For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

This. Not so upset that the OP didn’t manage to create a click bait title to get maximum attention.

I would think a conversation about legal consequences and that you are not afraid to press charges might make everyone take this seriously.

I think you need to speak to his parents as they may have gone to bed thinking their precious DS was safe in his bed and he could have had an accident on his bike and they wouldn’t have known. I would have probably driven him home whilst keeping my rage inside!

if they are going to have sex then they will find locations so I think now you need to have calm conversations about STD and pregnancy as it’s your DD that would be left holding the baby.

It doesn’t matter that so and so mum says it’s ok. I would potentially put a safeguarding email into school about it as that mum may not actually know her DD is sexually active.

my now 16 DS has a boyfriend and we have said no to sleepovers as for a start he only has a single bed and he’s not emotionally mature yet for that. We don’t have to worry about pregnancy!

i wouldn’t punish your kid as you really need to build trust now so she can tell you if things aren’t right and she is being pressured

Yes and if I got caught with a boy in my bedroom at 1am I'd have been sorry I ever met him.

You get a house security system if you can afford it and put her on the pill.

This was so deceitful of the both of them.

I would be really shocked, one of DD's friends done this with her boyfriend at 14, she is 16 on boyfriend number 10, it is a lot of sex for a young girl, trying not to judge as I suspect she has other problems.

I'd be devastated to catch DD at 14. Have a chat around safe sex, waiting until she is older etc.

You need to check her phone.

I agree - it's the lies and deception route to punish, not the feelings for the boy.

@madonninamia Punishment? I'd take her bedroom door off for a week (she can get changed in the bathroom). But then I am evil.

Tbh once they start it's impossible to stop and you can't really use the age of consent, it's not there for 2 14yr olds.

I'd be sorting out contraception and having a word with them both that you don't want to see him in your house in the middle of the night. It'll be embarrassing and will probably drive them underground but it's not something you can fight. Those hormones are all consuming.

Have none of you ever been 14 😂

gets as in understands. Not get as in obtains.

@BlossomBlanket that she understands what consent is and that she is not being put under pressure to do what she does not want to.

In my experience a parental “we are so disappointed in you, you broke our trust” approach is waaay more impactful than shouting and punishment. Hopefully in the calm of the morning you will come to the view that ur us THIS aspect which is worse than the potential of them having had sex (which will happen and may already have).

So, disappointed face, some meaningful consequence short of banning the relationship, and action re contraception. Plus a pow wow with the boy and his parents (which will mortify the teens and be a punishment in itself) to set down boundaries for the future

Well you agreed with being concerned he was pressurising her into sex...no evidence for that

I’m a grandmother and I was trying to imagine how I would approach this. First of all, I don’t think that you should be thinking about punishing her. They probably are experiencing first love. I remember how powerful those feelings are. I think you should have a serious adult conversation with her about how she feels about all this, about sex at too young an age, about contraception and consent. And let her know that she can trust you not to be angry with her if she comes and talks to you about it. I do think she should know that you are disappointed that she broke your trust by letting him into your home in the night, and I also think that this is a safeguarding issue and that the boy’s parents should be informed. I never have understood how grounding children works, beyond making them angry and determined not to be caught next time.

I'm not surprised that it has turned out to be planned by both of them (unless you're in the habit of leaving your house unlocked at night, which I doubt)

There's some really good advice upthread about how to handle it. I'd say watch out for them adopting the "we didn't have sex, we just wanted to be together and sleep" line as it is vanishingly unlikely to be true.

Could still have rung his parents to collect though.

I think rather than a one way bollocking, you need to have a conversation about sex and relationships, as well as the sneaking about and deception, plus the safety of letting people into the house, or riding a bike 3 miles in the middle of the night.

I’d contact his parents, but be prepared for them to be furious with you for endangering him in the middle of the night by sending him off on his bike.

Both kids have behaved badly, and there should obviously be consequences. But you are one of the adults, and it was irresponsible to send a 14 year old child off on their own in the middle of the night.

I think you had some great advice from @jolies1 at 9.50. It’s already been quoted.

One thing I will also say is that teens can be great at deciding their own punishment. You and your dd were in tears and upset til 3am. You are obviously really close and loving.

I would go for the I love you. I am really concerned about what happened last night. Say you just want to lock her up til she’s older but you know that isn’t the right call. Then ask her what she thinks should happen. Ask her what consequences she thinks she should have. Often teens can be great at this stuff and give themselves even harsher consequences than we may have given.

If she comes up with something herself, she will be on board. And if not, you can tell her you need a little space to come up with some yourself then. No rash decisions. She understands the seriousness of this. And if you play it right this will strengthen your bond.

Is it just you and her? Any partner or siblings?

Was this an arranged sleepover where they were expected to sleep in different rooms, which (rightly or wrongly),is how I read it? Or did your DD literally let him into the house in the middle of the night?

I took it as “make sure she understands consent”.

Mixed messages or not, yes she needs to be on contraception. Some teens do have sex early, and yes you can ground her / punish her but if they want to have sex, they will find a way. I’d have driven him home personally, and spoken to his parents at the door, or told him to tell them to ring me first thing.

What does "make sure she gets consent mean"?

I will message his parents and tell them what happened

get off mumsnet fgs and tell this young teen boy’s parents.

me? I’d have called the last night