For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

Hi. There's of course all the sensible advice about a calm discussion, boundaries etc. But you also need to be aware that sex between under 16s is currently a criminal offence. I think there's a proposal to change this if both parties are minors but I'm pretty sure that hasn't happened yet. So that's something else to factor in.

My mother was similarly appalled whenever she found out that I had sex at 16 (illegal in Northern Ireland the age is 17) I had had a horrendous experience that day with having to go to the hospital the next day for a morning after pill (not easy to get hold of in those days!) because of a condom messed up and it was really stressful and I just wanted my mum to give me a hug and make everything okay . When I actually told her she was lovely about it but I now realised it was quite drunk and the next morning , I presume having spoken to my dad , came down on me like a ton of bricks- you will not do that ever again etc etc it completely broke our relationship.
I think, if it was me in your shoes, I would be contacting the boys parents more about the sneaking out at night business than anything else - they can ask him questions. Then I’d be doing everything I could do to repair the relationship with my daughter so that she continues to be able to talk to me about anything and everything.
Connection first. Give her the tools to make good decisions for herself.

It is a shock OP I agree there, and I understand your reaction because of the shock, however I think your reaction will now make your daughter feel like she can't come to you about problems and any advice in the future. If she felt like she could then the boyfriend wouldn't be sneaking in.

Yes 14 is young. However nothing will stop them having sex, it will just be at different locations at different times. So my advice is to build the relationship back up with her and get her on some form of contraception, whether it's the pill, depo injection. And also speak to her about STIs, HPV etc.

I was 14 when I first had sex, looking back I was far too young, but at the time I didn't see it like that. My mum did everything under the sun to stop me from seeing my boyfriend at the time and if anything that just made me 100 times worse. I lost so much trust in her. I felt like I couldn't go to her about anything after. She also went telling certain people I had sex because she needed people to talk to about it. I didn't like the fact she went and discussed my sex life with others. So my advice would be to not tell any of your friends or family if you need someone to talk to because it's her body, not yours. As harsh as it sounds for you.

Hi @madonninamia I see you are thinking about locking your DD’s windows from now on:

‘we have a walled in side shed which is far too easy to climb when you are a tall lad and from there it’s my dd’s window, so that’s going to be permanently locked from now on.’

Just wanted to warn you about the fire risk of keeping her windows locked - much better that she can escape quickly if she needs too. Maybe a motion sensor/security camera outside (that you don’t tell her about!) would be a safer option?

I did this but I was 19! If my daughter did this at 14 I would go ballistic!

What? Can we have a translation?

I also think you might be naïve believing her when she says she has not been having sex. At just a couple of years older, I did similar and snuck a boy in, got caught and the next morning my parents were FURIOUS! Never seen them like that before or since. The only defence (I thought) I had was wailing 'But I've never ever even had sex, I'm a virgin, we were just talking, I can't believe you think I would have sex!' over and over again (this was to my Dad!!!!). I was convinced that keeping the fact that I was having sex with my boyfriend hidden was the ONLY way I could survive this (in terms of punishment/anger/their abject disappointment). I think they believed me - it was never mentioned again..

God no!

Sorry, just read your update after I posted. Well done, it can't have been easy.

My heart goes out to you. Been through something similar with my daughter and it completely threw me. Tell your daughter that you and she are going to have a talk soon. Wait until you feel more centred and calm, because it matters what you say and you do not need to be in a reactive frame of mind. Get some professional help...whatever form that takes.. perhaps having a chat with your trusted GP - who will have probably seen every issue imaginable and will be able to provide you with support and another perspective. You are not a bad mom and this is not your fault.. 14 is the new 18 lol (although I'm not really laughing). Best of luck with it all x

Sounds like a good update op, such a tricky line to navigate. Glad you have meet the other parents and wishing you luck.

Jesus wept.

Ah just read your update. Good job mamma 🙌

FGS did none of you sneak around as teenagers?!

I totally get why you’re upset op.
But now is the time to be calm if you want honesty from her. She needs to know she can talk to you about anything.

So glad that you're working with the other mum - I'm betting that she's as worried about the possible consequences as you are.

IMO I’d ensure she’s on the pill despite you believing she hasn’t had sex. You do not want her getting pregnant. Also buy her some condoms and just leave them in her room.
Make some boundaries but also don’t be too strict on them as they will just sneak around anyway! I remember what I was like at this age and the more leniency my mum had, the more I was likely to tell her the truth.

Go to the childs house and tell his parents. Then ban him from ever stepping foot in the house and ground daughter.
Couple months that crazy. Something not right here. Have yo I told her no BFs until she is 17 and no going out at night until she is able to pay for it herself. Pay for a taxi etc.

Your post reminded me of Dawsons creek! Joey was always climbing into Dawsons bedroom and they must have been that age. Must have been such a shock for you OP.

I found parenting teenagers incredibly hard, OP, because you need to let them grow and experience independence but also protect them from silly decisions. I think she needs to feel the consequences of lying to you and sneaking him in, but you also need to keep the door open for conversation and trust. It's not easy.

It's funny how all the parents i new as a teenager and now as a mother of teenagers who act more like the good friend. And have relaxed rules surrounding sex. Are also the same ones who are shocked when those kids get pregnant very young or have a series of bad relationships that often include drink/drugs .
It's almost like the lack of strick parenting gives these teens the impression they have no consequences to worry about

Don't assume your DD wants to have sex with her BF. Her behaviour is appalling however irrespective of whether they were just cuddling or not.

The law changed so that ANY sexual activity is illegal under 16 — not just intercourse. So it really does need to be just cuddling. Remind your DD that the pill/condoms do not prevent pregnancy (I have way too many friends who found that out the hard way). Remind her that it's illegal. Remind her that it's still illegal even if her friend is doing it. And that her friend's Mum can be prosecuted for this. And that teachers have a Safeguarding duty to report any students they suspect are in sexual relationships. Social Services can get involved. Police can get involved. (I'm not saying they WILL... Just that they COULD).

I'm not sure how I'd punish this. With my DC, I'd have probably done the deadly very quiet chat in a coffee shop... Far scarier than any punishment or shouting and incredibly effective for my DC. The lack of punishment and shouting made them feel far far worse because they had nothing to push against, nothing "unfair". Psychological warfare 😂. It ended in lots of tears and apologies. I think if you shout etc she'll just feel more inclined to be sneaky.

Fear stopped me.

16 not 14 and I had a lovely, loving relationship with my first b/f ( and the next one!)

But I was terrified of getting pregnant.
So I didn't

We stopped at a point and went no further until I was old enough to get contraception (18)

I know it was a long long time ago, but still...

Many replies here seem to be determined to believe that she has which is really strange but luckily I know my daughter pretty well (apart from this massive deception!) and I know she’s being honest at least about this 😅

Well you ve got to admit giving you the boyfriend's number and pretending it his mums, and lying to your face about it with excuses why mum isn't replying , and planning and sneaking a boy into her bedroom not once but twice wearing never seen before sexy pjs is quite a big deception.

But at least she's honest eh?

I honestly think you are being nieve believing her when she says they haven’t had sex. Not judging you though.

I agree with you the worst part is the deception and then the continued lies. Teens want to have sex/cuddle their bf to a certain extent we should be prepared for dealing with this. But the lies once caught, especially through calm conversations the next day, would have me coming down harsh too.

I just wanted to comment on the pill as you said you would consider that. I went on it for ache at a similar age and it completely messed with my emotions and mental health. Wasn’t until I gave it up late 20’s the fog cleared and I realised how damaging it had been for me. Emotional side effects are very common and in young teens like this it’s not picked up as attributed to normal hormones then you get fibbed of with depression and anxiety because you have ‘always’ been like that. I’d never push my dd to take the pill I feel strongly it ruined my teens and 20’s. that will have to be her own choice with full disclosure from me and told to read the side effects carefully.

Great update. I'm relieved you've got communication going with your daughter and the other mother. All the best with it!