Triggered by breastfeeding

This is so important and not spoke about often enough!
I managed to breastfeed but I had raging guilt over it. My DS and my niece were born at the same time. My niece was a mirco preemie, born at 25 weeks only 1lb 6oz. The hospital needed breastmilk for her, but my sister in law just couldn't build a supply, I tried helping, gave her my pump, I used to try and show her how to express by hand, anything at all. But the stress just weighed on her and she was mortified at herself for not making milk. Whereas here's me sitting feeding my baby not a bother and I felt like the worst person in the world, because I could see the pain of "not being good enough" on all these mothers faces and it broke me. I used to pray my DS didn't wake up around SIL because the thought of feeding in front of her used to make me feel horrendous.
So I am so sorry you're dealing with this, it's awful and I hope you can learn how to cope with the way it happened. Its such an emotional topic, people who struggle to feed feel awful, and sometimes like me, people who manage also feel awful. Your baby sounds happy and healthy and you should be so proud of yourself 🫶

I totally understand your feelings. I had similar with my first and felt like I was totally failing at the first hurdle. Feeding feels like the only thing you are doing for them in the beginning so it’s easy to blow it up into being a much bigger deal than it is once you get perspective of a few months and they are starting solids.

I wish I had been strong enough to give up the breastfeeding earlier but I was convinced by a lot of misinformation online that there was no way my baby wasn’t getting enough. I carried on with a ridiculous regime of pumping both sides, feeding what little I had made, breastfeeding each side and waking to feed then letting them sleep for around 40 mins after this whole process as it’s every three hours from when you start not when you finish. I had no sleep but killed myself trying to do the BEST by my baby who was losing weight. I only stopped when my baby was admitted for a kidney infection at 6 weeks… the nurse there said she wished people weren’t pressured so much to breastfeed as she saw so many dehydrated babies…

Anyway, with hindsight I can see that I missed precious time worrying instead of enjoying my baby. People really aren’t judging as much as you think. You are the expert in your own baby. Good luck and sending strength xxx

Just sit with the sadness, OP. It’s perfectly valid, and it will pass with time. I couldn’t BF DS either (no supply despite advice from every possible source and trying for two full months) and peiole were absolutely foul about it, mostly total strangers. I was really sad.

You have a right to be upset. But you have to acknowledge you didn’t make this decision lightly and you really tried to breastfeed. Stress hormones come through to milk. You did do what was best for your baby would you rather she starved so you can face the judgement?

im massively pro breastfeeding when it’s possible but I’m anti shaming women where it wasn’t possible. Most women will feel this way we see you did the best in the situation. Babies don failt to thrive anymore but they used to and how much of that was down to no formula for the babies who needed it?

try to see the good side. Your child is thriving. Night feeds can be shared. Your baby can leave you for more than 3 hours.

and don’t feel bad you feel bad. Of course you would be upset when you felt strongly about it. That’s fair and reasonable.

A lot of people are going to tell you it doesn’t matter that you didn’t breastfeed and fed is best.

But how you fed your baby clearly mattered to you.

Your baby is happy and thriving and this is wonderful, you already know there is so much more to being a mother than the type of milk a baby has and what container (bottle or a breast) it comes in.

I sense being told “yes but a happy healthy baby and mum is all that matters” is going to diminish your very real feelings. This is a type of grief and many people don’t understand it.

You need to allow yourself to feel sad or disappointed this part of being a mum didn’t unfold how you’d imagined or wanted it to. Just be with it for bit. Acknowledge it.

Then try and think of all the other ways you have been able to do things with your baby as you’d planned, maybe it’s how or where you baby sleeps, how you’ve adapted your routine to make it just so for your baby and they are thriving in it.

Prof Amy Brown (I think) has done some work around women’s feelings when breastfeeding doesn’t go to plan. You can find her on social media. You might find it helpful.

Your feelings are totally valid on this OP. Your baby is still very young and this will get better, I understand feeding is the be all and end all at this age as it's all consuming for some but it won't be in a years time.