For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

Yes, this! I’m 42 now and I’d probably STILL be grounded if I’d pulled this at 14!

Well yes, exactly, that was my point. Her father could have found himself in serious trouble - and it would be her fault.

Are you joking?

I think if the DH assaulted the 14 year old it would be the DH that would be charged by the police.

Regardless of how you feel about her age it’s obvious she needs to be on contraception. It’s a disaster waiting to happen.

I would be far more pissed off about her sneaking people into the house. And also maybe (try) to make sure she’s not sharing or sending any photos she shouldn’t be, even via Snapchat. It’s way too common these days and teenagers really don’t understand the implications when they do it.

I'd be more angry about her duplicity - they'd obviously arranged this between them, he didn't just turn up at the door unexpectedly. So they can't even plead the 'oh we just got carried away' - this was planned. In a house with all her family present... it's a level of disrespect and lying that would make me incandescent. If she'd come to you and admitted that she and her boyfriend had got a little too excited and had sex and asked for advice, that's a very different thing.

I think the riot act should be read, about being honest more than anything else. What if, as a pp said, your DH caught him, didn't know who he was and assaulted him? And then called the police? Would the chance of getting sex be worth that?

Judgemental?

Don’t apologise to someone who’s just spoke to you like you’re garbage! You made a mistake! So what. That was a nasty thing they said. You can obviously read. Don’t say sorry to an asshole. Sorry, I’m not telling you what to do, it’s just I hate to see you apologise for a genuine mistake to someone who just snapped nastiness at you. X

To be honest, they're going to have sex if they want to, regardless of what parents think.

My view is that it's better you know, sort out contraception, and give them a safe space. Better that than doing it in a bush somewhere.

Same thing happened with my daughter (although he was already in the house 😂) a few years ago, and that's what I did.

After the initial shock (and shouting!) I was more mortified that she felt she couldn't confide in me, and felt like a really bad parent. I made it clear to them that I thought they were too young, but I took her to the GP and she went on the pill. He was the same age, so there were no safeguarding issues, and I had a discussion with her about consent. 3 years later they are still together.

You're doing a great job. Everything will work out OK.

I would still take her shopping tbh. Your best bet from now on is to have a good relationship and open communication rather than punishments .

You are obviously concerned, immediate anger lead to concern. Don't try and close the stable door when that horse as bolted. You can't keep her under constant watch. Ensure that contraception is on her radar.

So you would assault a 14 year old and then terrify him half to death and slso destroy any future relationship with your daughter?
It would be you that might be facing criminal charges
Not two 14 year olds who are equally culpable of having sex with a minor.

I don't think the boyfriend would have survived in our house - finding him in my 14yr olds bedroom having snuck into our house (he's got no fear obviously), I would have seen red.

If he did survive, I would have put him in the car with my husband for a slow drive home and make him tell his parents what he has been up to. He would not be welcome in my house again and I'd make it difficult for him to see my 14 yr old. My daughter would also be strongly talked to regarding boundaries and definitely conception - then I would sort out something to occupy her time more.

Yes - teenagers will be teenagers, but that boyfriend is another level and it's illegal, so I would absolutely be strong on the issue. I wish my parents had taken a stronger stance with me as a teenager - at 14 years old your not old enough to deal with sex on any level and don't understand any implications going forward.

I don't think being strict as a parent means they stop talking to you, in fact I think they know you are always in their corner as a parent (not a friend) and come to you when they need help.

You are right to be concerned but be very careful how you deal with this. When I was 15, back in the 1970s, my parents discovered I was having an intimate relationship with my 15 year old boyfriend through a diary I had been keeping. I came in from seeing friends and my diary was on the table - my Mum had been snooping because she didn't like the boy. I got a lot of 'how has this been going on?', 'have you been having intercourse' etc etc. I was grounded and they insisted the boy come round for a 'chat'. Of course, it didn't stop us continuing to do what we were doing - we were just more careful not to be found out.
My parents were otherwise lovely people who wanted the best for me but their handling of things definitely damaged how I feel about intimacy throughout my life. You need to focus on punishing the deception and emphasising what the law says, not the fact that they have been having sex. Obviously, you need to make sure your daughter is protected from pregnancy and STI's as well.

Don't be ridiculous, it's AIBU page and the title and question was perfectly reasonable and explained precisely what happened and how they reacted. Click bait is when they entice someone to click by distorting the subtext of what happened which the OP didn't do. AIBU may not be the place for you.

It makes me genuinely feel sick to my stomach when I hear parents saying that they know their child is having sex at 14yrs old and they’re not doing whatever they can to discourage it (yes, I know you can’t actively stop them). 14 is a CHILD and a child cannot consent! It doesn’t matter if they’re both under 16, neither of them should be having sex whilst still children and breaking the law, a law which stands for a reason!

So you are saying that OP knew that her daughter's boyfriend was staying over with her daughter and is lying about this to get posters on her side?

If OP had agreed to let the boyfriend sleep over, why on earth would she post on Mumsnet about it?

You are just making stuff up to fit your batshit version of events.

Sorry but she's already having sex! Their first time wouldn't be when adults are around it would be when you're both at work, or in a toilet/bathroom somewhere.
And the "friend" that she's told you about is probably her using a friend to guage your reaction!

I think you'll get the parents that will say 'when I was 14 I was happily having sex. Get them both on contraception and have keep communication open' and those (like me) who would go nuts. And it'd make me feel a whole lot better as 14 is still a child. Jeez, is he 14 too? Cycling 3miles for a fumble/ sex. And get a ring alarm/ cameras.
You can't change what's happened but wise up, she's having sex.

I am thankful that the dog would lose his marbles at any sneaking in in the middle of the night, because I am out like a light these days!

Me too

Oh god, you have my sympathy OP. This is exactly the kind of stunt my DD14 would pull with her 14yo boyfriend. They are obsessed with each other and I have to pry them apart - I have no doubt that they would be back together in the night if they thought they could get away with it. It feels like I am fighting a losing battle against the hormones and the intensity of first love. Like you I think he is a sweet boy and I am genuinely glad that she has someone caring to have these experiences with. But Jesus my nerves.....

I think the advice here is good about keeping communication open and staying calm. And I am also heeding the same advice about protection and contraception even if they insist nothing is happening in that department yet.

14yo obsession is an unstoppable force and I would rather keep a good relationship with DD than start to ban him/phone etc.

he has a 14 year old boy in her house, and therefore a duty of care, regardless of the circumstances.
If he had got run over and killed in the dark she would have had to live with that!

Ha … we set the house alarm!

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