Why do people hate big families?

I have five kids and have been on the receiving end of bad assumptions upon arrival. When my kids were small, my DH worked away every other week. This meant I was usually taking the kids places on my own. Unfortunately, most people have encountered large families of unruly children who don’t seem bothered to actually parent them, so some of them assume all large families will be that way. People also assume that any children will be disruptive, so large families make them nervous.

I can’t say none of my children ever misbehaved in public because they were children who behaved appropriately to their ages. What most people don’t realize is that most larger families have to plan more carefully, be more prepared and have a tighter reign on their children. Otherwise, things can devolve into a chaotic mess that makes going anywhere miserable.

I remember one specific vacation we took. Our youngest was only a few months old and our oldest was about 7. The place we traveled to had laws about how many people/sq ft were allowed in a hotel room. This was before Airbnb’s were really a thing. We ended up renting a suite in a really upscale hotel because that was safer and more economical than getting multiple rooms in a cheaper hotel. At check in, the staff member warned us that if we were disruptive, they would have to ask us to leave. A couple of days later, they were complimenting our children on their good behavior.

That same trip, we booked a meal at an upscale restaurant. They didn’t have a children’s menu, so I made arrangements for the kitchen to split a couple of entrees. Again, we were warned at booking that if our children were disruptive, we would be asked to leave. By the end of the meal, other diners were coming up to our table and complimenting our children on their good behavior. The restaurant gave our children complimentary deserts to reward them for behaving.

I learned to not get upset about people’s assumptions. I just did what I needed to do to make our outings enjoyable and successful. The ironic thing is the only time anyone ever said anything negative to us was when we had two children. We were eating at a restaurant that catered to families with small children. One of our DC was telling my husband about a story they heard in Sunday school. They were not raising their voice and were speaking quieter than the lady at the table next to us. That lady came to our table and berated and shouted at my husband for allowing our child to speak while in public. The restaurant staff actually asked her to leave and apologized to us for her rudeness.

I’m from a big family myself and I don’t recall any side eyes at us when we were younger, not that I would’ve noticed or cared.

I got the usual predictable and boring comments though ‘did your mum and dad not have a tv?’ and ‘are your parents catholic? rah rah’
Those ‘hilarious’ comments were always met with a blank expression and me saying ‘ eh, what do you mean?’
They didn’t usually explain themselves further😏

Edit: Try not to get upset, op. It says more about them as people, than you and your family. As another pp said, some people are just arseholes.

Big groups of people (families, childminders etc…) don’t even register for me unless they’re loud rude or boisterous. If your getting the sort of reaction you suggest then it’s probably that

Well they are getting family allowance for each child but I don't think that's a major cause.

I think it's they assume big families are claiming benefits, of course not all are.

Well it’s not somewhere that kids should be running around like crazy being loud. There are animals to be careful of so I’d expect it to be busy but quiet to be honest.

I don’t mind big families, my dear friend has 4 kids under 8. Whilst I adore them I have avoided inviting them round since one of them decided to draw on my chair the last time they visited me. I’m not angry or upset about it, but I do think she has her hands full its impossible to have ones eyes in 4 places all at once.

I have 5 children and haven't felt any prejudice. Quite the opposite, really.

We have 3, and often bring 2 more with us.

Never had this!

A school trip with 30 or more may evoke this reaction but seriously?

Yours must be really rough and/or loud to get that response from multiple families.

If true.

I’ve always taken my niece and nephew along with my own 3 dc and people would assume we were one family. I only ever got nice comments and some curious people would ask if they were all mine or make the comments of having hands full and so on.
I never had negative comments or reactions.
Sorry you’ve been made to feel uncomfortable

I had 4 dc and honestly never experienced this. And of my 4 dc, 3 were boys and when young, often wore trackie bottoms (comfortable) and had buzz cuts (to avoid both nits and hair washing 😉), so we would have looked a bit 'chavvy' by some people's definition. And yet this never happened to us.

I'm thinking that your children are much louder/more boisterous than you realise. And 7 children plus adults all arriving at once, does change the vibe - all of a sudden the venue is busier, noisier!

@FluffyPaw I think there are some people out there who just get annoyed at the mere sight of you. They are not particularly rational or reasonable people and hold a lot of prejudices for whatever reason. They might have treated you arriving with a small family or just your DH the same way.

I’ve had that a couple of times when arriving at my airline seat with my 11 year old son, no other kids and the women sitting in the seats in front just glaring at me with total disdain when they first arrived. I’m like whaaaat? What did I do?? Do I smell? One of the women continued to act angry with me throughout the whole flight, leaning her seat back into my face and then waving her hand angrily when I awkwardly got up to go to the toilet. Sooo weird but then once I was off the plane, I never saw her again and that’s the way I like it.

This, I'm mum of 2 boys, one with ADHD. I can tolerate really high noise levels daily. I get used to it. My friend who has very quiet and calm daughter needs ibuprofen for headache after an hour at our house...

I have two and a step son, and I'm not hugely tolerant of a lot of children tbh 😂 I love my own obviously, and friends kids, but a massive group of kids I don't know I would swerve. You'll find it's likely pre emptive, you know that the kids are ok but others might think they're going to be naughty, loud, disruptive, etc, and they decide to move just in case

I don't have a problem with large families but I can imagine "herding' 7 kids involved a lot of cajoling and instructions, possibly being carried out at volume.
'Amy, get your coat on!'
'Jack, wait for the others'
'Jack, I said wait'
'Adam, you don't need that stick...'
You get the picture.

People would have had the same reaction if it was the same sized group made up of only children. 7 kids plus parents is a pretty large group of people that will naturally make a fair bit of noise and take up a lot of space. Not everyone wants to be around that.

It's this: 'planning their next move'.

The group no doubt all go swarming onto the space together, playing a big game as a group, which is then quite excluding of other children nearby who feel outnumbered.

I'm sure your kids have a whale of a time, because they are the dominant group and can probably fairly hog play equipment etc, but it's probably not much fun for the 2 siblings who are on their own and dont feel they can come play on the pirate ship now because 7 children all in a group have taken over it.

There's an easy solution OP - don't do every single day trip as a group? Why not sometimes go on separate days out as a 4 and a 3. You don't need to go everywhere as a pack

I think it’s just proximity to a large group of noisy kids. You’re not doing anything wrong and neither are they unless they made rude comments.

If I arrived at an attraction at the same time as you I’d roll my eyes at being stuck behind a big group in the queue/all the way round, it’s not personal just mildly annoying. I’d move my picnic too for some extra space.

When I grew up the only families I knew with 4+ kids were all pretty feral though so that may colour my perception!

So, I have nothing against large families. One of my oldest friends has 9 DCs - 5 girls & 4 boys. However, what I have noticed over the years is adult friends turning up at places with a large number of children between them tend to sit themselves down in a quiet corner with a coffee having a lovely catch up whilst all 7 children run around pretty much unwatched.

2 parents with 7 DCs or a parent & a grandparent etc tend to take turns watching the children more closely.

It’ll be the noise factor. I say this as part of a big family. They all speak over each other trying to be heard - it’s not pleasant to be around. I need decompression time after being together with mine - much as I love them.

either that or they think your sister wives 😂

No one cares if you’re 2 big families. They don’t want to hang out with 7 kids b

People don't hate large families. But large groups of children who came together to an attraction tend to take over space quite a bit - they'll dominate an area of the play equipment or similar and because there are more of them in a group they can seem like a gang to other children and it can be off putting.

Its nothing to do with 'large families' it would be exactly the same if 3 school mums arrived at an attraction together with their 7 children in a big group.

Is your name Stacey? Because I have 5 children and never get this reaction, but the person I'm thinking of has 4 and the family are a nightmare, stick out like a sore thumb!

To me it's not different than being a bit annoyed by a large, noisy table at a restaurant.

Technically they're doing nothing wrong and enjoying it the same as everyone else, but they're louder and suck up more resources by being a bigger group - a table of two isn't calling down to a table of two ten feet away.

Same goes for friends using equipment at the gym - a group hog a few machines in sequence and you can't nip in and out quickly.

In playgrounds, a group of friends will often sit and monopolise some equipment for quite a while, whilst pairs of friends will move on more quickly.

It's a case where no one is doing anything wrong, but other people have a right to prefer otherwise.

I think you’re probably louder than you realise.

And I also don’t think it’s big families, just big groups. You were 7 children plus some parents, so 9-11 people? I think it makes sense to say “we arrived at the wrong time” if they were behind you in the queue. She should have been a bit quieter though.

Theres also a change in dynamic when a big group of children know each other at the playground. They’re absolutely not doing anything wrong by being there, but a handful of children who don’t know each other can be swamped by 7 who do and all play on equipment together. It’s different to 7 children who don’t know each other imo. But to be clear, I’m not saying that the children or the parents are doing anything wrong.