To think you look after your kids if it’s in a court order

I'm guessing he fought for 50/50 so he didn't have to pay CM. I dunno how it works in situations where the reality doesn't reflect the paper it's written on but seems like a possibility to me. Typical penis haver behaviour.

I want my kids to have a relationship with their Dad, I want him to be reliable and turn up for them. I want them to be able to rely on me to always be there for them because he isn't.

I was never able to force my ex to parent - if he didn't want the kids when he was supposed to have them, he just didn't pick them up.

I wasn't going to leave a kid at school becausr Dad gave me an hours notice that he wasn't able to do pick up that day.

You can't make them.turn up to get their kids, can't drop the kids to them if they won't open the door though. And men can usually count on their ex to cover for them, as no one is going to tell the kids that their Dad won't be seeing them as he can't be arsed.

It sucks. All you can do is keep count and go back to court for reduced contact/increased maintenance.

This is why, despite my solicitor urging a formal plan, I left it that he just has to give me 2 weeks notice of wanting to see them (with the proviso, that I can reasonably refuse if the kids don't want to). It means that whilst I can't plan ahead for my child-free time really (although they're getting older, so this is becoming less of a problem), I can plan stuff with them, and not have to waste the money if he decides he wants them (because I'll just say no)

Otherwise we have no contact at all - it's all calendar invites. I'm not dealing with his nonsense and excuses. One rare day a few months ago I had something booked that I had to leave for at 9:30 when he picks them up at 9. Of course that was the day he was late. He said 'sorry I'm late' and I replied "don't be ridiculous, if you were sorry then you wouldn't be late" and ignored his gobsmacked face as I got in my car. That's the only words we've exchanged in 3 years!

@SpainToday thats a really misjudged thing to say. I love my girls- I love taking them out and we have a nice time together. However, the mental pressure of looking after 4 small children is incredibly wearing and like anyone else I need time to myself to relax a bit, because I cannot relax when I’m looking after them. This is the same for my DW. So we ensure that each other has the odd lie in, a day off on the weekends every now and again, so they have time to go and see friends, or whatever else they want to do by themselves. It’s not a problem- it’s a normal thing for humans to need a respite from the mental pressure of having to always be responsible.

Honestly children can be such idiots. They need watching, they squabble, they hurt themselves, they are CONSTANTLY hungry, they get bored and whinge. I can only imagine how difficult this is for single parents and feel for them tremendously.

I learnt early on never to tell ex I have plans as he would definitely cancel to mess them up.

court orders are against the resident parent. You have to make the child available but non resident parent doesn’t have to take them.

my ex even said in court he needed enough contact to take him into a lower maintenance bracket. Judge awarded that and then ex doesn’t follow the court order. CMS don’t care they just say they go by what’s on a court order if I want to change it then go back to court.

fucking joke of a system

No it wasn’t directed at anyone in particular, it’s just a theme that seems to crop up regularly on MN, and IRL Apologies for any offence caused.

This is perfect.

It is so annoying and of course there is nothing you can do about it. Only a complete twat would drop their children off somewhere they weren’t wanted.

I do agree with PP re giving ex the impression you are pleased, rather than annoyed, if you think he’s doing it deliberately. And obviously don’t ever let him know your plans in advance.

I would record o. Tge parent app that they are in breach of the court order - each and every time. If it was regular I would ask for maintenance to be re-considered.

Well, you can just drop them and run.

Involve his family, so they can pressure him to have them or they can step in and look after them instead.

Tell the school it's dads day to collect them so they call him to come get them.

All dependent on if he gives a shit what others think about him, and not a long term solution. My ex changed his days frequently, and I was left scrambling trying to work things out. Last time he saw them, he'd just moved an hour away. I dropped them and ran, he was meant to have them for three nights but returned them the next day. That was a year ago and he hasn't seen them since.

How can you?
my daughter’s ex just suddenly said he wasn’t having their child on one if his days anymore. Nothing she could do.
Went from EOW Friday to Sunday to just EOW Saturday.

Child free time is a really tricky thing. It hurts like hell not to have them around, and you wonder what they’re doing, are they ok. You also have a weird feeling of not knowing what to do - Saturdays with your child are planned around football training, swimming, parties… It takes a long time and a lot of effort to learn to see this new free time as an opportunity. Go to the gym, go to the boring thing that kids wouldn’t be interested in, book tickets for a show, see friends. So when you’ve forced yourself to start having a ‘child free life’… yes it’s a PITA when the other parent bails. Your plans are cancelled, the kids are hurt and disappointed… it sucks!

It’s awful, I had years of it. Even wanting to bring them home from holiday early as they knew I was working and earning money. It’s a control thing to stop you doing anything, it got me so down but eventually when I stopped reacting he went away for a few years. Hasn’t had them overnight since, now they are adults that see him once every few months.
Doesn’t help you now I know. I feel for you it got me so down

Because when you are the RP your childfree time is rare and precious.

You can't just leave the kids with your OH while you pop to the shops for milk. You can't just go for a run while dad makes breakfast. You can't just have a glass of wine knowing someone else can do early morning.

Sometimes, you might even plan to go to an event and book tickets months in advance, excited for your "night off".

And when the NRP decides to throw a fit for no reason, your plans are ruined. It doesn't mean you don't love the bones of your children, it just means you sometimes appreciate a minute unaccompanied. NRP often seem to do this as a power play, which makes it even worse, and for the children who also have their plans ruined.

It's all fine & well saying that but the problem comes when they message saying "I'm not taking the kids" it's not asking if you can have them or if you have plans,they just don't turn up or intend to do it just falls on the resident parent to do it or arrange something

I don't think it's sad for the resident parent to be disappointed that the other parent is not consistent and feels like it's perfectly fine to just decide they can't be bothered and leave them to pick up the pieces.

And their child-free time. Which is absolutely fine, it just seems the opposite of what you’d expect

Nobody is fighting over child free time. They’re fighting for reliability, consistency and stability for their child.

If people aren't nice, reliable and decent pre divorce then they probably won't have a personality transplant after.

Sorry for your messed up plans though!

Yep it sucks.

My ex used the courts for control - went for (& got) two of three weekends (eow weekend wasn't enough but he moved too far away for weekdays), just over half of holidays and other dates significant to him.

In three years he saw our girls 11 times. Regularly just didn't turn up at all. Yet when we went back to court I was told I was being "unhelpful" in not understanding that his job meant he couldn't always stick to it. There was an air of me being unreasonable in asking that he let the girls know by Thursday that he wasn't collecting them on Friday.

Took another year to have the order changed. Thankfully a different judge saw right through him. After she ripped into him he stopped using the courts as a control tool.

Yes - and it always surprises me that instead of each parent fighting to have more time with the child, the child-free time seems to be the thing they fight about. Sad really