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Original poster

For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

409 replies

madonninamia · 17/04/2025 09:01

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

OP posts:
Silverstars21 · 18/04/2025 07:44

@1SillySossij This is exactly why parents need to ensure their children know from an early age regardless of precautions you can still get STIs & become pregnant. If the girl is under 16 & the boy they have sex with is over 16 it is a criminal offence & he can be charged with having sex with a minor.

If you are saying 'my body my choice' I assume you would also have this attitude at age 13. I hope if you ever have the privilege of having children you bring them up knowing under age sex is a not a good idea.

Workhardcryharder · 18/04/2025 07:37

Seagreensmokeyblue · 18/04/2025 07:18

I'm not pushing blame off OP's daughter. Of course she shouldn't be letting her bf into her parents home at night. Of course she shouldn't be having her bf in her bed. And of course OP should having serious words with her about what happened and there should be consequences .

But there is a lot of pressure on young girls to have sex by society in general and by their own peers.

And tbh I really dislike the reaction from.some that because this has happened the girl should be pointed in the direction of making sure she has contraception. To me this also gives the girl the message that of course it's OK to have sex at 14. That having sex at that age is what she should be doing.
That to my mind also adds pressure on to the girl to have sex.

So yes the OP needs to talk to her own dd about this unacceptable behaviour.
But what the boy did was very serious and his parents need to know what he has done and take appropriate action.

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If they have started to have sex, they will carry on having sex, regardless of what you do or say next. Pulling the wool over your eyes will result in nothing good. At least encouraging contraception will help prevent pregnancy/STIs etc, and keeping an open line of communication will help OPs daughter reach out if she feels uncomfortable or out of her depth.

What do you think telling her she can’t do it will lead to? Where will OPs daughter go if she needs the morning after pill, or if she feels the relationship is moving too quickly? Not OP, that’s for sure.

Seagreensmokeyblue · 18/04/2025 07:18

Workhardcryharder · 18/04/2025 06:48

Goodness me. Talk about desperately trying to push all blame off your own child

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I'm not pushing blame off OP's daughter. Of course she shouldn't be letting her bf into her parents home at night. Of course she shouldn't be having her bf in her bed. And of course OP should having serious words with her about what happened and there should be consequences .

But there is a lot of pressure on young girls to have sex by society in general and by their own peers.

And tbh I really dislike the reaction from.some that because this has happened the girl should be pointed in the direction of making sure she has contraception. To me this also gives the girl the message that of course it's OK to have sex at 14. That having sex at that age is what she should be doing.
That to my mind also adds pressure on to the girl to have sex.

So yes the OP needs to talk to her own dd about this unacceptable behaviour.
But what the boy did was very serious and his parents need to know what he has done and take appropriate action.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 18/04/2025 07:04

Yes it’s too young- I agree.
Dont spoil your Easter by grounding her and going mad. Speak kindly to her and explain your concerns. She’s more likely to listen and respect your wishes then.

Let her know it won’t be happening again. Cheeky doing that. She’s pushing it. You also need to let his parents know, yes.

Eveningstart · 18/04/2025 06:59

Can you be in a “long term relationship” at 14?!

Eveningstart · 18/04/2025 06:58

Wallywobbles · 18/04/2025 06:24

2 out of 3 of my teen DDs had sex at 14. Not what I’d have chosen for them. And in retrospect not what they’d have chosen for themselves. Both were long term relationships. It’s incredibly common. I was very cross about the lying. But you can’t turn back time. Have a sensible conversation about contraception and porn and consent. I really insisted about condoms, STI tests, and the girls keeping the fact they were on the pill private.

How did you find out? How old are your Dads now?

Workhardcryharder · 18/04/2025 06:48

Seagreensmokeyblue · 17/04/2025 09:20

I would be absolutely concerned that he is pressuring her into have sex.
Definitely his parents need to be told about this boys totally unacceptable behaviour.

Goodness me. Talk about desperately trying to push all blame off your own child

Wallywobbles · 18/04/2025 06:24

2 out of 3 of my teen DDs had sex at 14. Not what I’d have chosen for them. And in retrospect not what they’d have chosen for themselves. Both were long term relationships. It’s incredibly common. I was very cross about the lying. But you can’t turn back time. Have a sensible conversation about contraception and porn and consent. I really insisted about condoms, STI tests, and the girls keeping the fact they were on the pill private.

notacooldad · 18/04/2025 06:15

@May09Bump
In that case, why did your kids not bail themselves out with some kind of excuse rather than calling you. They are underage and this behaviour oversteps our house boundaries by a mile

Of course this behaviour oversteps boundaries. I am certainly not condoning it. My pov is that I wouldn't go to the extreme that you were going on about if you were in that situation and how how would take the law in their own hands and the lad would be lucky to survive.

As for you pulling my kids up needing help when they wwre very young, did your kids know how to deal with every situation all the time?
In time children build resilience and expierence but faced with
peer pressure to do something they don't want to do for the first time I feel glad they turned to me for support rather than do something stupid. I gave them tactics and strategies on how to deal with group pressure from.mates for the future. Isn't that a parents job? Shouldn't they feel comfortable knowing you have their backs and can get help about anything?

I wasn't talking about underage sex. That was something that i didn't have to deal with.( I'm not saying it didn't happen, I'm saying an issue wasn't bought to.my attention) I would have gone mad if it was my dd sneaking her boyfriend in at night!

Eveningstart · 18/04/2025 06:11

does the op have a partner? Any other children? Sorry if I’ve missed

Eveningstart · 18/04/2025 06:11

orangegato · 17/04/2025 10:35

Have none of you ever been 14 😂

at 14 I was at an all girls school, living in a very quiet semi rural village and when I wasn’t at school or playing hockey, my life revolved around sweet valley high books, home & away, and messing around at home with my siblings! My parents basically knew what I was up to and where I was… all the time!

Murlowk · 18/04/2025 02:11

She is old enough to know how to say no and to make better choices

And yet time and time again, teenagers don't make the best choices. And don't say no, despite what their parents think, often in spite of their parents.

Murlowk · 18/04/2025 02:08

and there are people here who are advising sorting contraception for the girl and thus giving the relationship the green light?

If they don't take contraception and find a way to have sex (it literally only takes a detour on the walk home from school for 5 minutes if that), what then? I think people underestimate the willpower of teenagers who want to do something, and their sneakiness.

WearyAuldWumman · 17/04/2025 23:50

x2boys · 17/04/2025 21:34

Well he didnt sneak into the house the Op,s daughter let him in neither was she pressured aa the Op has confirmed several times

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Well, he did sneak into the house since he knew that he was entering without the parents' knowledge.

Poppyseeds79 · 17/04/2025 23:40

GiddyCrab · 17/04/2025 23:04

Reward her with new things then? Like hell would I do that.

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Each to their own... You get better results with a carrot than a stick though.

Also, OP she may or may not even already be on the pill. I was at 14 and never discussed it with my mother. I'm 45 now so it was practically a life time ago. In my DD's case she was open with me about contraception and sex conversations.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2025 23:24

StupidBoy · 17/04/2025 17:12

I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I?

Yes you should tell them. He could have got knocked off his bike and killed, cycling around in the middle of the night. They could have gone to his room and found him missing and had the police out looking for him. He needs to know it's not an adventure to do things like that, it's dangerous and irresponsible.

Them knowing what he did should make pretty sure he doesn't try it again.

And that very fact alone is proof that this boy is bad news for the OP's child.

Is there anyone here who believes the little shit has given any thought to contraception or the consequences for the 14 year old girl if she were to fall pregnant?

He is selfish, disrespectful, reckless, and lacking in the most basic ability to think about consequences - and there are people here who are advising sorting contraception for the girl and thus giving the relationship the green light?

Neither of these children is mature enough to be having sex. Both need a very stern talking to, and a punishment they will remember.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2025 23:08

May09Bump · 17/04/2025 21:50

I'd take my chance with the police and again I'm not afraid of alienating my Daughter over having boundaries regarding kids having sex in my house, and sneaking in at 3am.

I've seen what "cool" chats have resulted in - kids I went to school with had pre-16 pregnancies ending up with 4 kids very young, stuck in abusive relationships and education shot to pieces. Some of the boys in the extreme cases in jail for violence, burglary, etc because they thought they could do as they liked. Others accepted being groomed because underage sex accepted in one instance by parents, so ok in the next (this time with an adult). This obviously doesn't happen in all cases - but shockingly too many in my experience. Maybe this has coloured my style of parenting - but I'm not sure there is a middle ground which is clear to a teenager.

I'm actually very anti-violence, however, this would tip me over.

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Agree 100% - I've seen parents too afraid of alienating daughters while at the same time being stupidly naive about the boys they were hanging out with.

Boys have more respect for girls whose parents are not afraid to lay down the law in their own homes. The boy who sneaked into the OP's house has no respect for the OP's child, for his own parents, for the OP and her husband, or for himself, ultimately.

The OP is dealing with a disrespectful little shit who wants all the privilege of an adult relationship with none of the responsibility or the norms of adult behaviour that should go along with that.

GiddyCrab · 17/04/2025 23:04

Poppyseeds79 · 17/04/2025 09:32

I'd still go shopping today, use the opportunity to have a frank conversation. One where she isn't just telling you what she thinks you want to hear.

Discuss contraception as a teenager pregnancy is not what anyone wants. Definitely speak to his parents too...

Reward her with new things then? Like hell would I do that.

Crushed23 · 17/04/2025 22:32

Relaxaholic · 17/04/2025 22:02

No way would I ‘put’ my 14 year old daughter on the pill. She is old enough to know how to say no and to make better choices. Encouraging the pill means sex at 14 is expected and normalised. Children do not have the maturity for sex at that age and it is a much higher risk scenario because she could forget to take it. This is where your DD needs you to be her parent.

This is just irresponsible. A 14 year-old girl who snuck her boyfriend into the house in the middle of the night and who was wearing sexy pyjamas her mother hadn’t seen before is almost certainly sexually active. OP should absolutely have the contraception chat and ensure her daughter is having protected sex.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 17/04/2025 22:15

I wouldn't lock her window, that's her fire escape.

I did this at 16, except I was the one cycling over because I wouldn't have dared for a second have a boy in my house!! Never gave a thought to his poor parents and 'respecting their house'.

I do remember telling my parents my experience of getting the MAP from the GP 'for a friend' and them wholeheartedly believing me (yes I do feel bad) so I'd be cautious to believe her OP, as the desire not to disappoint you/be judged/get caught will be very strong.

CowboyJoanna · 17/04/2025 22:10

YANBU YANBU YANBU!!
They ARE having sex.
Take her to the doctors for morning after pill pronto.

May09Bump · 17/04/2025 22:04

EmeraldShamrock000 · 17/04/2025 21:53

I'd take my chance with the police
What are the police going to do? He was an invited guest, unless of course you think both teens should be arrested, finger printed and cautioned?

you've got the wrong end of the stick - I wouldn't report him, I've replied to those posting I'd get done for assault.

Montea · 17/04/2025 22:03

Oh my god
get her a pregnancy test

Relaxaholic · 17/04/2025 22:02

No way would I ‘put’ my 14 year old daughter on the pill. She is old enough to know how to say no and to make better choices. Encouraging the pill means sex at 14 is expected and normalised. Children do not have the maturity for sex at that age and it is a much higher risk scenario because she could forget to take it. This is where your DD needs you to be her parent.

May09Bump · 17/04/2025 22:01

notacooldad · 17/04/2025 21:37

Maybe DD will do it elsewhere - but, sometimes teenagers just want an adult to step in and give them time to think. Like the codewords to extract them out of uncomfortable situations when out with their friends.
Of course kids need parents to step in sometimes. I've bailed my kids out of situations.
However in this case dd was in her silky pj's shorts that mum had never seen before. If she wasn't a willing participant she would have text something like mums still awake, you can't come! She'll kill me!
Dd was in on it 100%
She was an idiot for thinking she could get away with it.

In that case, why did your kids not bail themselves out with some kind of excuse rather than calling you. They are underage and this behaviour oversteps our house boundaries by a mile.