For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

I'd definitely be having a chat with the parents.
I highly doubt they will try to do this again in your house. It must have been absolutely mortifying for them both. I'd have been burning with shame, and I was a very outgoing and confident teen.
It was obviously preplanned by both teens; the boy is getting the majority of the blame here, but I'd say it was both and happened to be at your house as it was easier for him to sneak out and cycle over at night. I had a boyfriend at her age, and we were very 'loves young dream' as well. It's all new and exciting. I'd have another long chat with DD today and see what she says. I'd definitely be looking at contraception because I doubt this will be their first or last attempt. Don't make it a Romeo and Juliet situation by going mad -be calm, get her to open up and give constructive and honest advice about legalities and pregnancy and STDs. Hopefully the boys parents will back you up.

How did the boy get home?

I'd be shocked. But I would also have taken the boy home. He is only 14 too and I'd not be comfortable knowing he was making his way home at that time of the night alone. I know I would have kept calm with his parents.

Its a high risk, adrenaline seeking plan (if that's what it was...) and I'd want to find out more details before working out how to handle.

Clear boundaries but make sure she knows you will always be there for her.

Take her shopping - teens often talk more in the car or walking. No treats just things she actually needs.

Buy and set up a Ring doorbell - calmly explain she has broken your trust and so you will need to be more aware of what is going on in your house. GP appt for contraception and I would ask her if she needs emergency contraception today - you will not be mad but you need to make sure she takes it if there’s any chance it’s needed.

Make it clear that she can always come to you for anything but it is absolutely not ok to sneak her boyfriend over at night, she is 14, and it is your job to be her parent and look after her even if she doesn’t always like it. Boyfriend can come visit during the day with doors open. Remind her that teenagers often exaggerate and just because her friends say they are having sex / mums are ok with it does not mean that is the truth. I can’t imagine many mums of 14 year olds being ok with it!

Honestly, I personally found that involving the police is the only thing that helps with teenagers. My dd was getting bullied via texts at a minor school - the school did not want to know (it does not happen at OUR school) as it happened 'outside of school hours'. I called the police, they came to the house, saw the messages, and went to school. The headmaster, the deputy, the bullies were scared stiff and the messages stopped immediately. Sometimes people have to shake other people into behaving, I am afraid.

Very overly judgemental. Teenagers can be laws unto themselves.

The OP's reaction isn't permissive.

It takes two to tango the daughter is equally to blame here.

I can't get over the fact he actually brought his pj's with him, as if he was going to stay the night in a hotel or something!

I’m not.

Please, OP, don’t give her the impression that she is no longer “sweet” and “lovely” because she is having feelings for a boy, and wanting intimate time with him. You can bake in shame for what is totally natural.

you need to be hard on the deception, safety, consent, and that sex is too early… but not on the instincts and feelings she must be having. Try to be calm and listen and understand where their relationship actually is, and go from there. And yeah, need to tell his parents.

I’m sorry - must be so so stressful.

The daughter invited him in though, so it is not a police matter. You would be wasting police time-it's not their job to parent your wayward DD!

What are the chances that you caught them the first time he snuck in? I would want to be clear on that too.

Agree with PP. Conversation with his parents needed and get your DD on contraception.

The first priority is contraception and protection against STD and hope you are not too late.

Have you contacted the boy’s parents OP?
As previous advice you need to talk with your dd but the boy needs talking to as well. He left his home in the middle of the night and cycled 3 miles to get into your daughter’s bed.
He was surely expecting sex. The pair of them need to understand how much a pregnancy at 14 will wreck their lives - especially your daughters whatever the outcome ie termination, adoption, keep the baby.
I would be concerned your dd is being pressured to have sex but she may have been willing.

I would have called the police and said 'there is a stranger in my house' - the boy needs to be frightened the hell out of, but not by you, by the police, for example. He won't be taking any 'talks' in, he won't be listening to his headmaster if you were to go to school, etc. etc. Your daughter is different though, you need to sit her down and scare her - show her what a random (they have known each other for several months you said) pregnancy will do to her, both ways, i.e. consequences (for the health) of an abortion and of having a child. No uni, no prospects, no future (I know it is not true, but your task for now is to scare the shit out of her). Then you have to sign her up for so many activities that he only dream, when hitting the bed, would be to have a good sleep. The activities will have to be both physical (any sport) and intellectual (maths society, geography society, any brainy society they run at her school). Then chores at home - get her up an hour earlier and make her do stuff around the house and explain - you seem to have so much energy to waste to dicking around, please help us, the parents. Early promiscuity and 'exploration' comes as much from having nothing to do and idleness as from the hormones.

OP, exactly this. Are you sure it's consensual? I wouldn't go in guns blazing with her (regardless) but she may have felt under pressure, especially if he showed up in the middle of the night.

Getting quite creepy vibes of the boyfriend actually.

They are both 14. She obviously went and bought the PJ's for this, so why assume it's all the boys fault?

Exactly. Of course this was planned.

I think the secret tiny pyjamas might give away that this was pre-planned

I would be contacting his parents. I probably would ban contact with him for a few days too. I wouldn’t want to ban him all together as I would rather she is safe at my house than at his. Even though I would want to ban him forever! My worry at this age would be she is being pressured for sex, but as she had bought new pjs possibly not. 14 year olds do have sex I would be booking a gp appointment for contraception. I don’t think you had overreacted. She should have been honest!

Take away all of her devices. Ask her to write out exactly what happened.. how they planned it, how he got in etc. Phone the boyfriend’s parents and make a plan with them. You’ll need them on board if you want to ensure this doesn’t happen again.

It depends whether they planned it or whether he just turned up and threw little stones at her window and then she let him in because she didn’t know what else to do. The conversation needs to be quite different in each scenario. But calm and connected with her is the way to go, don’t do anything that will drive a wedge between you and her, or you risk her making future bad decisions partly out of anger towards you.

I would absolutely give him a bollocking though, separately to her, and tell his parents.

I'd still go shopping today, use the opportunity to have a frank conversation. One where she isn't just telling you what she thinks you want to hear.

Discuss contraception as a teenager pregnancy is not what anyone wants. Definitely speak to his parents too...

I would too. He doesn’t sound like a nice respectful boy tbh

What did you do? Did you contact his parents?