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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you look after your kids if it’s in a court order

39 replies

Reallyneedsaholiday · 16/04/2025 16:40

Just that really. Regardless of whether you, or your AP have a headache, or a cold. Regardless of whether you “have a better offer” for the weekend. Regardless of whether your child is feeling slightly under the weather. Or whether you can’t book enough annual leave to cover 50% of the school holidays, as per the court order.
If you have a court order with scheduled times, why is always the resident parent who is left to pick up the pieces? I’ve seen people on here before, saying “just take the kids round”, or “make them”, but we all know that that’s now the real world works. And I know I’m just having a moan, but ffs, why is it that the minute I have plans of my own, on a VERY rare free weekend (child free, and booked the weekend off work) they cancel, meaning that I now need to cancel my own plans at my own expense - again

OP posts:
TealSapphire · 18/04/2025 04:39

And yes, you can force them to parent (to an extent) but that leaves the kids feeling like neither parent wants them.

TealSapphire · 18/04/2025 04:37

Which idiots voted yabu??

Sadly many deadbeat dads see parenting as optional, and the resident parent as the default.

MittensForKittens123 · 18/04/2025 04:28

I’m sure you know this @Reallyneedsaholiday , but your kids will remember that you were always there for them, and your ex couldn’t be relied upon.

My dad was flakey about contact weekends (in reality it was usually only an afternoon he could be bothered with) and as adults me and my sis are v close with my mum, and treat my dad like a slightly awkward uncle we see occasionally.

Rtmhwales · 18/04/2025 03:40

I think this is wild in the UK. I’m in Canada now and if the parent doesn’t take their time they’re charged more in child support and you can also bill them for the childcare you had to arrange/cover for their time.

Jengat · 18/04/2025 00:56

YANBU. Men like this are less than useless. The scrap heap is too good for them.

Original poster
Reallyneedsaholiday · 18/04/2025 00:52

Eight years on and I’m used to it now, just still grates occasionally.

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 16/04/2025 17:49

Love51 · 16/04/2025 17:27

It sucks.
Are you keeping a record of it? Can it then be used as grounds to vary the court order, so he's not being asked to do more than he can commit to? I've no idea if that actually works in practice.

Id follow up with an email, just confirming his cancelling. Each time.

SpainToday · 16/04/2025 17:32

Unfortunately a court order can't make someone be a parent, it's only there to make the resident parent allow contact if the other parent wants it.

Very true.

Anonanonanon2025 · 16/04/2025 17:29

Lmnop22 · 16/04/2025 16:59

YANBU. If it’s their weekend, they have the kids or they sort out alternative childcare. That’s it.

They can ask you, and if it works for you or child is ill and really wants to be home, maybe you’ll say yes. If it doesn’t, they have to sort out a family member, babysitter, sort it with work etc etc. The same way resident parent has to when things come up and the other parent says no.

Except that does not work in reality and they cannot be forced to have the child even if it is "their" time.

Secretsquirels · 16/04/2025 17:28

I had this a lot when we first split up. On a friend's advice for 6 months I pretended that all changes worked really well with my plans.

Thanks for letting me know you're cancelling this weekend EXH, that actually works really well because I was hoping to take the kids to my parents this weekend. Just so you know they're a bit disappointed though.

Actually, being 4 hours late is perfect ExH - I was half way through cleaning the kitchen so its brilliant to have the extra time. Are you going to let school know they'll be late or shall I?

Thanks for letting me know that you're not picking up till Saturday morning EXH - that actually fits better for me because I've been finding the weekends without the kids a bit long - see you tomorrow.

Turns out that half of it was enjoying pissing on my plans (possibly subconsciously if we're being charitable) and once I did this he got a lot more reliable. I still don't tell him now if I've got anything fun planned for when he's got the kids incase he comes down with manflu!

Love51 · 16/04/2025 17:27

It sucks.
Are you keeping a record of it? Can it then be used as grounds to vary the court order, so he's not being asked to do more than he can commit to? I've no idea if that actually works in practice.

FortyElephants · 16/04/2025 17:23

It does make you wonder why some men go to the trouble of going to court if they don't actually want to look after their children. I suspect it's more about controlling the mothers. Unfortunately a court order can't make someone be a parent, it's only there to make the resident parent allow contact if the other parent wants it.

Snorlaxo · 16/04/2025 17:15

Yanbu

Lmnop22 · 16/04/2025 16:59

YANBU. If it’s their weekend, they have the kids or they sort out alternative childcare. That’s it.

They can ask you, and if it works for you or child is ill and really wants to be home, maybe you’ll say yes. If it doesn’t, they have to sort out a family member, babysitter, sort it with work etc etc. The same way resident parent has to when things come up and the other parent says no.

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