For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

madonninamia · 2025-04-17T08:01:02+00:00

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am? He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before. God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!? My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship. I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now. How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

Clockface8 · 23/04/2025 08:32

I wonder how all this panning out

ButterCrackers · 21/04/2025 23:37

Tell the boyfriends mother that she’ll be bringing up her sons child if your dd gets pregnant. He’ll be behaving responsibly right away.

Littlefish · 21/04/2025 23:26

MustWeDoThis · 18/04/2025 17:58

Where did screaming get you? What advantage did you gain from screaming? What will grounding her do other than make her frightened to come and tell you anything from now on because of your unstable reactions.

Give her some respect, show her how to treat you with respect, make her feel comfortable enough to talk about relationships with you, and put her on the pill and get her a box of condoms. Even though she is way too young, it's better she has precaution than end up a pregnant 14yr old.

Don't frighten her off with hysterics, but there definitely should be some consequences like taking away her phone for a bit, no TV, no consoles etc

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Have you read the update? The OP has found out that this was the second time.

rainbowstardrops · 21/04/2025 08:38

I’m glad you’re able to talk things through with your daughter and you and the boy’s mum are now on the same page but I really do think you are being naive by trusting your daughter that they haven’t had sex. She has lied to you left, right and centre and could very well be simply telling you what she knows you want to hear.
Of course you know your daughter and we don’t but she’s been incredibly deceitful so far. I wouldn’t be able to believe a single word she says right now. Of course she might be telling the truth but you don’t actually know that for sure.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 19/04/2025 23:20

I do want to point out that my dd HAS NOT had sex! Many replies here seem to be determined to believe that she has which is really strange but luckily I know my daughter pretty well (apart from this massive deception!) and I know she’s being honest at least about this
How can you trust her word, she lied repeatedly, she made a fool of you with the wrong phone number while faking how sorry she is, he was caught February, how many nights do you think they got away with it in between, you are extremely naive trusting your DC.
You dropped the ball. Don't be foolish again, she has you wrapped.

Whynotaxthisyear · 19/04/2025 22:55

Sorry OP but you DD sounds like rather a good liar! Remember she persuaded you that the fake phone number you were given was her boyfriend's parents' number, rather than his own.
You were so enraged to find her in bed with a boy that she's very unlikely to admit to having had sex if it has happened, or whenever it does.

1SillySossij · 19/04/2025 22:49

madonninamia · 19/04/2025 08:15

Oookay you clearly know my daughter better than me. 😂

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Well you don't seem to know her that well! She's been pulling the wool over your eyes left right and centre, only admitting to deception whenever she's been caught out and has no choice!

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 19/04/2025 18:15

notacooldad · 19/04/2025 16:20

All these people saying they’ve had sex, we don’t know if that is true or not. They may not be ready at all or simply been too scared to dtd with parents in the house. He was in bed in pjs and tracksuit trousers. That doesn’t shout a boy ready to have sex to me. If anything, your dd is the one possibly thinking about things seeing as she bought herself some new pjs. However, I also don’t think more ‘sexy’ or revealing pjs = girl ready to have sex either. That could simply be a girl, who wants to look cute
I could believe that possibly if it was the first time they did that but it's not. It's the second.
Also what's the line that's trotted out on here everytime someone gets busted for something, that they will tell the bare minimum that they can get away with.
This is exactly what has happened here.

This doesn't make Dd a bad person. Just a young teen navigating her probably first love and not wanting to upset mum.

2nd that she is admitting to. Who knows how many times they have actually done this.

The problem is she isn’t giving any information that isn’t being forced out of her by being found out. so it makes it a lot harder to know when she is finally telling the truth.

It is going to be a very fine tightrope so she knows she has really crossed a boundary and lost a lot of trust and keeping the relationship in a working place. I was going to say open but that ship has sailed given how much she is happy to deceive you.

Good look with everything.

notacooldad · 19/04/2025 16:20

All these people saying they’ve had sex, we don’t know if that is true or not. They may not be ready at all or simply been too scared to dtd with parents in the house. He was in bed in pjs and tracksuit trousers. That doesn’t shout a boy ready to have sex to me. If anything, your dd is the one possibly thinking about things seeing as she bought herself some new pjs. However, I also don’t think more ‘sexy’ or revealing pjs = girl ready to have sex either. That could simply be a girl, who wants to look cute
I could believe that possibly if it was the first time they did that but it's not. It's the second.
Also what's the line that's trotted out on here everytime someone gets busted for something, that they will tell the bare minimum that they can get away with.
This is exactly what has happened here.

This doesn't make Dd a bad person. Just a young teen navigating her probably first love and not wanting to upset mum.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2025 15:06

All these people saying they’ve had sex, we don’t know if that is true or not. They may not be ready at all or simply been too scared to dtd with parents in the house. He was in bed in pjs and tracksuit trousers. That doesn’t shout a boy ready to have sex to me. If anything, your dd is the one possibly thinking about things seeing as she bought herself some new pjs. However, I also don’t think more ‘sexy’ or revealing pjs = girl ready to have sex either. That could simply be a girl, who wants to look cute.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 19/04/2025 11:28

madonninamia · 19/04/2025 08:15

Oookay you clearly know my daughter better than me. 😂

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I'm sure you know her very well OP -but she's a teen whose been lying to you successfully for months! It's not a reflection on your parenting, she's just 14. The stuff I was lying about at that age makes me cringe. I was a 14 year old who was sexually active with my boyfriend. Never coerced, it was my/our own bad choice. I come from a lovely, understanding and open family, great school, no trauma. I just thought I was grown up and in love. Did I tell my parents? Until I had an abortion, absolutely not. I lied through my teeth.
Hopefully she really hasn't, and you caught them before it got any further. The intention was there though. It's naive to think he was cycling over secretly in the night for a cuddle and that would have been it until they were of age.
I think you've handled things really well and have had a good chat with both your DD and his parent. At least its all out in the open now!

Hollietree · 19/04/2025 11:13

madonninamia · 19/04/2025 08:15

Oookay you clearly know my daughter better than me. 😂

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A teenage boy is not sneaking out of his house in the middle of the night, cycling across town, risking getting in trouble with his parents…….. for a cuddle and a chat.

Branleuse · 19/04/2025 11:02

I think people need to be more realistic about teenagers.

Stable door, horse bolted

StarlightLady · 19/04/2025 10:11

Clearly the OP has experienced a hard time with the situation concerning her daughter. Understandably, there are differing views on the best way forward, and l say this as someone who was a happy sexually active teenager who was not scarred for life (40s now, so no lectures please).

But there is no reason to give the OP a hard time in responses.

coparenting101 · 19/04/2025 10:01

Hey OP, I haven’t read the whole thread but I do have some experience with this. Not with my kids but with myself. I was sneaking my boyfriend in at 14/15, he’d come round during the day when the house was empty and then just hide in my room (loft room with a ladder leading into it so my mum didn’t come up that often) and he’d stay until the early hours. The first few times it happened we weren’t having sex but it eventually led to that. Once we were caught by my older sister I just started sneaking out and going to his instead, he was in a bungalow so I’d just climb through his bedroom window. Parents came down on me like a ton of bricks when I was caught but the fact is I kept doing it anyway. And once I’d had sex I didn’t stop so by all means punish her/make sure there are consequences but more importantly keep those lines of communication open and sort out contraception. I got in so much trouble but nobody ever sat down with me and explained about the dangers or about consent or just had a calm conversation with me about sex. If they had, maybe things would have been different but all I knew about sex was the very minimal sex ed I’d had which is obviously better in schools now but will never beat open communication with someone safe. If I’d known about how important consent was and that there were other ways to satisfy my crazy teenage hormonal urges then I don’t think I would of carried on sleeping with him or any others boys until I was older. Good luck.

Muffinmam · 19/04/2025 09:58

madonninamia · 19/04/2025 08:15

Oookay you clearly know my daughter better than me. 😂

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You don’t know your daughter. She’s been sneaking her boyfriend in for months and lied to your face and said it was only one time. Her boyfriend lied to you by giving you his own mobile number so you wouldn’t tell his mum!
Your daughter knew this. She’s telling you what you want to hear.

You need to get her a pregnancy test and then put her on the pill.

Muffinmam · 19/04/2025 09:56

madonninamia · 18/04/2025 18:47

Thank you to those of you who have really spent the time to give me your thoughts and advice it’s been amazingly heartwarming I must say :-) and very very helpful.
I do want to point out that my dd HAS NOT had sex! Many replies here seem to be determined to believe that she has which is really strange but luckily I know my daughter pretty well (apart from this massive deception!) and I know she’s being honest at least about this 😅
Those of you who seem to have an ironclad strength with their emotions and have judged me for the lack of mine - lucky you! You all clearly are the gold standards of how I wish I could be, cool as a cucumber and all knowing about how to react under shock and surprise.

Anyway dd has opened up a lot since the terrible discovery, and she been surprisingly candid about what’s been going on with her and even though it’s a struggle to hear how deceitful she’s been these last months I think I’m slowly getting the hang of listening without immediate judgement which is a monumental first for me.
And I have finally met the boyfriend’s mum today so now we are working together on boundaries for them. And that’s all thanks to the suggestions from many fantastic posters on here! 💐

She lied for months. Yet you still choose to believe her?

You need to install a security alarm and cameras (outside her window) and not tell her. She can’t be trusted. She’s 14 and sneaking a boy in.

BillyBoe46 · 19/04/2025 09:19

Your daughter is a teenager. Do you know how you can tell if a teenager is lying? There mouth is moving. Your daughter and her boyfriend have both been sneaky, deceptive and frankly bare-faced. You can believe what you want. I bet you wouldn't have believed she was sneaking her boyfriend in for sleepovers a few nights ago. Do you think this has only happened the two times they've been caught? Unless you want to get left holding the baby I'd seriously consider the implanf or contraceptiv injection. Ultimately, it's your daughters life that will change if she gets pregnant, whether she keeps the baby or not, the consequences will be hers to bare.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/04/2025 09:16

Wow. So this isn’t the first time. Total breech of your trust and giving a fake number as well

Amazed his parents didn’t contact you the first time it happened

but you can’t change the past

going forward not sue what to suggest.

do they go to same school?

phone ban

I wouldn’t beleive also about her bf mums being ok having sex at 14 either

Ariana12 · 19/04/2025 08:52

x2boys · 19/04/2025 05:58

Which they would both be guilty of and which the police woukd have no interest in prosecuting

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My point is exactly the first part of this sentence. OPs daughter woukd be guilty of a criminal offence as well as the BF. What the police may choose ultimately to do is just one factor.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 19/04/2025 08:44

madonninamia · 19/04/2025 08:15

Oookay you clearly know my daughter better than me. 😂

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With all due respect she did pull one over on you with her boyfriends 'parents' phone number

Original poster

madonninamia · 19/04/2025 08:15

1SillySossij · 19/04/2025 02:48

You don't know she isn't having sex (unless you have examined her hymen!!) stop saying she is honest when she clearly is anything but!

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Oookay you clearly know my daughter better than me. 😂

OP posts:

x2boys · 19/04/2025 05:58

Ariana12 · 18/04/2025 23:14

Hi. There's of course all the sensible advice about a calm discussion, boundaries etc. But you also need to be aware that sex between under 16s is currently a criminal offence. I think there's a proposal to change this if both parties are minors but I'm pretty sure that hasn't happened yet. So that's something else to factor in.

Which they would both be guilty of and which the police woukd have no interest in prosecuting

1SillySossij · 19/04/2025 02:48

madonninamia · 18/04/2025 18:47

Thank you to those of you who have really spent the time to give me your thoughts and advice it’s been amazingly heartwarming I must say :-) and very very helpful.
I do want to point out that my dd HAS NOT had sex! Many replies here seem to be determined to believe that she has which is really strange but luckily I know my daughter pretty well (apart from this massive deception!) and I know she’s being honest at least about this 😅
Those of you who seem to have an ironclad strength with their emotions and have judged me for the lack of mine - lucky you! You all clearly are the gold standards of how I wish I could be, cool as a cucumber and all knowing about how to react under shock and surprise.

Anyway dd has opened up a lot since the terrible discovery, and she been surprisingly candid about what’s been going on with her and even though it’s a struggle to hear how deceitful she’s been these last months I think I’m slowly getting the hang of listening without immediate judgement which is a monumental first for me.
And I have finally met the boyfriend’s mum today so now we are working together on boundaries for them. And that’s all thanks to the suggestions from many fantastic posters on here! 💐

You don't know she isn't having sex (unless you have examined her hymen!!) stop saying she is honest when she clearly is anything but!

GabriellaFaith · 19/04/2025 00:19

Definitely speak to his parents. Definitely re-speak to her and definitely go over the legal consequences, personal consequences, and any consequences you are putting in place for if it happens again.

Not sure it's right, but personally I would also ensure the house alarm was set, and with a code the daughter doesn't know, so she can't go down and let him in at night.

If he's coming in by a window, camera!

I think I'd also put the hallway lights on timers to keep going on and off all night 😂