I know IABU but I cant seem to let this go

Why dont you ask her to cut them in half - no choking risks that way and she gets to eat whatever she wants.

I understand you, I choked on a crisp once, completely blocked my airway, it was extremely scary, I was also pregnant at the time. I came at weaning from a whole different perspective after that, totally different than how I’d been with my oldest.

So is it only your youngest DD that you worry about? What about DD3? I think that rather than making "We're just oddballs" excuses you should get some help to assess risks more efficiently. At the moment you're limiting your and your DD's life to little effect. I don't know anyone who has died on their own from choking. The only person I know who has died was with friends, a fully grown adult male, and he wasn't eating grapes or tomatoes.

Got my back up to. Look at my big rugby playing son and my teeny tiny daughter. Such a cliché on mumsnet.

I did have an incident with DD when she was about 3 (which already shows how ridiculous my fear of this is now she’s 13). We went to a garden centre with DM and Dsis for lunch. DD had cherry tomatoes on her plate. She grabbed one before I could cut it, bit into it hard while looking at me and the whole thing spurted all over my glasses. I couldn’t see a bloody thing and people at tables near us burst out laughing. She did the same with a frube yogurt in public once as well 🙈🙈

You’re being as unreasonable as I am. I still cut up grapes and cherry tomatoes for my 13 year old DD. She’s a little bugger because if she finds me doing it she’ll grab either whole and bite through them with her front teeth to make her point. I get that it’s an instinct especially with choking history but I guess you and I will have to stop. There’s bigger problems when they’re older, though I know it feels safe to stick to limiting the little things you can control.
It’s not just you OP

I insist on them biting things like that in half. The younger ones at least.

Ah listen, it’s a small thing in the grand scale of life, and if you don’t have other fixations like this I think it’s not a big thing. My mum’s cousin died in a motorbike accident before I was born. From the moment I can remember my mum was absolutely adamant that we were never to go on a motorbike, ever. And none of us ever have, out of respect. It’s had zero negative impact on my life and she isn’t in any way controlling or weird about anything else. Her thing is motorbikes. Yours is choking.

@PyongyangKipperbang - I grew up in the 1970s. We didn’t have a fire drill in our homes and I don’t know anyone who did. We did have them at school and periodically have them even now in our office. But never at home. So I think it may have planted a seed for you. I was terribly fearful of being poisoned when I was young and I can trace that back to certain childhood impressions and experiences (including having a laburnum tree in the garden and picking toadstools because I thought they were mushrooms - didn’t eat any; it’s 50 years ago but I still remember my grandmother going very pale when I showed her what I’d picked).

I agree with the PP who said you can find danger everywhere if you look for it. We probably all have certain eccentricities, though. It sounds like your family is able to give each other some grace around these and not being able to eat cherry tomatoes or grapes while alone is relatively easily managed. The problem would be if it became more constraining (eg they can’t eat at all, which would be an unacceptable intrusion on their autonomy).

If she cut them in half length ways...would that be OK?

I've only just stopped cutting grapes for ds11 ...actually I probably still would cut them for his lunch box. I know iabu too (he is the youngest so that doesn't help, they get babied longer)

@PyongyangKipperbang are you incredibly and highly anxious because that is exhausting to have as a mother.

and it doesn’t make sense - lots of things are choking hazards - me it was a bit of fatty steak I was able to pull out before it got me. Never a cherry tomato or grape. You have hyper focused on one particular choking risk

I think it’s understandable. I had this with mine after I stayed somewhere a teen had died from shock whilst mowing the lawn. The times I wanted help with that lawn , but I couldn’t make myself ask. In the end I chucked the lawnmower and bought a battery one. I obviously do know it’s unhelpful as they will leave sometime, and come across electric mowers, and that the key thing is a circuit breaker.

I don't think the size of the person makes any difference when it comes to choking. I saw a man choke in a restaurant. They made him stand up to do the heimlich and he must have been nearly 7 foot tall! Everyone around him was too short to properly do it as they couldn't get into the right position under his chest.

Op you sound like me when I get invasive thoughts. I'm a bit fixated about dd2 being hit by a car just now because she has to cross a busy road on the way to school. I have had much worse ones since I had children and sometimes it feels like they take over my life. It's very much part of GAD which hasn't been nearly as bad since I had a course of CBT.
My other fixations have been car accidents and not being able to get both kids out fast enough. A friend suggested I buy that combo hammer seatbelt cutter thing and this helped more than you can imagine.
I've also fixated on the dds being abducted....you get the idea.

It's grim but it's potentially treatable xx

I get you op! I saw my mum choke on chocolate as a young child (she was okay) and my poor cousin died after choking during an epileptic seizure at home alone.
I’ve been anxious about this for years but realised that I can’t control what my dc do when they’re not in my sight. It’s so hard and I wish I had more helpful words for you op. Just know you’re not alone!

I worked with someone who choked to death alone aged 40 so YANBU

I think the fire brigade advise everyone to have one. I remember my parents running through ours when we were kids and I've mentioned mine to my kids when they were worried about a fire. It's really safe to know a rough plan of what you'd do and a couple of exit options.

I grew up knowing what to do in case of fire, how to get out depending which upstairs bedroom I was in. I had a fire plan when my kids were little, which of us would get which child and how we would get out. When the kids got older I told my kids what to do.

surely that’s just common sense

I would make the effort to over come this if I were you, with self help strategies or talking therapy if required. It's even possible some form of medication may help you, though at this stage may well not be necessary.

I am not so much saying this for your daughter's sake (she clearly sees your rules as slightly endearing, and you aren't restricting her freedom in any meaningful way). But for your own.

This sort of thing can easily escalate. I have a family member who started off with some minor random health tyoe anxieties such as this, refused to do anything about them, and over time they proliferated - she now lives and very strange and restricted life. It's mildly frustrating and sad for those of us who love her, it's hell for her really......

You know it's not normal OP. Please. Deal with it while it's manageable. Learn some strategies to cope with it, before it gets any worse.