Financially providing, but just feel it’s still not right…Career / Job / working as a team

Hows things op?

First thing you need to do op is go onto the government website set up your state pension account access on there and check what payments are missing. This might be the one hes referring to. He might be paying your NI contributions. If not you need to get onto this as this is the barest of bare minimum pension you need to pay into.

then a conversation re what hes got (and get proof not just words) pension/savings/who the house names are in. If he has death in service are you named as beneficiary on everything. With you not being married, its imperative you sort this asap. Get a mirror will in place.

then have a frank awks conversation about how you want to get financially back on track by working, how that will look with school drop offs, childcare etc. you work as a team to sort this

if hes still adamant it all falls to you including the mental load, washing/cleaning house, then you can come back here for advice/need to have a good think about what future you have/want. Changes need to be made and set in stone (not throw away comments about “the house will be signed over to you if we split” - that will not happen ever)

I vote go back to work full time anyway. He clearly wants everything all his way and life isn't like that. He will need to pay his fair share of childcare and do more round the house. Obviously you won't be around as much and he will need to step up

These posts always amuse me, l have seen a lot of "he wants me work full time, earn more money but for him not to do more round the house or pay fair share of childcare costs". Do they think women are some kind of magician?! Magicking up free flexible wrap around childcare out of nowhere

But if you were married you would be entitled to half of his pension. This would make a big difference to you. You really need to watch your own back here.

You can't share a pension - it's not like a joint bank account or mortgage.

He may have named you as beneficiary which means if he dies, the pension pot goes to you. But he can remove you as a beneficiary at any time. You have no security.

I would strongly urge you to get married for your financial protection and also to have a pension in your own name. You do not need a big wedding. You don't need a wedding at all - just book in the at the town hall and get two random people to act as witnesses.

Marriage also makes the administration of a death far far easier so it is also protecting you if he dies and vice versa.

Has it been discussed? Do you both have wills in place already? Otherwise if one of you dies, the other does not automatically inherit the other half of the house if you aren't married. Plus you would be liable for more inheritance tax as you won't get the marriage allowance.

Why’s he the boss? Just say no that doesn’t work for you, you’ll need to come together as a team to work out a solution - like all married couples do.

He refuses to leave for work 4 or 5 minutes later to make things easier for you and your son? This man is not a kind person OP. And I agree that it sounds like you are financially vulnerable. Why aren't you married?

I had a career of 30 years in HE & L&D it’s been heavily impacted by AI. Just be very aware that if you’re not very up on AI it’s not a certain career now.

It sounds like he has you as a beneficiary on his pension, and isn’t actually topping up a pension in your sole name whilst you’re not working / working low hours. As you’re unmarried, this puts you in a very vulnerable position, as if you split, he walks away with his fat pension, and you, nothing.

If you’re working full time you need to look at both incomes and split household contributions fairly according to income. You should be paying towards mortgage and bills, and he should pay towards childcare. I personally would get back to full time work asap given you’re unmarried, and doesn’t sound like he is topping up a private pension for you. I guess he feels he pays enough already, and perhaps he does, but you need to look at incomes and work out a fair split.

Indeed.
Ignore all promises of what he'll give you if you break up. If it isn't in your name now, he won't even give it to you while you are together!

Interesting that he won't do his share of childcare but he also wants you to work. Really odd that he only wants you to work in something with few prospects.
Do you have financial transparency? Has the recent cost of living spooked him?
You'd be better off in your career role than picking up minimum wage shifts. Well done with that, it isn't easy.

i might be wrong but you cant have a pension pot for two people. You can only be a named beneficiary if he dies and leaves it to you. He might not do this, he could name anyone on there. You are completely financially vulnerable. I would really be extremely worried in your position. He said he would leave the house to you but if you split up, and hes gone from mr nice guy to arsehole, he wont keep that promise unfortunately. Do you have a will each? You know not being married, if you dont have a will, his share of the house, pension etc could end up with his next of kin and not you

i do not knkw actually if my name is on the pension pot

Sigh. What does this even mean? He may have named you as a beneficiary on HIS pension......... but it is still HIS pension. And he can take you off as a named beneficiary at any time.

You are very vulnerable. You need a pension - and a career - of your own.

As for this:

Once we had a conversation about the fact that , if I am with him because of financial security and he said if that comes to that point he will give me the house.

And pigs might fly...

Why, in this day and age, do women still shoot themselves in the foot.

You and so many other women. Thank you for articulating it so well.

this isnt clear. Do you have a pension in your name he is paying into?

what course are you doing? Will it lead to a well paid job? Comparable to his?

So into his only then with the promise its for both of you?

It sounds like you’ve got into a pattern where you’re responsible for everything to do with kids and home, and he pays the bills. Now he wants you to share his responsibility (bills) but he does not want to share any of yours. Yes, it’s unfair.
when you ask him to contribute to childcare all you’re doing is demonstrating the financial value of what you contribute to this set up. He doesn’t sound like he understands this at all - how much you facilitate his career.

This.
A big part of which arises from the fact he has never had to 'parent' from the start.

But I can NOT understand how two people can be a family unit and keep their finances separate. It just does not make sense.

You are not married, correct?

How much are you saving into a pension? What's your plan for old age?

You have facilitated him working full time and climbing the career ladder. He and his employer will have contributed significant sums over these years to his pension pot.

As you are not married, you have no claim on his pension pot if you separate.

By not working and then only working part time/not pushing on with career progression, you will have lost several years of pension contributions. If you remain part time now or in low paid work, your contributions will remain low.

What this means is that he will have a comfortable old age and you will be poor in your old age.

You MUST think about this. He should have been making contributions to your own pension fund while you were doing the domestic labour of the household.

You say partner, not husband, so you are very vulnerable. You scaled back your career for his sake and now find yourself at a crossroads. Time to focus on your career and try and make up what you have sacrificed.

NB: please tell me the house is in both your names and he has paid for your pension/SIPP while you were looking after his children...

You say long term partner not husband. Im assuming hes paid into a pension, youve not?