the road at about 14/15, and we weren’t having sex. That being said, it’s probably safer to get her on some contraception.

I also don’t think it’s the end of the world that she let him cycle back home- we don’t know where she lives, it could be an extremely safe area. A 14 year old would be fine cycling a few miles in my area at that time, although he’d probably be stopped by the patrolling policeman and asked what he was doing since our city has a curfew.

I’m sorry, OP! Parenting teens is not for the weak. I have a 17 year old and if we both survive until he goes to college, it’ll be a miracle.

Hi OP, I agree with this. Or at least take her out for a coffee and a chat.

You need a balance of “that wasn’t acceptable” but without coming down tooo hard and push her the other way…

Calm down, she’s had a bit of a shock and looking for advice. Not everyone knows how to handle these types of things straight away.

I agree though to call his parents. They need to know! Apologise for sending him out into the night and say you were just a bit shocked and he was keen to leave too.

Agreed Such an awful apathy around actual parenting these days.

Oh god, I used to do this at 15. My 17 year old boyfriend was always sneaking in and out of my house at night.We were never caught though. I only used to get away with it as I was living alone with my widowed dad, who worked shifts and was always knackered.

I have daughters, one is 11.

If I caught her with a boy in her room in a few years, I honestly don’t know what I’d do.

I would have probably driven him home and rang the doorbell and told his parents.

I don’t think I would completely lose my shit at my daughter, as I know from my adult son (who never did anything like that), that it’s easy to lose trust and push them away.

I will say this though, I guarantee my now adult son was not having sex at 14. He was at school, at cadets, at sports or at home. I didn’t let him wander the streets, go to parties and his friends used to come and hang out at our house where I always was. He wouldn’t have had the opportunity.

(But honestly, I just that fuck that dd is going to a single sex school and our area is too much of a shit hole to let even teens go out on thier own).